When I first saw my girlfriend naked
I knew there was something wrong,
although she'd taken her clothes off
she still had her wellingtons on!
She kept them on while making love
and despite the increased friction
I saw it my duty to carry on,
to abstain was a dereliction
Bought online they were shocking pink
with tartan straps on the tops
She dyed her ...
Monday 28th November 2022 8:27 pm
My wife doesn't move very much
when she's watching the TV at night
I supply the occasional coffee
to provide much needed respite
Set in a self-induced coma
she's not really lazy as such,
just fixated on life in The Jungle
where they also don't move very much
I can't extricate the remote
held tight in her vice-like clutch
so I'm forced to watch what she watc...
Sunday 20th November 2022 11:11 pm
There's a shrine in our house for her parents
and another for Monty our dog
which put me off when I'm trying to write
an amusing poetry blog
I've never been keen on posterity
so I wasn't exactly enthused
to find on the top of our shoe rack
a pair of her dead mother's shoes
Wednesday 16th November 2022 1:21 pm
Here they come in droves,
the humble pot boilers
to worship at the feet
of the traitorous elite
with hair pulled out in clumps
in frustration at those
unable to muster
the inspiration to rise
above the level of lacklustre
Now nowhere to be found,
the Elite have packed up their teepees
and headed for a happier hunting ground
Monday 24th October 2022 10:54 pm
Arriving en masse in Barbour green
middle class mums in SUV'S
with kids named Willow, Sky and Breeze
allergic to various nuts and cheese
and designer dogs on ten foot leads
(tripping hazards for OAP's)
shitting in the fallen leaves
beneath the beauty of the trees
Sunday 9th October 2022 10:57 pm
Finding it impossible to get a doctor's appointment
I began the practise of self-diagnosis
which revealed that I was actually more ill than I thought
I had athlete's foot, housemaid's knee and tennis elbow
My prostate was enlarged and pressed against my bladder
causing me to pee more...could it get any badder? (groan)
Yes it could. I had cancer of everything
and both typ...
Wednesday 28th September 2022 8:03 am
Outwardly I am calmness personified
but inside I start to seethe
I fight to stop my fists from forming
but I cannot stop the redness
rising in the back of my neck
threatening to erupt at any moment
I'm like an imprisoned animal pacing up and down
but I'm not an animal, I'm a rational human being
so I control my rage
and seek sanctuary within my inner cage
Wednesday 14th September 2022 8:01 am
After we've watched The Chase
we turn over for the BBC News.
Pointless is on its final round
but we can't bloody stand it
so we watch it
but mute out the sound
We hate that bloke who's always seated.
He gives out the unknown answers
that would have got them the money
A bit like Jim Bowen's
'let's see what you could have won'
but a hell of a lot less funny
Friday 2nd September 2022 8:49 am
Dead on the beach in Corbett Cove
head and torso daubed with woad
unseen by Panza on a donkey ride
while a Samaritan passed by on the other side
Friday 26th August 2022 10:19 am
Columbo was on the box
when the ambulance arrived
and blue-lighted them to The Royal.
She struggled for breath.
The doctors did their best
but there was never really much hope.
They said their goodbyes at the hospital bed.
He walked away clutching a pink slip
that proved she was dead.
He went home on the bus
understandably feeling grief
but also with...
Sunday 14th August 2022 11:26 pm
At the end of his life
he became a man of letters
On the bed
above his head
the letters DNR
(he's better off dead)
Thursday 21st July 2022 8:17 pm
My test results arrived today
They confirm what I've known for a while
That all my efforts have been in vain
Eating fruit and veg was futile
Exercise has been a waste of time
Grains, pulses, supplements...all useless
I can't stop myself dying
But I won't be dying anytime soon
I won't be shuffling off in the near future
I will however d...
Tuesday 12th July 2022 11:13 pm
The ball leaves the racket like a bullet from a gun
The receiver assesses that the ball is going wide
He stands his ground; there’s no reason to run
He couldn’t if he tried.
Whether it’s a gust of wind or intervention from the Lord
But the ball now appears to be going in
His previous decision not to run is looking flawed
He’ll have to take it on the chin.
Friday 8th July 2022 2:56 pm
We started camping on sunday to get our tuesday centre court tickets Steph and I made some good friends in the queue who wanted tuesday tickets too on entry we rushed to the shop Steph bought a Roger hat I bought a Rafa top then we had a posh sandwich lunch before meeting our new friends for strawberries and cream followed by a glass or two of pimms Deb and Jo had been before and showed us around ...
Tuesday 28th June 2022 7:59 am
He changed her pad
then changed her bedding.
He was exhausted.
