I cannot feel your pain.
Your body is numb,
Your mind in hibernation.
For now, let yourself rest
In June’s heat and chatter.
It will take time to be
that knight again
that I cherish so.
But I am there.
Within the silence
I am there.
© Katypoetess 2015
This is so good. The sensitivity is gripping - the scope of togetherness, love and immediate surroundings.
I'm going to be irritating enough to make a suggestion:
'I cannot feel your pain.
Your body is numb
Your mind in hibernation.
For now, let yourself rest
In June's heat and chatter.
etc.'
IMO, the first line then is a distinct reality from the state of suspended pain of the other,very ill character. It doesn't raise the question of - why would you 'feel the pain, if he/she is sedated to oblivion? It opens the possibilities as to what you might mean, which is the 'meat' of great poetry, however brief.
And then, you also have an inherent balance of stanza lines, as well, the one-line opener with the one-line dramatic high point: 'But I am there.'
Katy, don't be annoyed. For me, it's a bit like having a good gob-bash over a glass of wine, talking together about our work. Just tell me to get lost and I will.
Nice one Katy. I love the lines' your body is numb, your mind in hibernation'
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Nigel Astell
Thu 20th Aug 2015 15:21
Within this silence is love
that screams in helpless pain
of what might have been
only heard in your poetry.