Life Loved To Death

by Liam

Monday 29th May 2017 11:06 pm

In loving, I set myself up for loss,

In caring, broken by those who don't give a toss,

What is the point in this moment or next?

We all end up broken, more broken, bereft...

From start to finish just feels like a flash,

Earn money, more money, broken for cash,

Tired and more tired waiting for sweet release,

When death's knell calls, signalling my peace

So what is the point in the journey at all,

Educated, uneducated, rich or poor?

Artex ceiling or stars overhead?

Who the fuck cares?....we all end up dead!

Comments

Liam

Tue 30th May 2017 20:22

Thank you Colin. I tend to get in the flow and just write it how it comes to me. I think that some of the 'rawness' is lost once the poem is tinkered with. I do think that if I took time to edit, then I could avoid repeating words and other possibly 'lazy' aspects of my writing. I think WoL is a great forum to get some critique and feedback. I may enter some competitions, & see how that goes. I would love to one day be a published writer. In the meantime I shall continue to take on board any feedback and improve. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 30th May 2017 08:45

I actually quite like the rawness of this. It might not be perfect but I'm not sure I agree that it's all downhill from the second line. There is a start, middle and end to the poem, the three parts connect to each other and the end refers back to the start. The title is excellent and I love the line 'Artex ceiling or stars overhead?'.

with some considered editing, the removal of repeated words and some further thought to rhyme I think you could be on to a winner. But therein lies the difference between a winner poem and just another 'way too many' poem that Adam referred to. It takes time and patience to refine the latter into the former.

WoL is an excellent forum to learn and seek advice so it's good to see that you are open to that Liam. Good luck with your writing.

Colin.

Liam

Tue 30th May 2017 08:23

Thank you both for your comments. I tend to write my poems the moment that I get an inspiration to do so. I agree that the poem could be developed further, but what I really wanted was feedback. This is in a very raw state and I am sure that it could be improved upon. I found a flow and just went with it, which is maybe a tad lazy. Next time I have an idea I will write it down in a raw state and then edit it to see if it can be developed or expanded upon. ?

Adam Whitworth

Tue 30th May 2017 01:40

Liam, I agree with all that Keith says. Well done.

I'd just add that, even in doom-mode, the first line is the best (=carries the most significance; is worth pursing further, rather than merely being one of many miserable cliches strung together) the second line continues the promising theme- not nearly so well, but that can be remedied- and... it's all downhill from there.
I'd probably go with the idea that, following the first line: we do it anyway. I'd develop that thought even if still ending up miserable about it (other veiws are available) because I think there are way to many poems that amount to "fuck this mate, just fuck it"

keith jeffries

Mon 29th May 2017 23:14

Liam, a poem of doom but rich in reality. I enjoyed the honesty you have portrayed which many must feel at one time or another. Thank you for this. Keith

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Life Loved To Death

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