Regret

Regret
A thousand times regret.

Choices made,
that cannot be unmade.

Stupid things,
done again and again.

Foundations
laid for a useless life.

Coming to an end for some time.

At least death will be done right.

Kind of hard to screw that up.

(Photo taken by poet. It's the Pennsylvania hills behind Frank Lloyd Wright's Kentuck Knob House.)

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Have you ever felt
in the morning
You feel waking up
but
Your eyes are closed
and
Suddenly all you can think of
is
There is no one to trust anymore
except
Yourself...
and
You finally transform 
into
Yourself...

For the ignorance they gave you
For the hurt they caused you
There's nothing better now
to be by
Yourself... 

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The evening, the cold, the rain

The lost, the pain, chained

My grief, your game, explained... 

A subtile combat

Drained... 

************

February 2021

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i used to have so many regrets

each volatile ,invading my mind with no consent

i dont know how we got here

to 3am conversations to whatsapp calls

to less celing staring and more dreamfilled snores

i used to be so conflicted constantly questioning myself , my choices

i have yet to do the same when it comes to you

im certain,doubtless,fearless and oddly enough thats what scares ...

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one step out the door
one step forward
one step closer
to the flood

one step backward
one step in reverse
one step away
from drowning

a punch to the gut
and tears streaming,
more than the smiles
more than the ‘i love you’s

and how many more years like this
how much can i take like this

i agreed to ever after
but this now, these lows
i can do without
i barely survive the cr...

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How many times do we take the leap
Before we realize we’ve jumped in too deep

How many times do we stop to realize 
We need to protect our insides 

How many times does this heart have to break
This love, you too shall take

He was the one,
Healing the deepest scar, 
The wound he created,
Only to tear it open again
As he twists the knife 
Churning everything inside of me

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You are what I wanted so much but couldn’t have

What I had to let go of no matter how scared I felt about losing

You crawled up on my pavements

And grew on my walls stirring me up

Deciphered my moods and thoughts with your beautiful brain

Spoke to the inner me of your intentions

I miss the invisible force between us

I cherish those little moments

How simple your words were ...

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The dejection
of disappointment.
The bitterness
from betrayal.
The misery
of mourning.
The sadness
from shattering.
The agony
of anxiety.
The dolor
from depression.
The torture
of trauma.
The heaviness
from heartache.

Backdated 1/10/19

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I loved you like I loved storms. I was fascinated by every strike of lightning and each gust of wind, the sheer power of it, the wind I mistook for passion and the ferocity I believed was simply something to pass with the movement of clouds.
Little did I know the damage caused to my being every second I caught myself standing in its wake.

I loved you far more than you deserved. I loved you a...

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I've tried to write this

Fifty times over

Each time I get closer

But somehow still miss

I miss something

In what I want you to know

I miss something

In saying I don't want to let go

If this is goodbye

Then say it now

I'll give up the fight

I'll let you walk out

And forever

I'll miss

You

I've loved you like no other

I've never held...

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A perfect match - strike anywhere.

A perfect love - what happened there?

I walked away without a care,

but turned and tripped on your last stare.

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I loved you 

From the moment I saw you

Black beanie 

Brooding 

Cigarette hanging from the side of your mouth

Dripping in hurt and cynicism

You

My imperfect reflection

We spent days in bed

Hid from the world

Made our own

You were the light in my darkness

The first to really see me

The first to truly love me

What you gave me I'd never had before

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sometimes i wonder how we got to this point

a point where you wonder whats the best

a point where you want to restart and forget

because i thought we're doing our best

giving all the love we have left

but look at us now, 

one has left and doesnt have any regrets

and the other one stood still, full of questions.

shes waiting, waiting and reassuring him that she believes.

...

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The first time I saw you, your mouth held no words.
I would take you out and watch you marvel at the birds.

Your awkward waddle would bring me smiles.
There was peace in my life holding you as we walked for miles.

The screaming, the crying, the testing,
The laughing, the hugging, the learning.

As I helped you grow, and loved every moment.
Even the ones that involved your excrement.

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Let me tell you this 

a secret lies within oneself,

many dare to dismiss.  

Alas,

Loving one who is broken, 

Creates complication 

And bliss. 

A problem to handle,

That is not ones own. 

A secret to help bury, 

Yet not to hold on ones own. 

The truth is set free,

When their true self is recognized 

By the one who had the power, 

All along on the ...

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And all at once

We revisted the site

Where the wounded lie

We examined their injuries

Doing our best to determine

If they were fatal

It requires a detached rationale

It laughs in the face of pure emotion

For life is smarter than you think

Forever your opponent

Even when pretending

To be a friend

For life brought me you

Star crossed

And ...

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I wished you did not miss me because the though of that hurts to the core
I wished i did not ever have to feel the pain,
of you not missing me even more. 
I think back to our times at home
 your first memories of being so small in my arms
The hours i spent watching you dream 
Wishing and hoping i could be the best mother i could be 
for you to get the best life you deserve from me.
Thought...

