Dave Dunn

Brand New View

Monday 14th March 2011 10:44 am (first posted Sunday 12th July 2009 4:28 pm)

Brand New View

For thee I pick an orchid
Full blooming in soft sun
Behold its splendid pastel shade
Its beauty hard for tongue
To capture in a moment
For words are way too young
Compared to natures beauty
All language has but just begun

Behold any small crystal
That sparkles in the light
Or try in brief to describe
A swallow in mid flight
Though poetry and story
May stir some thoughts in you
In every fleeting moment
There is a brand new view

©Rhumour
February 6th 2009

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Comments

Dave D Poet Rhumour

Mon 20th Jul 2009 11:26

Hi Anthony - many thanks for the time & interest you have taken in this poem, your insight is much appreciated.

I imagine you will have surmised that I tend to scribble poems intuitively rather than methodically. Most pieces have tended to be written in my head using much the same approach to inflection as I've used with song writing, so I can readily understand the scan may seem odd - sometimes I return to a piece after my memory of it has faded and find myself wondering .......

Aside from the occasional dip into sonnets, I've rarely analysed the syllabic structure consciously, but I recognize that might make it easier for the reader. :)

Certainly I will consider all the comments received before I tweak it.

As for writing and posting, well I've not got much else to do at present, so inbetween new scribbles I'm looking through the accumulated pile.

Best wishes

Dave

Anthony Emmerson

Mon 20th Jul 2009 01:29

Hi Dave,
I've read this piece several times and keep coming back to it - because I like it. In fact I've read all of your recent postings. I expect that like me you cut your teeth on traditional poetic forms and rhyming poetry - which is no bad thing in my book.

I can see where DG is coming from in his comments - each to his own and all that, and also understand Cynthia's points re how this work scans etc. I hope you won't mind or be offended if I make a few observations:

In these two stanzas of eight lines each your rhyme scheme runs -
-
a
-
a
-
a
-
a

-
b
-
b
-
c
-
c

which is fine and nothing unusual. However, as Cynthia has alluded, there are parts of the poem that tend to be stumbling blocks for the reader to trip up on. The first of these for me is:

"Behold its splendid pastel shade
Its beauty hard for tongue
To capture in a moment"

This is for two reasons; although you are not using any punctuation, which is consistent throughout the poem, the middle line of these three can be seen as an example of enjambment, i.e. the line runs into the next line in terms of making sense - or, in effect cannot be seen as the "stand-alone" line " Its beauty hard for tongue" Therefore it has to be read as " Its beauty hard for tongue to capture in a moment" It took me a while to figure out the meaning of this phrase, simply because it seems a little "clumsy", if you'll forgive the expression, because I couldn't ever imagine anyone ever saying the phrase or expressing the thought in that way. After having analysed it and realised what you were trying to say in the context of the rest of the poem - i.e. that the beaty of an orchid is something not easily or readily expressed verbally, I feel you could find a more easily accessible way of saying the same thing.

In terms of scansion/meter there are a few flaws, which although minor, do tend to throw the rhythm. The syllable count for your lines are:

7,6,8,6,7,6,7,8
7,6,7,6,7,6,7,6

which it is probably possible to get away with given appropriate pronunciation and stresses, but seems to fall at the last line of the first stanza - just too many syllables for reading comfortably. The same with the first line of the second stanza - except the problem here is too few syllables for comfort; how about " Behold the smallest crystal"? The next line also might read more smoothly as "Sparkling in the light" - the "That" adds nothing. The next line also seems to jump a little; you move from describing something to almost asking the reader to describe something - perhaps it might be better to continue in the same vein? Such as;

"Or the simple soaring beauty
Of a swallow in mid flight"

I also feel you might consider losing the capitals at the start of each line; whilst it is convention in some forms of layout, it might read better with natural punctuation and capitals simply for the beginning of sentences. Again, it's purely a personal thing but sometimes I find it doesn't necessarily help or add to a peom by centering the text.

Having said all this I did enjoy the sentiments expressed in the poem, and I hope you won't find my observations insulting or unhelpful - I would never claim any kind of expertise and they are only my opinion, for what it's worth, for you to take or leave. It's your work and if you are happy with it then that's all that's important.
Keep writing and keep posting!

Regards,
A.E.

jane wilcock

Fri 17th Jul 2009 22:16

I feel as if you have given me that orchid, beautiful

Dave D Poet Rhumour

Fri 17th Jul 2009 20:13

Thanks for commenting Isobel, glad you enjoyed it.

All comments are welcome lass whether I know folk or not - Cynthia is quite right to pull me up on the extraneous apostrophes, bit of a blind moment there - it's exactly the sort of error I've often pointed out to my daughter, lol.

Thanks again, Dave

Isobel

Fri 17th Jul 2009 18:26

A lovely poem Dave - I don't often like poems about nature or still life but this isn't still life and some things can take your breath away and be so hard to describe as you capture so well. I'm presuming you know previous commentors well. Such pointed one sided commentary can only come from very good friends indeed.

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Fri 17th Jul 2009 17:40

Dave, I really like this, the idea and the charm of the language used. But, because you're working almost in the basic couplet form, I personally would like all of it to scan as well as the last four lines ... a little 'tighter' as they say. By the way, so you'll know, 'it's' means 'it is' and 'its' means 'belonging to' as in 'its beauty'. Just a smallish point, but it is a reading bump.

Dave D Poet Rhumour

Sun 12th Jul 2009 23:38

LOL - I promise not to be beholding to you then, hehe. I suspect you might find 'Exposure' slightly more up thar street ;)

Sun 12th Jul 2009 23:33

well, alright, but I'd still advocate giving up beholding. Last time I beheld I got some beauty in my eye; it effing wrecked!

Dave D Poet Rhumour

Sun 12th Jul 2009 23:30

Maybe, maybe not. I think I prefer not on the whole, but doubtless you like freedom of expression too - whilst we are still allowed any....... ;)

Sun 12th Jul 2009 23:25

You might want to replace "thee" with "you" and live in the century we've got. It's ace. We've got these supermarket doors that open as if by magic when you go near them. And, we've stopped beholding things too.

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