Darling Sweatheart

This is a deviation from the norm for me. This year, one of my resolutions was to attempt writing in different styles. This is an attempt at rhyme. Don't think it sticks very rigidly to the pattern, but it's an experiment. I think it's a little clumsy personally, hmmm....need practice! Any advice much welcomed.

The subject matter is real life, my late granddad sent home letters to my grandma whenever he could. Each one was addressed to My Darling Sweatheart. She is now 87 and really does still have every one of them in a silk bag she used to keep her hankies in!

 

 

 

To hold a Sunday candle to the sort

Of Lass that he'd held dear, when wrenched away

Memories of a sweetheart that he'd thought-

Of when away in frozen, turgid seas

With rum alone to chase away the grey

Bright sunlight spattered village cricket teas

Or rain streaked Sundays that they'd kissed away

Did he think she'd bundled them in silk?

Hid well away from dad in knicker drawers

The much kissed paper and the tear blurred ink

Of Darling Sweatheart, I am ever yours.

The SWALK, the ITALY the love

That stretched like silver wire around the world

She has them still. still keeps them in her drawer

A faded thin blue ribbon keeps them furled

Her skin resembles now the papered brown

He'd written on in childish rounded script

She doesn't even need to take them down

The words so often thought , so often lipped

That I could ever rank with sweethearts known

When all the world was crazy, boiling mad

Such peril brought forth love I'll never own

To rank with that of Grandma and Granddad.

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Comments

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winston plowes

Fri 5th Mar 2010 21:32

I Know SWALK but now ITALY ? Win x

<Deleted User> (7123)

Sat 9th Jan 2010 23:58

Considering you're new to rhyme this really is very good indeed! Even if you were an 'old hand' at it I would still have that opinion.Some lovely original imagery here.(Shirley Alexander spotted my favourite!)..... the rhyme isn't forced but flows quite naturally from the story and every word is apt and precise.I would agree with a few of the comments about the structure and the use of capitals at the beginning of each line. I think the poem would be easier to read from the page with lower case, especially as a lot of your lines which have end rhymes continue without pause into the next line. It took me several readings to get to grips with the way the poem is meant to read rather than how it looks, but in terms of the content, the imagery, the rhyme and rhythm, you clearly have a natural talent which should be encouraged. The fact you have maintained iambic pentameter almost throughout without even realising it indicates your instinctive feel for pleasing poetic rhythm and form. Lovely stuff!!:-)

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Tom Harding

Sat 9th Jan 2010 15:55

this is great. the rhythm, meter and rhyme really carry it on. i'm sure it must be fun to read aloud.

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Rachel McGladdery

Sat 9th Jan 2010 08:03

Really? Bloomin eck! In that case, if I do try it at Preston, I shall declaim it a la the actORS from Blackadder. Ta for looking it up Isobel! I feel very literary right now! x

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Isobel

Fri 8th Jan 2010 23:41

I may be totally wrong on this one. Have just got me little book out. I see you are writing in Iambic Pentameter - if it was good enough for Shakespeare....Funnily enough, I am trying to write one in the Bard's style at the moment - it is so hard!

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Isobel

Fri 8th Jan 2010 20:44

Bloomin heck - so it's not just red wine you drink - dare I join you with a glass of brandy? Don't take what I say as read, Rachel. Often you know how to perform your own stuff - it is inside you - it isn't as natural with someone elses. And yes - I think it is about the rythm not the syllables - or is it the syllables that create the rythm? You'll have to try it out in Preston. It is great to try out new styles though. I went the other way from you. Started off pretty much rhyming everything and struggled not to rhyme. Now I'm never sure what I'm doing - perhaps that's the purple teeth....x

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Rachel McGladdery

Fri 8th Jan 2010 20:37

Cheers you lot. I appreciate the comments. I do agree with Isobel, I think I'm not a natural rhymer, and it felt a bit contrived to write. However, I'm trying hard to have a play with different techniques at the moment and will endeavour to sort out rhythms more.
Thrilled it was resonant for people too. They really were in love...there, one whisky and I'm making myself cry now.
Cheers
Rachel
xxx

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Ann Foxglove

Fri 8th Jan 2010 20:29

Just to say, I read this out loud to myself and it sounded great, thanks to your words and not my recitation! It does read very well! I love it more now I've read it again.

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Isobel

Fri 8th Jan 2010 17:33

Love the imagery in this Rachel. You are quite brilliant at inventing new ways of describing things. It doesn't quite flow well enough for me as a rhyming poem and I don't know why. I'm not great at critique - just know that I couldn't perform it. Perhaps it has something to do with the number of syllables per line. I hesitated before commenting cos the feedback you have got is so positive and I love your work. I think that I prefer your non rhyming stuff though. I think it is a very touching poem though. A love that can survive a lifetime so intact, demands a poem to be written about it. x

Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Fri 8th Jan 2010 13:18

Thanks Rachel for yet another great poem.And I agree with the last line very much-we grandys have real love-sewn up! comes with(ugh!)age-Stefan

<Deleted User> (7164)

Fri 8th Jan 2010 13:09

This really is so very sweet and beautiful, both in sentiment and emotion from a third persons point of view.
It has a great rhyme running through it too.

Ooooh, i love nostalgia.
Janet.x

<Deleted User> (5926)

Thu 7th Jan 2010 22:33

Her skin resembles now the papered brown

He'd written on in childish rounded script

She doesn't even need to take them down

The words so often thought , so often lipped


I love this poem, Rachel.

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John Aikman

Thu 7th Jan 2010 20:41

"That stretched like silver wire around the world "

Worth it just for that one line...lovely stuff. Rachel, you are a wonderful find. Thank you.

: )

Jx

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Rachel McGladdery

Thu 7th Jan 2010 20:23

Aw thanks Guys!
Rachel
x

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Noetic-fret!

Thu 7th Jan 2010 18:14

Hi rachel, if this is a new style that you are experimenting with; it works. It is a beautiful poem, and i think this style seems, natural. I like it. Nice one rachel. Keep posting

Mike

x

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Tommy Carroll

Thu 7th Jan 2010 16:33

Hi Rachel, the book 'Atonement' has this feel to me.
Tommy

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Ann Foxglove

Thu 7th Jan 2010 15:53

Talk about bringing a tear to the old peepers Rach! A lovely gentle poem, full of beautiful delicate images, her skin now like the paper, the letters furled, the childish rounded script. I loved it all. I have been told (nicely) that it is better not to start every line with a capital letter, and I do think it looks better, to me, if you don't. Maybe have a try and see what you think. xx

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