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PINK WELLIES

When I first saw my girlfriend naked

I knew there was something wrong,

although she'd taken her clothes off

she still had her wellingtons on!       

 

She kept them on while making love

and despite the increased friction

I saw it my duty to carry on,

to abstain was a dereliction

 

Bought online they were shocking pink

with tartan straps on the tops

She dyed her ...

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I'm a Celebrity etc

My wife doesn't move very much

when she's watching the TV at night

I supply the occasional coffee

to provide much needed respite

 

Set in a self-induced coma

she's not really lazy as such,

just fixated on life in The Jungle

where they also don't move very much

 

I can't extricate the remote

held tight in her vice-like clutch

so I'm forced to watch what she watc...

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House of Shrines

There's a shrine in our house for her parents

and another for Monty our dog

which put me off when I'm trying to write

an amusing poetry blog

 

I've never been keen on posterity

so I wasn't exactly enthused

to find on the top of our shoe rack

a pair of her dead mother's shoes

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Unhappy Hunting Ground

Here they come in droves,

the humble pot boilers 

to worship at the feet 

of the traitorous elite

with hair pulled out in clumps 

in frustration at those

unable to muster 

the inspiration to rise 

above the level of lacklustre 

 

Now nowhere to be found,

the Elite have packed up their teepees 

and headed for a happier hunting ground

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Westonbirt

Arriving en masse in Barbour green

middle class mums in SUV'S

with kids named Willow, Sky and Breeze

allergic to various nuts and cheese

and designer dogs on ten foot leads

(tripping hazards for OAP's)

shitting in the fallen leaves

beneath the beauty of the trees

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Self-diagnosis

Finding it impossible to get a doctor's appointment

I began the practise of self-diagnosis

which revealed that I was actually more ill than I thought

 

I had athlete's foot, housemaid's knee and tennis elbow

My prostate was enlarged and pressed against my bladder

causing me to pee more...could it get any badder? (groan)

Yes it could. I had cancer of everything

and both typ...

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RAGE

Outwardly I am calmness personified

but inside I start to seethe

I fight to stop my fists from forming

but I cannot stop the redness

rising in the back of my neck

threatening to erupt at any moment

 

I'm like an imprisoned animal pacing up and down

but I'm not an animal, I'm a rational human being

so I control my rage

and seek sanctuary within my inner cage

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POINTLESS

After we've watched The Chase

we turn over for the BBC News.

Pointless is on its final round

but we can't bloody stand it

so we watch it

but mute out the sound

 

We hate that bloke who's always seated.

He gives out the unknown answers

that would have got them the money

A bit like Jim Bowen's

'let's see what you could have won'

but a hell of a lot less funny

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Unexplained Beach Death

Dead on the beach in Corbett Cove

head and torso daubed with woad

unseen by Panza on a donkey ride

while a Samaritan passed by on the other side

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Continuous Columbo

Columbo was on the box

when the ambulance arrived

and blue-lighted them to The Royal.

 

She struggled for breath.

The doctors did their best

but there was never really much hope.

 

They said their goodbyes at the hospital bed.

He walked away clutching a pink slip

that proved she was dead.

 

He went home on the bus

understandably feeling grief

but also with...

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A Man of Letters

At the end of his life

in ignorance

he became a man of letters

 

On the bed

above his head

the letters DNR

(he's better off dead)

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Test Results In

My test results arrived today                               

They confirm what I've known for a while

That all my efforts have been in vain

Eating fruit and veg was futile

Exercise has been a waste of time

Grains, pulses, supplements...all useless

I can't stop myself dying

 

But I won't be dying anytime soon

I won't be shuffling off in the near future

I will however d...

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The Line Call

The ball leaves the racket like a bullet from a gun

The receiver assesses that the ball is going wide

He stands his ground; there’s no reason to run

He couldn’t if he tried.

 

Whether it’s a gust of wind or intervention from the Lord

But the ball now appears to be going in

His previous decision not to run is looking flawed

He’ll have to take it on the chin.

 

He ponde...

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Izzy's First Wimbledon

We started camping on sunday to get our tuesday centre court tickets Steph and I made some good friends in the queue who wanted tuesday tickets too on entry we rushed to the shop Steph bought a Roger hat I bought a Rafa top then we had a posh sandwich lunch before meeting our new friends for strawberries and cream followed by a glass or two of pimms Deb and Jo had been before and showed us around ...

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AT THE END OF HIS TETHER

He changed her pad

then changed her bedding.

He was exhausted.

'Don't worry' he said. 'Can't be helped'

No response.

