(It is my ambition to write the greatest Christmas song ever. Not sure this would have made Christmas No 1 even if I had written it in time)

 

You all know Santa Claus

The saint each child adores

He brings the good ones gifts, does Pere Noel;

But I’m his kith and kin

I punish kids that sin;

I’m Krampus and I harvest souls for Hell.

 

And unlike brother Nick

Well, I bring a big stick

To beat the naughty children till they yell,

“Have mercy, Santa, please,

I’m begging on my knees

Just please don’t cart my sinful soul to Hell”.

 

I harvest naughty boys

And girls; instead of toys

I bring atonement as the tales foretell;

I’m truly not a myth

You’ll find this out forthwith

When huddled in the handcart bound for Hell.

 

So if you’ve not been good

As you all know you should

Then bid your mum and dad a last farewell,

Cos after you’ve been smacked

It’s up the chimney stack

To bubble in the burning pits of Hell.

 

You all know Santa Claus

The saint each child adores

He brings the good ones gifts, does Pere Noel;

It’s him you’ll want to see

Be good, or else it’s me;

I’m Krampus and I harvest souls for Hell.