He rang me to say I owed him,
I said, I dreamt this,
it is not true.
His African mask melted,
behind it I perceived his civilised demeanour.
This also faded.
A shadow fell between us.
For all I know, it was all just made up stuff.
To bring about an end
I walked away.
But in stark daylight,
to avoid shadows and dreams.
fly-on-the-wall and in the dark.
I like the deliberate ambiguity/lack of clarity.
It makes the reader work and can be interpreted differently each time it's read.
I concur with Dave. This seems very much a modern response to a modern life.
P.S
Congrats on the performance at Poets Corner- a fine display of poetry.
My Best
Chris
Yes - you express yourself in a thoughtful way and nothing is obvious. I liked the end to the ending also. It gives the impression of stripping away all corners to hide in - an acceptance of things as they are, not as anyone thinks or wishes.
Enjoyed this, I found the last lines not sad, but invigoarting - seizing control and clarity.
xx
Agree with Houston, those last 2 lines are killer.
Seems to be on the surface a simple piece, but so much underneath it. I love the African mask metaphor, the strength shown, and the acknowledgement of not knowing. Shades of neg cap again I reckon ;)
A poem that feels like it belongs in this century, where people seem to be getting more cmplicated all the time - which it expresses very well
Hi Elaine
Comes across as a painful,delicate piece this.
Nicely done.
john x
'For all i know, it was just made up stuff.
To bring about an end'
I know this thought. It hurts.
xx
Bit confusing this, endings often are. so no prob there. missheard messages and true feelings undisclosed come through. I liked the exotic African mask and 'all just made up stuff' which trips off nicely and familiar though not cliche. The last 2 lines however anre the crunch in this. Protecting yourself without overstating things, the power of thse last lines easily missed I think Win x
<Deleted User> (6315)
Tue 11th Oct 2011 20:58
Like the use of his African masked melted..his native persona..the only little nit I have is the use of shadow/s twice perhaps change the second one to darkness?..Wot dya think?..mind you then you would have three D words...hmmm lol I shall shurrup!!
Save to say I enjoyed this sad one..x
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Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sun 20th Nov 2011 16:12
So strong it brought a quiver to my chest, a sympathetic shiver. And I am at odds about the ending. Avoidance of 'shadows and dreams' is not resolution. It is a new 'mask' and, in its own cover-up, just as damning as 'his'. Moreover, I find nothing 'modern' about this situation; such duplicity has been 'forever'. I think the repetition of 'shadow' is very effective, as it implies two ideas and highlights a 'blow to clarity of all kinds'.
I do think 'African' is a bit too specific for the idea of 'outlandish hiding behind', 'covering up reality'. Implying 'native' is a dicey allusion. I don't think you intend to steer us into the murky waters of East/West civilizations, but I could be wrong. Perhaps the man in question is black, and the reference does exactly fit. If not, I think you need a different word, to be just the 'horror of a mask' meant only to conceal, perhaps unknowingly even to the wearer. And now, I shut up. Always with respect.