Note: No profile exists for this entry - most likely it was deleted.

Untitled

Friday 25th March 2011 5:43 pm

Melting into perfect pages
the way I forced myself on you
two decades ago,
I must step back and wonder,
have you gone mad with age,
or is this just some futile attempt
to rob me of an apology due?

Don't you remember?
I knew you when purple painted stars
adorned your door
and our secret needs were the fire
that lit your eyes.

When you dressed in Easter colors
and went for "walks" in the woods with Seth,
I was there,
patiently waiting,
for you to take another walk with me.

So remember,
should a dozen more years pass,
and I bruise a thousand lovers,

my fingers were the first
to travel the valley of your thigh,
my lips the first to taste you
and draw out your shameful sigh.
This sinful heart, and cunning mind,
the very first who claimed you
and in your secret heart,
you'll always know,
just who it was that named you...

So don't turn your back on me child,
I'm the father of over indulgence
and X-ray glance.
I can see the stains on your hands
and I'm better at this game.

Justice not forthcoming,
I'm left alone
with a million sinners in my hand.

◄ Untitled

The Uninvited ►

Comments

Terry White

Tue 29th Mar 2011 13:39

It's mostly because of the places I have time available to write. I can't go through the elements of tearing apart a poem, figuring out what to keep, what needs changed so it flows better, and all that is required when I only have a few minutes here and there.
The majority of my writing is done in the space between a judge sentencing someone and me signing them up on probation. Sometimes there are ten minutes there, sometimes less than one. So it's easy for me to take a small notebook and write in it, but hard for me to pay a lot of attention to what I'm doing. I always have to keep my ears on what's going on.
The second most productive time I have to write is sitting in my car between 3:00 and 3:15 while I am waiting to pick my son up. Just enough time for me to quickly write a few things.
My weekly schedule is pretty hectic. I wake up at 5am, fix breakfast, get my daughter up for a shower, wake up my son, feed him, fix my daughter's plate, start doing dishes, finish them, go over homework from the night before and listen to my son read. By then it's 7am and I have to fix lunches and make sure they are ready. After that it's 7:30 and were off to school. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have classes from 9am until 9pm. On Mon, Wed, and Fri I have to be at court at 8:30. After 3:45 when I drop my kids off with my mom I head to school, and am there until 9, by then time I get home it's close to ten and I check the computer before I pass out.
Saturdays are usually filled with activities for the kids, a soccer game, a football game, a baseball game, a dance, a boyscout event, ect. Sundays are the only days I have to relax and I usually spend the afternoons painting or writing. Most of the poems I write during the week are like this:

I see the Honeysuckle Poison Queen,
she's living all our wasted dreams...
I'm going to fall in love with her
tomorrow night.

Just something I jot down at the time to help me remember an idea or phrase I want to transform into a poem. I'll jot down dozens of these and maybe ten or so longer poems a day. On Sunday's I pull out these little snips and try to make something out of them, or I work on something I really like and would love to see finished.
I think I have given you the wrong idea when I say I trash poems. It's not that I throw them away, just that I don't invest anymore time in them. I hope in my retirement I will be able to take all of these old notebooks and spend years with them. Giving them the devotion they need to be something I can appreciate.
I already have a bad habit of not thinking a poem is finished and could spend weeks or months just working on one, writing it, re-writing it a different way, it would never end. For me it's easier just to write something and let it be for a while. If I am not happy with it, I'll just write a different poem about the same thing instead of taking time to edit. I wont even touch a poem I've signed (after I take a little phrase or something I've written and write it out into a full poem I sign the bottom of the page so I'll know I've already worked on it) for a year because I want to see it with fresh eyes.

Laura Taylor

Tue 29th Mar 2011 09:36

Hi Terry

Okay, I am about to state the bleedin' obvious, which is that you COULD have more time editing if you really wanted to, by not splurging as much, by reining in the sheer amount you write and spend that time instead working through the existing poems. I don't believe for a second that it's a waste of time to work on a piece of writing, even if the end result doesn't change, at least you will have thought it through.

Sorry, I realise it sounds like I'm banging on about it, but I am really struggling to understand how you don't feel you have the time to improve your poems, when you clearly state that there are aspects of every poem that you don't like.

Anyway, not for me to judge or owt - it's just good that you ARE writing, I guess :)

Terry White

Tue 29th Mar 2011 02:37

See, that's what I'm talking about Ray! I have to agree with you, it's not poetic enough or something, I just don't like it. I love the honesty and criticism, keep it up, that's what I'm here for.

