We’ve got a brand new gadget, a proper Budget Beater

That’s saving us a fortune – a fitted water meter.

We don’t waste any these days, as once, I guess, we did;

The bill’s now not eight hundred pounds but just two hundred quid.

My garden’s watered sparingly from outside water butts

With rainfall I’ve collected from rooves on sheds and huts.

When once Our Gert would take a bath and soak for hours and hours

She’d never dream of bathing now, preferring nice hot showers.

And when we’ve brushed our teeth and replaced the toothpaste cap

No sooner have we done this than we turn off the tap.

You might think I’m obsessive – a sad recycling geek

But cups and plates and saucepans – well, we wash them once a week.

So if you come to visit us our hospitality

Will run to all my whiskies but don’t ever ask for tea.

Our Gert would sooner offer you all the wines I’d bought her

But “No! You bloody well can’t have just a glass of water”.

And if you need to pay a call, don’t flush away your poo;

But pop it in your handbag and take it home with you.