(Not an original title, I'm afraid.  My debt is to John O'Farrell's excellent tome "I Have a Bream".)

 

 

There’s a lady out there

And she can’t climb the stairs

At her bedtime which is

Half past seven;

She was lured was Aunt Hannah

By the junkmail from Stannah

Into buying their Stairlift

To Heaven.

 

But she found it so slow

When she needed to go -

Half an hour on the Stairlift

From Heaven;

So from ground to first floor

She just found it a bore

Like a rainy weekend stuck

In Devon.

 

So for her own special treat

She’s adapted the seat;

Now she rides up and down

Till eleven;

She sits on her mobile phone

Which is set to vibrate tone

So she no longer needs

Uncle Kevin.

 

Oooohhh! And it makes me wonder!

“Oooohhh!” She moans like thunder!

Oooohhh! Really makes me wonder!

“Oooohhh!” She moans like thunder!

 

Now this ending will rock you

‘Cos in partnership with Nokia

She’s provided them both with

A rare gift;

A joint marketing banner

Used by Nokia and Stannah,

“Get the ride of your life

On our Stairlift”.