One Year, Daddy

My dearest Daddy,

It's already been an entire year since the Angels up above wrapped you in their wings and reserved a first class ticket to have God himself share your life story with everyone and have you reunite with your parents. It feels like you were just here yesterday...but that was so many yesterdays ago...

I am devastated
I am in disbelief
I am broken
I am scarred for life

Since I found you
On the cold, hard floor of the bathroom
Lifeless and hearing nothing
But death rattles coming from you

"I'll be back sweetheart, I'm just going to shave my face then take a shower"
Are the last words that came out of your mouth
"I love you Daddy, please be safe and let me know if you need anything"
Are the last words that came out of my mouth
When you were still full of life and thriving

I would always check up on you
But this time, I waited too long to come and see if you're okay
Because the loud thud from your fall that keeps replaying in my head on repeat
Is the sound that God made from Heaven on your heart letting you know it's time

I wanted to make you proud
So I continued looking for jobs
While you were in the bathroom
My mistake was not being right by your side

Finding you in that state was so surreal
The instantaneous guilt and regret that surfaced
Was a stabbing pain like a shard of glass from a broken mirror
I looked into that mirror and looking back at me
Was a face filled with dynamic emotions - panic and fear above all else

I was hoping and praying that you’d be revived with a steady pulse
But you were already up in Angels’ Paradise by the time you had collapsed
Medical staff were unable to bring you back
At that moment, I lost not only my father but my best friend
And the first man I ever loved

You were my protector, my courage
My security, my strength
You were my laugh, my smile
You were my hero

I talk to you every single day
I ask you to give me the courage to say ‘yes’ to life
You’re not here physically but I carry your spirit in my heart
Your soul speaks volumes and your unconditional love still moves mountains

My life without you here is unsteady
It’s challenging
I still ask God every damn day
Why he took you from me

I need you here with me, I want to believe in miracles…
Your hugs made me forget about the scary world I’m living in
Your singing really amplified the love I felt from you
I felt unstoppable with you by my side

This universe lost a man like no other
People are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime
Because they cannot meet you
I wish I had the divine power within
To resuscitate you and make you immortal

Until we meet again daddy
I’m doing everything I can
To live life with smiles and sass
And to love wholeheartedly

I miss you and I love you
Then, now, later, tomorrow
Forever and always
To infinity and beyond

Rest in Peaceful Paradise, daddy

Sunrise: December 12th 1953~
Sunset: January 4th 2021~

Forever your monkey and always your little girl
Cassandra Louise Di Lalla

◄ The Reality of Partner Dependency


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Brenda Wells

Tue 11th Jan 2022 17:35

A beautiful and sensitive piece Cassandra, thank you for sharing it.
I too felt bereft when my father died, that was many years ago now, but I think and talk of him often.
Writing is such a great way of pinning feelings and memories down.
Take care

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Graham Sherwood

Thu 6th Jan 2022 16:12

A very powerful account Cassandra. He'd be pretty proud of that too. Keep writing!

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