a curse - for the mildly irritating

 

For those who’ve meddled, ired or slighted,

For those who’ve peeved or pinched or blighted

Or fibbed or fooled or faked - or worse

Upon them ever be this curse:

 

May your earnest endeavours all end in farce.

May your nostrils migrate to just south of your a**e.

May all your teabags get stuck in the spout.

May your luck and your toilet roll always run out.

May every airline lose track of your cases.

May you find yourself naked in all public places.

May all the elastic fail in your pants.

May everyone laugh when you get up to dance.

May you f**t when you cough and s**t when you sneeze.

May your socks always stink like the ripest of cheese.

May your genitals shrink and your buttocks expand.

May all of your mail be a final demand.

May your dentures drop out and fall in the loo.

May the bores and the nutters choose seats next to you.

May your toast always land on the side with the butter.

May you go to the bingo and develop a stutter.

May you win on the lottery - then lose your ticket.

May you buy a new car and then have someone nick it.

May the rumours about you always be true.

May the dogs**t you smell always be on your shoe.

May you have no use for a brush or a comb.

May every evangelist call at your home.

May all your appliances break down or leak.

May your sewers block up at least once a week.

May you lose sleep while your spouse lies there snoring.

May you find out both your friends think you’re boring.

May the train that you catch never stop at your station.

May you loudly break wind in each wrong situation.

May you henceforth be known as an ugly old b****r,

Until you have learned

that I NEVER take sugar!