On my way back (from school)

entry picture

 

 

I saw a translucent moon

Grey, white and penny shaped

Set against a clear powder- blue sky

 

I saw illusive moon only at an angle,

And with concentration,

As I kept one eye on the Road

 

I saw stubby tall trees

With huge branches

Extending in all directions

 

I saw two hundred  years

Of growth tipped by singular

red and yellow  leaves

 

I saw long early November

Shadows from shops and cars

following me as I passed

 

And  saw sun's refelctive glints from

Black tarmac as I made my

Early morning return

◄ Waiting

The Voice ►

Comments

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Jeff Dawson

Tue 8th Dec 2009 20:53

Hi Len, how ya doin? Enjoyed this, as Steve said you could put stanzas 2 and 3 together, I would have speled out 200 in letters too, looks better, apart from that great stuff, love the moon! Jeff

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 28th Nov 2009 08:10

I love this poem, and I love the moon, especially when it's seen in daylight. I love the way you start each part with "I see" then simply tell us what you see, not making every image a symbol of something else. No self-indulgence, pure and simple poetry - and just the right lenght imv. xx

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 4th Nov 2009 15:33

Mr White, you have a clear poetic eye and a hasty pen. In my opinion, discard any word or line that doesn't add to your image, such as 'Upon which it was superimposed'. How can a tree be 'stubby' and tall at the same time?
Check your typing/spelling.I looked up 'sigular'; no dice. Presuming you may have intended singular, then 'singular' is a huge word with dramatic meanings in our modern day. I'm not sure what you meant to convey here. 'single' doesn't make sense.
I wouldn't spend this much time if some of this wasn't very good.

steve mellor

Wed 4th Nov 2009 12:18

Hi Lenford
Me the critic?!
I think the poem's really good, but I have the feeling that it's a stanza or two short.
If twer me, I'd run stanzas 2 and 3 together. Without the punctuation I'm not sure whether line 2 in stanza 2 is the end of a sentence or part of a sentence that runs through to stanza 3.
Nit-picking
'shaped' 'sigular' ? should this be 'singular'?
'shadows' 'sun's reflective' 'tarmac'

But who am I to talk?
What do you think?

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Jon

Wed 4th Nov 2009 09:49

Some nice imagery in this! I don't think we 'stop' to look at beautiful things often enough and so we 'catch' brief glimpses while we're rushing around in our busy lives.

Nice one!

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