ME:           The weather's shit in August,
                In August the weather's shit.

AUGUST:    That's very true,
                But nothing new.
                Get over it.

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Faithful moon
You're still there
Even when
I despair

Faithful moon
Shining bright
Telling me to
Hold on tight.

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I had a chicken sandwich at the Langham
I eat it until it was all gone
It was posh sitting there in the Langham
In 1991.

I had a chicken sandwich at the Langham
And although it cost me several arms & legs
It felt good sitting there in the Langham
And it made a change from Greggs.

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Advent is here.  The tree’s up,

The nights begin to freeze up,

And everywhere

The staff prepare

To have their Christmas knees up.

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Advent is here.  The tree’s up,

The nights begin to freeze up,

And everywhere

The staff prepare

To have their Christmas knees up.

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Pretending you haven't seen someone you saw

Otherwise known as the Tesco ignore

Change of direction and eyes to the floor

Nifty and shifty the Tesco ignore

Detouring down an alternative aisle

Hopefully here you’ll be safe for a while

Pay for your groceries, head for the door

You’ve just completed the Tesco ignore

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I had a text today

telling me I'd won 5k

which news was greeted

by being deleted

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So you want to be happier?

There’s one easy way

To make yourself happier

Starting today

Make someone smile

And then you will find

By this single instance

Of just being kind

So quick to accomplish

So simple to do

That they will be happier

And you will be too.

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My knee it is knackered

I've knackered my knee

Which is most inconvenient

I'm sure you'll agree

My knee is impaired

It hurts when I bend it

Oh where shall I send it

To get it repaired?

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"Lances, shields and armour plate?

They're long since out of stock.

The ancient art of jousting, mate -

It's taken a bit of a knock."

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Always wear your hygiene hats

whenever handling foods

although they make you feel like prats

those health & safety snoods

Always wear your hygiene hats

they keep you free from germs

protect you from those pesky gnats

and hide those dodgy perms

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Newborough Beach (I've heard it said)

is one of those rare places

where you can witness Uncle Fred

in just his socks and braces

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You've got to hand it to Carol Ann Duffy

she's so unrhymed, unscanned and unstuffy

and now we've had the royal birth

she's disappeared off the face of the earth

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Blessed are the tea makers

for they shall have it in the bag

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I've received some rejections by email

I've received some rejections by post

But rejection by text

Though it left me quite vexed

Is the one which encouraged me most

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I remind her of her father

She reminds me of her mother

That's why we're so happy together

We bring out the worst in each other

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Breakfast like a king, they said

it keeps you nice and steady

so I made myself some eggy bread

now I'm Eggybread the Unready

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