I guess I should have worried

When you used to chop up worms

But I was your loving mother

So I wasn’t too concerned.

Maybe it was a bad sign

When you set fire to your bed

But I was just so doting

“Oh dear” was all I said.

And on the occasion

You hacked off your sister’s plaits

I must have been on your side so

We’ll draw a veil o'er that.

The kitten in the microwave

Was not your finest hour

But at least I saved poor pussy

By turning off the power.

And when you poisoned grandma

I didn’t know what to say

But the mean old biddy had only given

You a fiver for your birthday!

When you slashed the tyres

Of your English teacher’s car,

Well, I didn’t like him either

So to me you were a star!

Then you ate the hamster

‘Tween two thick slices of bread

After I put you on a diet

(but you were hungry, so you said!)

You pulled the wings off butterflies –

I think most small boys do –

But now you’re going into politics

Well, I’m not going to vote for you!!!