THE WATER METER
We’ve got a brand new gadget, a proper Budget Beater
That’s saving us a fortune – a fitted water meter.
We don’t waste any these days, as once, I guess, we did;
The bill’s now not eight hundred pounds but just two hundred quid.
My garden’s watered sparingly from outside water butts
With rainfall I’ve collected from rooves on sheds and huts.
When once Our Gert would take a bath and soak for hours and hours
She’d never dream of bathing now, preferring nice hot showers.
And when we’ve brushed our teeth and replaced the toothpaste cap
No sooner have we done this than we turn off the tap.
You might think I’m obsessive – a sad recycling geek
But cups and plates and saucepans – well, we wash them once a week.
So if you come to visit us our hospitality
Will run to all my whiskies but don’t ever ask for tea.
Our Gert would sooner offer you all the wines I’d bought her
But “No! You bloody well can’t have just a glass of water”.
And if you need to pay a call, don’t flush away your poo;
But pop it in your handbag and take it home with you.