Lily going by

 

(A revised post from my vanished blogs)

 

Hers was a beauty shear and clear and clean!

 ……………A beauty born to break

 Across the placid sight of placid men,

 Leaving such lovely turbulence in its wake

 That they be never - ever - the same again.

 

◄ Should he go to Specsavers?

The anti - promiscuity calypso ►

Comments

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Chris Co

Wed 30th Jan 2013 09:57

I'd echo M.C. Oh and elegant - no poetic turbulence.

Best

Chris

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Harry O'Neill

Mon 28th Jan 2013 17:30

Yvonne,

Your comment about `clipper` has been very helpful.

It made me think of the billowing sails of a clipper being too full for the intended image (a clean beauty cutting across placidness)This in turn fetched up some words for `sharp`and an anxiety I blogged in the discussions about fear of copying Hopkins (as if I could!)So I`ve changed it

...Lost the alliteration but`shippy` turbulence and wake are still there.

Thanks.

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Yvonne Brunton

Sat 26th Jan 2013 16:34

love the cunning use of the word 'clipper' here, Hugh as it left me wondering if you were writing about a woman or a ship( although the title seems to lean more towards it being a woman I don't want to relinqish the idea of a ship.)Although I am usually allergic to repetition the deliberate repetition of 'placid'is well thought out and very effective - as is the len gth of the poem . We are given a brief snapshot which leave us wanting more of this ephemeral image of perfection.

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Harry O'Neill

Sat 26th Jan 2013 16:14


Cynthia
I`m always doin` that comma thing

Yourpoint about the last line is sound


Changed `em...thanks

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 26th Jan 2013 15:10

I also like this imagery and its extended idea very much. Check the possessives: 'Hers' and 'its'. 'they be' is quite arresting in its archaic use. While I'm here, perhaps dashes would separate 'never - ever - ' more dramatically. Just a thought to share with a keen writer.

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Isobel

Fri 25th Jan 2013 19:19

Lovely Harry. Don't remember seeing this before. Enjoyed the sea imagery here and yes the brevity of the piece works - it reinforces the idea that such a woman isn't to be possessed.

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M.C. Newberry

Fri 25th Jan 2013 12:51

Proving it isn't necessary to labour a point.
Brevity is beauty here!

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Nick Clifton

Thu 24th Jan 2013 09:20

A beautifully understated raving of beauty left to the mind of us mere mortals and your loyal reader. ta muchly, nick

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