Ray Miller

Tue 29th Mar 2011 00:01

It's an interesting poem, Terry. Here's what I think.
"Two decades ago" adds nothing to the rhythm or the narrative.
"rob me of a due apology" sounds better, I think.
Apart from the Easter colours the 3rd verse is a bit dull.
Best to avoid secret heart and sinful heart.One heart only!
I'm the father of over-indulgence is good and ought to stand without the x-ray glance.
million sins on my hands? Assuming it means what you're saying.
It's not poetic enough for my liking and it needs a title - every poem needs a title. But plaudits for tackling "a difficult subject".

Terry White

Mon 28th Mar 2011 19:05

I do edit some of them, but I really have to be careful which ones I choose to spend the time on. I've spent weeks taking a poem through drafts just to realize I've wasted my time, and I really don't have that much time to waste. I am a single father of two children, attend school full time, work as a part time probation officer three days a week, and I just don't have time.
I think your all misunderstanding me, it's not that I wouldn't like to try to take all my poems through the editing process, I would love to do that to anything I write that shows even the smallest amount of possibility. Realistically though, I will never have that chance, at least no time soon. I sit in the back of court rooms and write in little books that can fit in my pocket, I write in between classes, I write when I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for my kids to get out of school. These places allow me to quickly write what I can, not to examine every line and see what should be going where, what should be removed or added.
That's why I am so glad I found this website. You don't know how nice it is to be able to share a poem you have mixed feelings about as soon as it's written and actually have feedback. I would love to hear more harsh criticism, to be told more often what I'm doing wrong, but still, I love it. I usually have to hand my little notebooks to friends and wait weeks for them to get back with nothing more than a number at the top of a page (one through nine) which gives me a general idea of how much they like or dislike it. And to be honest, I can't really trust them, I think they are scared of hurting my feelings because they will rate dumb poems I put in there on purpose to be bad with 7's or 8's.
Look at me getting far from the subject. Anyway, about twice a year I'll gather together a couple hundred I think are deserving and seek out a self publishing place and make a book. It usually ends up costing me a couple hundred bucks, but poetry is my passion, I know there isn't a way to ever make a career out of it, but that doesn't matter much. As long as I think I have something to say, and a unique way of saying it, I'll be sitting in the back of courtrooms with my head down, scribbling in a little book that looks like it's been in my back pocket for too long.

Laura Taylor

Mon 28th Mar 2011 11:47

I also thought of an incestuous connection.

With the others - I like this a lot, don't trash it.

Why do you bother writing all of those poems if you're never going to hone any of them? Just curious. If you're going to the bother of writing them, wouldn't you want them to be the best they can be?

Terry White

Sun 27th Mar 2011 00:48

I am really shocked that your all saying work on it. I really don't know what it is about it that I don't like, I just don't like it. It may be how it switches styles in the middle or something, I just don't think it flows right, or that it relates what I wanted it to. I write 30-40 poems a day and I really don't have time to break down and edit every poem, so I really have to pick and choose which ones merit the time needed to become something I'd let get put in a book. I just don't think this one shows any promise of me ever liking it.

On a side note, Cynthia, wow, I never noticed that this could be an incestuous poem. Thanks for catching that possibility. I've not ever tried writing any poems about messed up family problems like that, I think you've inspired me to try my hand at some new material.

<Deleted User> (6895)

Sat 26th Mar 2011 23:28

TRASH NOT!Terry,its an absolute wow of a poem-excellent use of simple words.a really lovely read.thank you.

Julian (Admin)

Sat 26th Mar 2011 20:34

What about it don't you like, Terry? The way it reads, or what it is about?
The latter we cannot really comment on, only speculate about. The former is only problematic because it is still in draft, it seems to me. Some absolutely stunning lines in here, that make us eager to see the poem completed, edited so that all remains are the stunning lines.
One approach you could try is one we use in workshops: print it off, then cut out all the best lines, throw the rest away, then move the lines you have left around and see what it leaves you. It usually works a treat. Worth a try at least. stick them on a sheet of A4 with Pritt so you can lift them off and move them until you see what you have.

<Deleted User> (7212)

Sat 26th Mar 2011 20:14

I think it's way too good to trash it.
I'd live with it a while longer & see if any trimming's needed (or additions) but it's a great read.

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 26th Mar 2011 17:01

Many lines are simply beautiful. A very well-crafted poem in general. I can't quite decide whether it is a father's incestuous relationship with a daughter, or just first love between teenagers as 'to rob me of an apology due' seems to imply. Whatever, the diction breathes sensuality. Don't trash it.

Terry White

Sat 26th Mar 2011 03:34

After re-reading this, I don't like it. I'm trashing it.

melanie coady

Fri 25th Mar 2011 19:55

wow! xx

If you wish to post a comment you must login.

Please consider supporting us

Donations from our supporters are essential to keep Write Out Loud going

Bringing poetry to people

Click here to donate now