The velvet dusted sleeve of night
Dark and darker yet to light the moon
Bejewelled silken cuff of ocean
Whets the appetite of dream
Vivid beneath all heavens splendour
Vivid beneath satin dancing splashes
Soft agin warm earth's mantle
Skirts of bright embroidered ruby
Skirts of bright all jet and golden
Rose lace billows petticoat dawning
Below the last shining sequined star
A world’s turn away
Some lovely images here. I like the first and last stanzas best, and would probably be soul-satisfied with just them as I find them resonant, lyrical and evocative in diction.
You paint a perfect picture Gus. I have seen such nights and mornings in the rising and the setting of the sun.
<Deleted User> (7164)
Thu 24th Feb 2011 12:43
I can see her now :-)
beautiful imagery Gus.x
particularly love the first stanza, gus although i really enjoyed all of it gus and the last line brought a lump to my throat..
top banana - may see you next week at G & W or W.O.L. Bolton soon???
Hi Ray
Yes indeedie Poo... I have no idea why there is an 'a' and i also agree that the reverse of wording much improves the flow.
Many thanks for you critique.
gus
There's summat about 8 syllabled lines and I liked these two lots
Skirts of bright embroidered ruby
Skirts of bright all jet and golden
I don't know why you think you need "a 2 between petticoat and dawning and I'd prefer shining before sequined.
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jane wilcock
Sun 27th Feb 2011 21:24
I can hear Longfellow again. It's a lovely rhythmic piece.