A Lady's dismissal

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Write your promises

on steamy glass

your vows of love

with fingered air

what meaning meant

now base and spent

as a smile becomes 

a sneer. 

 

words and foto T Carroll

 

 

◄ On stolen sheets

The Gaoler's daughter ►

Comments

Debbie Houghton

Fri 11th May 2012 03:04

And for my experience of your poem "becomes" is better as these last few words describes the man's relationship now, the rest of the poem relating the "before " of his story.

Debbie Houghton

Fri 11th May 2012 02:45

Oh this is really good Tommy, brilliantly clever imagery.
You have woven the start and end of a relationship from just a few short verses.
The steamy hot flush of new love: your names inside hearts on windows, which are altered and changed by the temperature drying out causing condensation "tears" to dribble down the window and the "smile becomes a snear"
True poetry.

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Lynn Dye

Mon 7th May 2012 14:35

I really like this, Tommy, good one!

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Julian (Admin)

Fri 4th May 2012 09:34

I really like this, Tommy. It's poetic and hints at a story arc within few words.

I would agree you might think about dropping 'mainly'. Adverbs are often superfluous in poetry as good as this. How about also replacing 'became' with 'now', and swopping 'your smile' for 'a smile'?

Or does that turn it from your poem into mine? If so, apols.

This is the sort of poetry I like, essential, spare, interesting.

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Chris Co

Thu 3rd May 2012 17:08

I think you've got something here Tommy. It certainly captures a certain indefinable something.

Personally I would drop the would mainly, it loses a tad in qualification but gains a lot sonically and in turn of phrase appeals a little more.

Good write

Chris

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Isobel

Wed 2nd May 2012 07:30

I shall imagine you waving two fingers at me now as you dismiss my suggestions :)

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Isobel

Wed 2nd May 2012 07:28

I like this. I'd agree with Stella that removing 'mainly' helps the flow but wouldn't put in mostly either; I'd just say 'as a smile becomes a sneer' . I think you could also consider changing became to something else like 'is now' - she says in a folky voice, with a finger in her ear... :)

stella jones

Wed 2nd May 2012 00:19


It is not so nice when smiles transform into sneers.

I like the feel of nothing being solid here..think that mostly sneer fits a bit better than mainly a sneer but thats only me innit?.

well writ :)

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Yvonne Brunton

Tue 1st May 2012 23:18

well yes, you can look at the title and read it a a lady dismissing someone - or - someone dismissing a lady!

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Tommy Carroll

Tue 1st May 2012 22:26

Yvonne- it could be both?!
;o)

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Yvonne Brunton

Tue 1st May 2012 22:22

nice one.So often this is the case and very succinctly put - but why a lady and not a man?

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