'Won't be long now'

She'd hardly said a word for years.

She had no idea who he was.

 

They'd spent a lifetime together.

He loved his wife.

That night he kept his promise and ended her life.

He'd finally reached the end of his tether.

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IN THE BOOK

First tuesday of the month as always.

The barber swept the floor around the window chair, twice.

It was 10:00 am.

Daniel hung his coat on the first hook

sat in the chair

and wrote the time in his book.

 

The barber didn't need to ask what he wanted

it was always the same

 

When the barber finished he gave him the correct money.

The barber looked at him.

Daniel d...

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THE MAN UPSTAIRS

When she died in her ground floor flat

and had gone to join The Man Upstairs

the man upstairs, concerned that he had not seen her for a few days,

came downstairs and when he saw her

said a quick prayer to The Man Upstairs

went back upstairs to his flat

then went up another flight to tell the man upstairs

that the lady downstairs had gone to join The Man Upstairs

 

The Ma...

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Paraffin

My first job after leaving school was in a food laboratory. A colleague, a few years older than me, was frustrated at his lack of promotion due to not having the necessary qualifications. So he decided to leave and operate his own paraffin delivery round. Someone said "Aren't you taking a a bit of a chance John?"  "No" he replied  "people will always need paraffin"

 

 

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Manure-gate

Crack of dawn Sunday mornings

my brother and I would accompany our dad

pushing a home-made wheelbarrow

to a horses field a mile away

to 'steal' horse manure

which I imagine the horse's owner

in retrospect was glad to see the back of.

 

I have lived with this crime on my conscience for sixty years and am relieved to have finally come clean. 

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NOT ANY MORE

She is no longer the love of his life   

She's not his soul mate

Not any more

They stay together because it's convenient

They keep up appearances

for the sake of their friends

their children and their grandchildren

 

They don't have really personal conversations

Not any more

They talk about stuff

ordinary stuff, like the weather

They're no longer intimate

The...

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Going Uptown

 

Has the motor car gone as far as it can go?

Has the freeway had its day?

Forget Route 66.

Why not get your kicks going uptown

on the uptown train?

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Time To See The Priest

He is strapped into his wheelchair

behind the various gizmos

that bring him to life

 

She chats to him as she tidies up.

Slumped in his chair he is silent.

He is unable to answer her.

 

She gets ready for their usual walk

but today he won't be going.

She is going out on her own.

 

As she sits in a pew at St Josephs

she thinks about his vacant expression

wh...

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On The Estate

People are stuck in a time warp

Frozen in their favourite era

There are goths and punks,

Mods, rockers and hippies

The betting shop's owned by a skinhead

A teddy boy runs the chippy

 

The shops cater for their every need

Two mini-marts sell cheap food,

Cigarettes and scratch cards

There's a cafe and three takeaways,

A gastropub and a Bargain Booze

To while away ...

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In Trondheim

In Trondheim, backpacking, nearly fifty years ago.

With nowhere to stay we headed to the docks

to sleep in a box.

Actually a large wooden crate

which wasn't great, but suitably impressed Joe and Doc

the New Yorkers we met the following day.

They were keen to experience it

so we spent a second cold, uncomfortable night in our crate.

They had their own, complete with stars an...

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Loss of a Laptop

The unfortunate loss of a laptop

is bound to cause some tension

particularly when your missus says

you can pay for it out of your pension

and you respond with a couple of words

that I wouldn't care to mention

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SICK OF IT

I'm not sick with Covid.

I haven't had it

but I've had it up to here

with all the so-called experts

disseminating fear.

I'm sick of it.

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Border Putsch

Chaotic disorder

along Poland's border.

Another new crisis dawns.

 

Barbed wire and troops

oppose Belarus

using migrants as human pawns.

 

Trapped in the zone

light years from home

people dying of cold.

 

Away from the lights

Ukraine in her sights

we're seeing the Russia of old.

 

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The Fat Controller

Just seen Thomas and Friends on TV.

They're stll referring to The Fat Controller

which is a surprise in this increasingly PC world

where everyone is afraid of giving offence.

 

But I take no offence as others might

because I don't see him as fat

just someone who is heavy for their height

 

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FOR THE BIRDS

If I had wings I'd fly

but I don't, so I walk

I walk around

and whilst walking around I think

I think about things

things like wingspans and thermals

and my complete lack of wings

 

 

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Ekeing Out The Grains

I lean to the right

I drive on the left

Sun's in the east

Health's going west

Sands running out

I've not long left

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That Friday

The note she left said

'Love you, see you friday'

But for Barbara friday never came

And for me fridays will never be the same again

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