Forget those nonsense conspiracy theories about microchips in your vaccine, 5G masts, Hillary Clinton and the devil-worshipping paedophile ring; even David Icke as the Grand Lizard. The real conspiracy is headed by ES.
Ubiquitous, as in a crowd, invisible to sight,
Relentless rolling through the day, anonymous by night
Corporately liveried in red and green and white
Just who can stop the juggernaut that’s Eddie rolling on?
From Tebay up in Cumbria and south down the M6
And every other major route where you might get your kicks
You’ll find on each and every cab the names of all his chicks
But Eddie took his pick of them – the best have now all gone.
There’s Isabella, Charlotte, Betty-Belle and Sweet Lorraine
Christina, Sylvie-Rose and the simple Mary Jane
Siren sisters one and all raised from the Dark Domain
Protect him from the wider world where fortunes fall and ebb;
At Toddington and Watford Gap and Leicester Forest East
His spotters mark their notebooks with the number of the Beast
And at the Mecca of Carlisle where feeds the frenzied feast
He pulls the strings of Empiredom from seated in his web.
His fanbase does not care for Bentleys, Fords or Cadillacs
A Lotus or Bugatti or those speedsters of the tracks
Their tools of trade are notebooks, cameras, Primark anoraks
“Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!” chant adoring acolytes;
His drivers in green uniforms so smart in shirt and tie
A job they take their pride in – only heroes need apply;
All corporate ambassadors who each exemplify
The chivalry and valour of these modern roadside knights.
And progress is evaluated on strategic plans
To monopolise provision of containers, trucks and vans
That run the roads and motorways from Crewe to Kurdistan
So populous and commonplace not worth a second look:
With fleets and fleets of vehicles all bearing one proud name
And line on line of stormtroopers all liveried the same
Then children on long journeys play a different backseat game
Of keeping conk for lorries that are not a Stobart truck.