THE BATTLE OF TOWTON
(I walked the trail of England's bloodiest battle today. Estimates run up to 33,000 dead. It's an exposed and unforgiving place even without a blizzard and someone trying to cave your head in)
In 1400 and 61
I believe that was the year
There happened a bit of a fallout
With Yorkshire and Lancashire.
For brothers like this to come to such blows
It needed the cause be a good ‘un
But t’die were cast when a butcher from Hyde
Reckoned theirs were better black pudding.
Now Yorkies and Lanks come from the same tribe
Anthropologists have little doubt
It’s just that them west side of the hills
Are Yorkies wi’ t’brains taken out.
Then when we developed a new hybrid T
It got up Lancashire’s noses
“The Black Pudding Fracas” just didn’t ring right
So they called it the “Wars of the Roses”.
The armies they met at Towton that day
Arranged in long lines for the battle
The Lanks banged their drums and shouted “Ya Boo”
Typical Lancashire prattle.
Fred Trueman he captained Yorkshire that day
Who told ‘em “You’d best bugger off”
“We’re going nowhere till we’ve had us tea”
Said their captain – one Freddie Flintoff.
Well York won the toss and they opted to bat
Making 3 hundred and 3
The Lankies reply left them much to do
They were 60 for 4 at tea.
At 80 for 5 they were down in the mouth
As Flintoff came in with his bat
“I hope that’s a good ‘un” sneers Trueman to ‘im
Says Flintoff “Four fifty plus VAT”.
Then Trueman he starts with his run-up
Resembling a steam train with hair
But Flintoff who pulls though his bouncer for 4
Says “Gi’ me a couple more there”.
They fought themselves to a standstill
Says a Lank “We’re at logger’eads”
Says another “Yer said this were Towton”
(D’you recollect what I’d just said?).
The field that day it were Yorkshire’s
We waved them Lanks Bye-di-byes
They ran that fast when they wanted to pee
They didn’t unfasten their flies.
This settled the issue for 20-odd years
Till we heard again Lancashire thunder
And this time they fought with a new button-‘ole
A brand spanking red floribunda.
20 years later (in iambic pentameter)
Then Flintoff bowled so fast to Fiery Fred
He knocked his bonce clean off onto the ground;
Then kicked it wi’ ‘is boot and chuckling said,
“Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown”.