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Trapped in this awful fucking life where I wanted to love but ruined the chance when I got it. I’ll never forget her but what does that matter now with defeat snapping at my heels, she fully understands the past snapping at her heels, like mine does. Her words, not mine. I surrender to the nightmare night-time dark veil of defeat and await my end. It came sooner than I thought, swifter than I expected.

A Russian sub got us. Will she care for me when I’m dead, knowing she had her chance and blew it when she broke my fucking heart? When I’m in the sea, crazy thoughts come to me in their own waves. She told me, how her own mother hated her and said she was swapped at birth; all she wanted to do was to create, like I do. Of how she loved my country and left before her time, desperately needing to return. How I said I wanted her when we talked over the phone, yet because of my letters she thought I was a villain and went quiet. Ending what we had before it began.

Now I surrender, I fully realised I can’t beat fate, when the fish eat my corpse I hope she’s happy that I’m gone. Do I blame her? Yes or I would never have got onto the ship. Should I have of waited for the Russians to get me? To die by their hands? If we were together, I’d be happy and in love. Not lost and drowning in a freezing ocean. Before, I heard someone say it takes four minutes to freeze to death.

She already killed my heart, only my body needs to die now. Will my death be mourned by her, while I die in a freezing sea as my torpedoed ship sinks, taking many thousands of guilty and a score of innocents to the bottom? What a shame I’m not trapped on the sinking vessel, I get to freeze to death in the open ocean and not drown on a sinking ship.

It’s good to die; none of us can ever hurt anyone else nor break anymore hearts. Not ever again. Don’t ever dare mourn us.

trappeddeathshipwarlove lost

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