'Don't worry' he said. 'Can't be helped'
'Won't be long now'
She'd hardly said a word for years.
She had no idea who he was.
They'd spent a lifetime together.
He loved his wife.
That night he kept his promise and ended her life.
He'd finally reached the end of his tether.
Saturday 18th June 2022 1:31 pm
First tuesday of the month as always.
The barber swept the floor around the window chair, twice.
It was 10:00 am.
Daniel hung his coat on the first hook
sat in the chair
and wrote the time in his book.
The barber didn't need to ask what he wanted
it was always the same
When the barber finished he gave him the correct money.
The barber looked at him.
Monday 13th June 2022 10:42 pm
When she died in her ground floor flat
and had gone to join The Man Upstairs
the man upstairs, concerned that he had not seen her for a few days,
came downstairs and when he saw her
said a quick prayer to The Man Upstairs
went back upstairs to his flat
then went up another flight to tell the man upstairs
that the lady downstairs had gone to join The Man Upstairs
Friday 3rd June 2022 10:38 pm
My first job after leaving school was in a food laboratory. A colleague, a few years older than me, was frustrated at his lack of promotion due to not having the necessary qualifications. So he decided to leave and operate his own paraffin delivery round. Someone said "Aren't you taking a a bit of a chance John?" "No" he replied "people will always need paraffin"
Thursday 26th May 2022 10:05 pm
Crack of dawn Sunday mornings
my brother and I would accompany our dad
pushing a home-made wheelbarrow
to a horses field a mile away
to 'steal' horse manure
which I imagine the horse's owner
in retrospect was glad to see the back of.
I have lived with this crime on my conscience for sixty years and am relieved to have finally come clean.
Sunday 22nd May 2022 11:49 pm
She is no longer the love of his life
She's not his soul mate
Not any more
They stay together because it's convenient
They keep up appearances
for the sake of their friends
their children and their grandchildren
They don't have really personal conversations
Not any more
They talk about stuff
ordinary stuff, like the weather
They're no longer intimate
Wednesday 11th May 2022 8:00 am
Has the motor car gone as far as it can go?
Has the freeway had its day?
Forget Route 66.
Why not get your kicks going uptown
on the uptown train?
Sunday 1st May 2022 10:15 pm
He is strapped into his wheelchair
behind the various gizmos
that bring him to life
She chats to him as she tidies up.
Slumped in his chair he is silent.
He is unable to answer her.
She gets ready for their usual walk
but today he won't be going.
She is going out on her own.
As she sits in a pew at St Josephs
she thinks about his vacant expression
Tuesday 19th April 2022 5:17 pm
People are stuck in a time warp
Frozen in their favourite era
There are goths and punks,
Mods, rockers and hippies
The betting shop's owned by a skinhead
A teddy boy runs the chippy
The shops cater for their every need
Two mini-marts sell cheap food,
Cigarettes and scratch cards
There's a cafe and three takeaways,
A gastropub and a Bargain Booze
To while away ...
Wednesday 23rd March 2022 9:53 am
In Trondheim, backpacking, nearly fifty years ago.
With nowhere to stay we headed to the docks
to sleep in a box.
Actually a large wooden crate
which wasn't great, but suitably impressed Joe and Doc
the New Yorkers we met the following day.
They were keen to experience it
so we spent a second cold, uncomfortable night in our crate.
They had their own, complete with stars an...
Wednesday 9th March 2022 11:27 pm
The unfortunate loss of a laptop
is bound to cause some tension
particularly when your missus says
you can pay for it out of your pension
and you respond with a couple of words
that I wouldn't care to mention
Saturday 19th February 2022 9:33 pm
I'm not sick with Covid.
I haven't had it
but I've had it up to here
with all the so-called experts
I'm sick of it.
Tuesday 14th December 2021 3:22 pm
along Poland's border.
Another new crisis dawns.
Barbed wire and troops
using migrants as human pawns.
Trapped in the zone
light years from home
people dying of cold.
Away from the lights
Ukraine in her sights
we're seeing the Russia of old.
Monday 15th November 2021 11:08 pm
Just seen Thomas and Friends on TV.
They're stll referring to The Fat Controller
which is a surprise in this increasingly PC world
where everyone is afraid of giving offence.
But I take no offence as others might
because I don't see him as fat
just someone who is heavy for their height
Saturday 16th October 2021 12:05 pm
If I had wings I'd fly
but I don't, so I walk
I walk around
and whilst walking around I think
I think about things
things like wingspans and thermals
and my complete lack of wings
Thursday 16th September 2021 9:15 pm
I lean to the right
I drive on the left
Sun's in the east
Health's going west
Sands running out
I've not long left
Friday 10th September 2021 11:38 pm