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Rachel McGladdery

House Porn

by Rachel McGladdery

Monday 11th January 2010 11:02 am

Another deviation from the norm for me. Slightly silly and if anyone can help me slip in the word fellatio I'd be ever so grateful! By the way I'm gonna pronounce patio as Payshio I think! Be brutal, it's character building for me!

House Porn (written while watching Grand Designs.....Mmmmm)

I watch the house porn
Get Real Wet
For the cathedral ceilinged kitchen neat
Groaning, moaning at the ensuite
Spacious Patios
Palladian Ratios
Scrubbed pine tables,
Done up stables
(and stolen from the tasteless poor)
Panelled, fat knobbed
Patent red front door
Red brick, stucco, daub and wattle,
Reclaimed timber, blue glass bottle
But I haven't got the bottle
But I haven't got the money
Stroke the wood
Blonde as honey.
Oh you would though wouldn't you?

◄ Darling Sweatheart

They Can Be Polished ►

Comments

<Deleted User> (6292)

Wed 13th Jan 2010 13:27

Bit of a mouthful Rachel... whilst a true enthusiast of sexual foreplay and the ability to read all and everthing even the mundane into poetry and form in persuance of pleasure I love the poem !!!

Augusta XX

Tue 12th Jan 2010 18:25

...well the rhythm is better but the line's meaning is madder than a bag of frogs.

Tue 12th Jan 2010 18:24

...and the additional 'to'...to go with the flow...

Tue 12th Jan 2010 18:23

If you will give the dog a bone...

Tue 12th Jan 2010 18:02

"if anyone can help me slip in the word fellatio"

If you say sho!

(well, it's hard to talk with your mouth full)

: )

Jx

Tue 12th Jan 2010 17:54

notice the extra brackets Rachel!

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 12th Jan 2010 10:26

Mr Turner, you are right, of course, about grammar and punctuation being optional in poetry. And Rachel's meaning is very clear. I stand chided.

Rachel McGladdery

Tue 12th Jan 2010 05:43

Polish it? Tommy I think it's succinct and achingly resonant just the way you did it. You ought to post it 'as is'. Rachel
x

Mon 11th Jan 2010 18:51

Rachel Hi, linking your themes: the class system, wood, sex, theft, reclamation and 'house porn' also the use of brackets - the following:

Fuck you!(you middle-class twat)
Up your arse (with a bamboo bat),
Stolen from my table
Like a sex craved rat
Fuck you on your reclaimed mat
Up your sphincter
With a painful splat.

this may need some polishing, ask Stefan for his help.

Mon 11th Jan 2010 16:59

It certainly is Graham. Blow jobbed would rhyme with door knobbed and you do blow on things when you are giving them a polish -unless you use a Mr. Sheen spray...
An interesting one Rachel. Like the ideas in it and the end. Yes we all would!

Mon 11th Jan 2010 16:58

What would Kevin McCloud think of all this, Rachel? Or did his undoubted loveliness inspire some of the references? ;-)

Graham Sherwood

Mon 11th Jan 2010 16:44

Isn't Blow Job easier to rhyme with??

Mon 11th Jan 2010 15:09

Commas are optional. Grammar & punctuation in poetry... is totally optional.

Rachel McGladdery

Mon 11th Jan 2010 13:00

Cheers Cynthia,ace! I posted my last comment before I spotted yours by the way. I'm going to have a mess with it this aftie and see what happens. Thanks for the input everyone. Much 'preciated.
rach
x

Rachel McGladdery

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:58

Sight rhyme, Yeah! You are clever indeed. See now I've learnt something too. The patio thing came from a friend who used to mispronounce it on purpose to affect a pretend Mrs. Bouquet accent. I'll be honest, I've used it for so long in speech myself I sort of forgot that everybody isn't in on the joke but it ties in with the (stolen from the tasteless poor)which is a very Mrs. Bouquet statement too, and is the attitude that pees me off with house porn in general...I do love watching it, but in a slightly sitting on my chair rocking backwards and forwards in abject jealousy way...there, that's healthy isn't it.
Rach
x

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:56

OK, I'm in. This is marvellous, Rachel. What a superb analogy.

#1: perhaps:

Stroke the wood
Lip sweet fellatio
Blonde as honey
Oh, you would though, wouldn't you?

This connects the idea of 'wood and honey' rather neatly.

#2: I would take out the bracketted comment completely. I don't think it adds a thing but distraction to the 'sexual push' you're panting to accomplish. PS Put in your commas.

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:50

Anyway, technially, 'fellatio' and 'patio' qualifies as a half-rhyme. The difference between the soft vowel sound and the hard vowel sound actually works, like hard on soft during coitus.. key to the erotic nature of the poem.

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:46

You could always use a sight rhyme? Visually it works and the reader can sort of make his/her own mind up whether to manipulate the sound in their head or at least understand what you've done. Shakespeare used sight rhymes a lot so it's been done by the big men... (which I suppose is perhaps relevant to the context)

Rachel McGladdery

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:38

Hi Ann, I know it would fit alongside the ratio/patio line but wondered if it'd be better echoed at the end '...stroke the wood....give the banister fellatio' or is that WAY too clumsy... I'll have a play. I'm probably going to try to get a spot on the open mic at the next wordsoup in preston (feb). I love performing but somehow whenever I see/hear footage of it, I have terrible problems with my s sounds, they come out as shh which can be comical but problematic too! That's why I really appreciate hearing a lovely speaking voice,(such as yours) cos mine isn't, truly. Cheers for the comment honey,Brixton? Wow, I think you sound very posh. I also thought you'd be very west country too, I lived in Devon for four years but no traces of the accent now. Racheroox

Mon 11th Jan 2010 12:30

Rachel - felatio is staring you in the face! ;-) It rhymes with patio as much as ratio does, so write another line for either one."I'll give you a felatioif I can have a patio" or "with your Palladian ratioyou deserve a felatio". Or don't know if you need the "a" before felatio? I've led a very sheltered life! I have half written a poem along similar lines - called "The Wow Factor". You may see it soon on a website near you! By the way, are you performing again soon? Good luck if so! Maybe you could try an audio with one of your poems? I am not from the north, but born in Brixton by the way! (In answer to a previous comment)

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