(A re-work of that marvellous piece by Flanders and Swann, and inspired by a recent holiday to Madeira. And, hopefully, eliciting outrage from the luvvies)

 

When I was a young man my blood hot and red

My prowess was then at its height

It wasn’t a problem to get gals in bed

And pleasure them all through the night.

But it never occurred to me while at my peak

My powers would ever reduce

But time takes its toll and flesh becomes weak

As so did my skills to seduce.

 

My hair has receded and greyed

My waistline expanded and splayed

I needed a plan

To help this old man

Improve on his odds to get laid.

 

This obstacle I have now solved

To overcome ladies’ resolve

The first pass I make

I say “Won’t you take

Madeira with me, m’dear?”

 

To each pretty thing I bring here

I whisper so soft in their ear

To increase my chances

Of breaching their panties

“Have some Madeira, m’dear”

 

“Yes, have some Madeira, m’dear

You really have nothing to fear

You’ll find that I am

A most honourable man;

So have some Madeira, m’dear”.

 

And once they have taken their fill

(And I’ve popped my little blue pill)

I usually reckoned

They’d accept a second

As destiny started to near.

 

Then they couldn’t resist just one more

To take through my old bedroom door;

So watered and fed

We’d adjourn to the bed

To where I proceeded to score.

 

And so round this home for Old Dears

And widows of frustrated years

I’d invite them to take

A slice of my cake

With “Have some Madeira, m’dear”.