I bumped into David Kameroon the other day.

I wanted him to hear

What it was like in the real world, after that Referendum farce.

 

I said “Hey’up Dave,

Can I call you Dave?

I mean, what the flippin’ heck Dave?

You really let it slip Dave.”

 

I said “Dave - Dave,

The country’s in an awful state.

I doubt that you can contemplate

The shambles me and mine are in.

And don’t give me that vapid grin.

You dropped Theresa in the cack

It’s time you payed the poor lass back.

She seems to need your sage advice

And weasel words will not suffice.

She has to show that she’s the boss

To show some leadership because

This world, for most, is pretty tough.

The voters, Dave, have had enough.

There’s those who’d gladly stoke unrest

Critics who should be suppressed

Knockers from the left and right,

Extremists who would expedite

A breakdown of the world we know,

Disruptors of the status quo.

There’s anarchists who’d shout and bawl

Twas they who’d brought about the fall.

Who’d gladly see this ship adrift,

To bring about a power shift.

And of course it’s not just those

Whos politics she may oppose,

There’s many who would undermine

Our social fabric given time.

It’s time for Tess to grow a pair

And drop her caring doctrinaire,

Her watchword ever ‘compromise’

A trait she now must exorcize.”

 

Dave, at first, seemed in a trance.

I groaned, “That’s it I’ve had my chance,

Perhaps he doesn’t want to know”

But then I thought, that can’t be so.

 

I’d thought that he’d been unaware

That I was even standing there.

But Dave said “Sir, your name I pray,

And though we’ve only met today

I’ll pass your thoughts along to Tess,

Who’ll thereby learn of your distress ”

 

 

“Dave” I said “I seek not fame

And so for now, withhold my name,

But tell me, why that vacant stare?

What was it Dave that put it there?”

 

“My mind” said Dave, “was occupied

On getting to the lav inside,

A public toilet’s not the place,

For us to have a face-to-face.

You’ve made your point, now fade away.

I’ll close the door if that’s ok,

For though no longer premiere

I need to park my derrière.

I need some time to be alone,

To sit upon this china throne”

 

Dave seemed to think my outburst done.

He little knew, I’d just begun.

 

I said “Dave – Dave,

There’s an obvious solution,

All Tess needs is resolution.

She mustn’t turn the other cheek

There’s nothing gained by being weak

For now’s the time to end debate,

And hope that she’ll appreciate

She has to crack the whip and fight

To rid us of this social blight.

Tell her Dave to take this chance

To make her adversaries dance

I feel let down, and that is why

I’d tell her ‘Tess, it’s do or die

I’ve not a doubt what I’d suggest

To aid us in this righteous quest,

It’s radical I can’t deny,

Let’s hang the Bastards, hang ‘em high”

 

Dave asked me from within his stall,

“Would this apply to one and all?

Have you clearly thought this through?

What would you have Theresa do

with …

 

Flashers; exhibitionists;

Zealous prohibionists;

Martyrs preaching suicide;

Addicts (never satisfied);

Tax avoiders; merchant bankers;

Those who strike, the idle wankers;

Greens; environmentalists;

Stay-a-beds and arsonists;

Murderers and teenage muggers;

Migrants, and those work-shy buggers

At Uni. doing Media Studies;

Corbin and his Commie buddies?”

 

I answered, clearly, in reply

Let’s hang the Bastards, hang ‘em high

 

Dave, ensconced on porcelain,

said “Well, to me that’s inhumane,

Could she try the birch or cane

For …

 

Peeping toms and kerb-side crawlers;

Pissed-up teeny weekend brawlers;

Militants and begging chuggers;

People who call rugby ‘rugger’;

Huntsmen with their ‘tally-hos’;

Poets spouting prissy prose;

Those involved in prostitution;

Those promoting revolution;

Meter maids and ticket touts;

Rioters and litter louts;

Lawyers chasing compensation;

Advocates of confrontation.

Davies, Johnson, Rees-Mogg, Gove,

Vultures seeking treasure trove?”

 

And wouldn’t it be such a hoot

To make arrests, then prosecute …

 

Him who tells us ‘Go Compare’;

Cyclists sporting Lycraware;

Liberal pinko sympathisers;

Loan-sharks billed as Debt Advisers;

Those who send out e-mail spam;

Karaoke fans of Wham;

Families who let dogs run free

Fouling pavements nearby me;

Ant & Dec, and Andrew Marr,

Maybe that’s a step too far?

Those who forecast long-range weather;

Fetishists in chamois leather;

Journalists whos news is fake;

And politicians on the make”

 

Dave, I said,  

You’re such a wit, and anyhow

I’m sure you know my views by now

 

With David’s toilet crisis passed,      

Pin-stripes dangling at half-mast,      

Fumbling with his belt and braces,

As one might in confined spaces,

There it was, though in a rush,

Dave stopped, and pulled the chain to flush.

And so it was he left the loo,

Conceding change was overdue,                     

Musing if my thoughts were better

Aired with him, or in a letter.

“White Papers are the way” said I,

But Dave misheard, for in reply

He told us how his bum was raw

From paper he’d not used before.

I tried to cover up his slip

By saying “David what a quip,

It may be you’re a tad confused

I speak not of the Izal used.”

So with one deft, yet witty, stroke,

Embarrassment was turned to joke.

 

“I hope” I said “our tête-à-tête       

Will rid us of those oiks we hate,

If Tess should choose to execute

Our scheme to crush the dissolute.”

“Now” said Dave “I understand.”

Then smiled and came to shake my hand. 

But he’d not washed and nor had I,

And so we simply waved goodbye.

 

Before Dave left the Gents behind

He told me that he felt inclined

To let Tess know of my tirade

And, yes, the impact it had made.

Dave seemed quite sure she’d be inspired.

“It’s folk like you she’s long admired.

Your views and hers seem in accord.

She’ll surely take your cause on-board”

 

Though some of you will think I jest,

Relating what I’ve here expressed;

Of how I once advised a Tory

Seated in a lavatory,

Dave and I both know the truth

Of what was said whilst in that booth

So let me make it crystal clear

That what is documented  here

Describes what on that day occurred,

Blow by blow, and word for word.

 

Will Saint Theresa heed our call?

Will she do anything at all?

Will she accept she has to act

To keep my way of life intact?

 

So now my story here must pause

Whilst Tess considers current laws.

If she appears to vacillate

I’ll caution her, I’ll tell her straight,

That Dave and I will take control

Of who should swing from scaffold pole,

And nobody should feel secure,

Educated, rich or poor.

 

Eventually, of course, we’d hope

There’ll be no need to use the rope

And peace will reign throughout the land.

I have my doubts, you’ll understand.

 

So as it stands there’s naught to do

But bid you all a fond adieu

And hold the noose in readiness

Should you, or anyone, transgress.