Andy N

My hometown

Monday 15th August 2011 8:56 am

You used to tell me
You only loved my town
When it poured it down.

You used to tell me
You used to love
Counting all the drops
That would dangle
Off my roof
Once it stopped
Like it had a mind
Of it’s own.

You used to love looking
At leafs clinging
Onto the old tree in my garden
And count their lines
Like veins on hands
Which also dripped off
The nearby bus shelter
Over people’s hats.

You loved the black clouds
That hovered by the airport
Like portals of doom
And people running
Down the tunnels from the planes
As the rain show down at them
With a vicious push.

A vicious push,
Right up until you were gone
And the rain
Carried on saluting puzzled
As I was left
To march back home
Leaving me feeling
Like I had just kissed chaos.

◄ Ticket to Ride (Blackpool Mystery)

The End of Summer (I) ►

Comments

Andy N

Thu 1st Sep 2011 13:20

Thanks to all for their comments here.. The piece certainly is a bit of a rough diamond and will certainly get amended.

For those interested it is a piece about where I live in Stretford... x

Jeff Dawson

Thu 18th Aug 2011 06:55

Hi Andy, great poem, kissing chaos line is great way to end it.

It needs bit of tidying to strengthen it up like the others have said, I think I mentioned 'onto' rather than 'over' hats and 'leaves' rather than 'leafs' would be better.

Also not sure what 'the rain show down at them' means, should it be showered? In any case I love the first 3 lines of that stanza

You loved the black clouds
That hovered by the airport
Like portals of doom

Great poem mate deservedly getting comments, could work through it when I see you if you want and should be on we do as A Means to an End, cheers Jeff

Francine

Tue 16th Aug 2011 23:50

I have to agree with the others, and this is such a fantastic line!

'Leaving me feeling
Like I had just kissed chaos.'

Elaine Booth

Tue 16th Aug 2011 15:23

Nah, Andy - keep the past tense - it is more bitter-sweet and evocative, for me, that way! There's a sighing to the sound of the poem that fits so well. Understated, as Charlotte said which is why "just kissed chaos" is so powerful.

Do agree with Charlotte re: portals of doom though. I totally get what you mean but think a more original Andy N. version would strengthen the image. XXX

Antony Owen

Tue 16th Aug 2011 14:30

the best one you've written I really dig this !

Great opening and strong stanzas throughout. A bit of a tweak in lines 4 and 5 getting rid of repetition and you have a keeper.

One of the best I've read on here in a while.

Isobel

Tue 16th Aug 2011 14:06

'kissing chaos' has to be one of the best images in this poem - it's unusual but really effective.

For some reason I would have preferred this poem written in present tense - I think it would flow better without all the 'hads' and used tos and it would feel sadder at the end - the loss would be more immediate.

I enjoyed it though. xx

Laura Taylor

Tue 16th Aug 2011 10:20

Aye, very evocative Andy, think the repetition in it works well too

winston plowes

Mon 15th Aug 2011 23:39

Liked this a lot Andy

Could I suggest replacing 'over' peoples hats with 'onto'

great emotion great ending.

Hope you are well

Win X

Charlotte Henson

Mon 15th Aug 2011 22:12

this has a kind of background emotion. though it isn't blatant, you can feel it and it is wonderfully moody.

"leaving me feeling
like i had just kissed chaos."
was especially effective and stays in my mind.

however, "like portals of doom" stays in my mind for the wrong reasons, i don't think it was very effective and it feels out of place with the rest of the poem. just a heads up :)

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