I washed her
from my pillow-slips.
In a white plastic bucket
I soaked away her body's breath,
and with bleach removed
the evidence she had left.
We snatched the time
to make our marks
with sweat and
firm commitments.
The stains on stolen sheets
proved easier to erase
than those she ground into
the fabric of my room,
I watched as
traces of our time
together
turned the water dark.
This is terrific - for me, one of your best. A complete capture from the first two lines, and it just kept getting better.
What Winston said - this is fantastic Tommy, you're on a roll at the moment eh?
Strong stuff! The clipped phrases really heighten the emotive element of this poem.
Great, really moody.
Cheers Win- I had struggled with the 4th myself and at 3am called it a night. Thanks for the comments and advice. Tommy
Tommy, Had to comment on this one as it grabbed me by the throat and demanded it. The collection of NUS card and photo ephemera really adds to the words. Strong opening. viciously real second stanza. Loved the rhythm and sylable count of third stanza. Might fiddle with the 4th (the repeated were and otherwise a bit clunky). 'Turned the water dark' Fabulous. A great poem Tommy. Win x
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<Deleted User> (10241)
Fri 11th May 2012 03:07
Wow Tommy what a poem the last verse especially. Your poetry is breathtaking!