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Find me a denim jacket,

That's strong enough to carry my heart,

And long enough to button me up,

From my nose,

Down to my index toes,

To hide away my protruding bones, 

Starved I am of a lovers dream

I lost myself to a nasty scheme

And though my love fell out of me,

My heart still craves some more it seems...

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Where the hell are you?

I've been waiting for what seems like my whole life

I can't get it out of my head

I thought by now I'd be someone's wife.

Nothing turned out how I thought it would

Is it for the best, for the greater good?

Why is the heart such a fragile thing?

With every rejection I feel the sting.

I look in the mirror but it ain't me looking back

...

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You say a little too much,

And I think a little too much;

Jumping to my own

Conclusions

Stone to stone.

Our love,

Like a floor of lava,

But I’m the only one who gets burned

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Where do I stand in your life

is it beside you 

or is it out of sight

if I walk away

will you be the one 

to come get me that day 

I might be leaving and won’t come back 

so don’t realize you want me 

when my heart has already turned black 

I wish it was easy to say 

but am I where I stand 

like the other day? 

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Deeps Ocean.

The feelings you erupted in me were too immense for me to handle,

the pushing,the pulling

being torn

left and right

up and down.

ANY direction you ordered,

I listened and bowed in shame like the fucking bitch you told me i was.

I fucked you the way you wanted me too, like the whore you called me everytime i didnt answer my phone.

I ran to you as so...

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When it was discovered, we recoiled

Out of doubt, out of fear

We focused on the opinions of others

Instead of what we thought

When I let our secret fly free,

I was shown acceptance and love

Hope blossomed like a cactus flower

It would be okay. 

He was capricious, of two minds

One day yes, the next was no,

He produced a name, but renounced his love

I proce...

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A house is built from bricks and glued
Together to create shelter renewed
A skeleton protecting organs hidden inside, 
Waiting for a family to live and reside
Seasons pass and storms blow by
Damage accrues despite how hard it tries
To keep flawless and perfect, societies dream
From beauty to beast, becomes unseen
"I am ugly, marred, broken- why bother trying?"
My purpose is futile, my fut...

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She, 

 is not yet an old soul. Such apprenticeship has not yet begun.

Studiously she watches as you cite your second hand wisdom. 

Bested by her innocence,  such familiar nostalgia withers like the thick layer of dust it hides beneath.

Shaken and bruised like brine against an ice cube,  the vermouth of your ideals is poured into an ill fitting glass.

Left feeling dirty you turn to d...

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Snow Day

One cannot simply ignore this

Superstitions do not normally get my attention

That is, until premonition fruition

Hindsight and all

Yet while the bayous have snow

Rain taps my window pain

I cannot ignore this sign

This message

I will not see snow this year,

Perhaps for many years to come

Snow is too pure to be touched by my tainted skin

Yet still I pray ...

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{No Guarantees}

There's no guarantees

that you actually ever

loved me at all




And 




There's no guarantees

that you was even

worth my tears over

these year's 




And I'm not gonna cry

and I sure as hell ain't

gonna shed no more

tears for you since

you left me to be with

her and tore my world

apart while breaking and

wreckin...

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{My Forever Sleeping ? Angel Daughter Lily}

My forever sleeping angel daughter Lily as her eyes became to heavy to hold open any longer because she heard Jesus calling her home so she cried out one last time and took one big gasp of air into her tiny lungs and then she was gone and now me or her daddy's life isn't never gonna be the same because we don't have beautiful our little Lily...

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He left 

He left behind his broken wife and his scared son

He left

He left us cold, all alone with no one 

He left

The vows, they meant nothing 

The promises, broken 

I just wish we meant something 

More than just empty words spoken 

I cried for days at a time 

My young son wiped every tear 

Leaving us was a crime 

And now, it's been 1 year 

An...

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Tally one for days past,

At present still remembered.

Nil for today, at last,

For your presence it still lingers.

My dreams are full of you,

And In my waking hour, you echo,

There is naught for me to do,

Save hope you let me let go.

I stay awake at night,

Because when sleep comes it seems,

I must concede my plight.            

You are the girl of my dream...

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Now I know what they sing about.
Love songs, break ups, heart aches, make ups.
Every inch now rings true
Now my blue heart is squeezed and strained through the pain
That I might not end up with you

My body in revulsion.
I want to fall, cry, throw up or I may choke
You've broken
my heart and I've broken it too
But I love you so much and I don't know what to do...
But write bad poetry, d...

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She screams

A sound that penetrates

The hearts of all around.

She breaks

Her heart explodes

She crumbles to the ground.

A child

Her childhood stolen

With the burst of a pea.

Her mother

Gone forever, gone

Her brain not meant to be.

What now?

The love stops here

A cry for help.

Don't leave

Come back to her

The child needs yo...

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The trees, so hidden well by thickened wood,
While senses hide behind the deep despair,
He, ridiculed by those that can’t but should
And persecuted by those that once did care.

As fingers point and clone the loaded gun;
They choose a victim crying on his knees,
To watch him beg for solitude, in one
And disregard his perennial pleas.

The rights and wrongs of progress bliste...

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