I’d like to find a girl that’s like those on the internet

Who don’t take no persuading into bed

I’m sure they’re all like that out there, it’s just the ones I’ve met

Aren’t into anal sex and giving head.

I must be so unlucky cos on all the sites I view

The girls are into this without exception

No sooner has the pizza boy delivered stuff to you

Than his customer is gobbling his erection.

And none of them are fat or thin or ugly, wearing specs

Or live in council flats on Dewsbury Moor

They’re classy birds who’ve got big tits and simply live for sex

Who shag on tables or the kitchen floor.

Myself, I’ve tried delivering pizzas, full of peaked up hope

So far it seems I’ve always drawn a blank

Not even do I get a wink nor let alone a grope -

It’s home to my old laptop.