Ruchill Park, Glasgow 10 a.m. 29th December 2010

The dear, black and white dog sees the ball,

chases the ball,

all it sees is the ball, and

it does not see the deer, and

for that I am grateful.

For the two deer,

ghosting spirit-like through lovely trees

in this ordinary urban park.

For the dog still by my side,

not disappearing after bobbing white rumps.

I am grateful for it all.

 

Two minutes and two hundred yards later,

in the same park, just down the slope,

a woman swigging a drink,

a bottle of spirits,

brandy I think.

Half-gone, like her.

 

The spirit of deer

and an old dear full of spirits.

What are you doing here, deer?

What are you doing here, dear?

◄ Respect

Filling time at grandparent's (Childhood) ►

Comments

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Chris Co

Thu 3rd Feb 2011 15:54

Really good Dave, the reading of this at Moreton really made me think....not sure how I missed it first time round.

Good word play at the end of the second to last and last stanza, but not trivial- far from it.

Well written.

Chris

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Banksy

Wed 5th Jan 2011 22:21

Dave -
"Another word for lovely? The trees aren't majestic or particularly beautiful. There aren't a huge number of them but somehow they have the character of a small wood, even though they're not. Blowed if I know how to sum that up in one word - wish I could"

I think your aim here, for Demotic words, not florid, not grandiose, not majestic, not poetical, not lyrical - ie just plainly spoken - as in a conversation - is entirely valid and even laudable. There's nothing wrong with lovely trees - it's Your poem - if they're lovely, they're lovely - end of !

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Laura Taylor

Wed 5th Jan 2011 16:02

Mmm bobbing white rumps. Ooops, sorry, Carry On mode ;)

That last verse is a corker.

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John Aikman

Wed 5th Jan 2011 12:36

Yes, I have been known to play with my balls in the park...I was a plucky and tireless mid-fielder who was always likely to pop up in the box and slot one in.

Generally speaking, I think most poems have altogether too many adjectives anyway, but when they are used they should be part of a metaphor or similie rather than just 'lovely' or 'nice'...but hey, what do I know?

:-)

Jx

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Elaine Booth

Tue 4th Jan 2011 22:22

Liked this, Dave - your obsession with words shines through. There is somethng quiet and humble in the repeated "I am grateful".

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Isobel

Tue 4th Jan 2011 17:19

How about nice? ;) x

You can let your imagine wander you know - you don't always have to tell it like it is. Those dogs didn't need to be chasing the balls... I can imagine what John Aikman would be doing with them...

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Dave Bradley

Tue 4th Jan 2011 17:11

Thanks for commenting Greg, Andy, Izz and John. This website is like a Carry-on film sometimes (-: An excess of balls? Well,(boring explanation mode) you must have thrown the occasional ball to a dog. When they're chasing it, that's all they can think of, and the repetition was deliberate - to reflect the dog's tunnel vision.

Another word for lovely? The trees aren't majestic or particularly beautiful. There aren't a huge number of them but somehow they have the character of a small wood, even though they're not. Blowed if I know how to sum that up in one word - wish I could

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John Aikman

Tue 4th Jan 2011 16:56

Nice one. I agree with Greg though, 'lovely trees' isn't very illuminating...deer, dear.

*shakes his head slowly*

:-)

Jx

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Isobel

Tue 4th Jan 2011 16:42

too much use of balls... I love it...but now you mention it Andy...

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Andy N

Tue 4th Jan 2011 13:41

like the repeating at the end of this, Dave although it did throw me a bit the first stanza as i originally thought there was two much use of balls... enjoyed it still..

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Isobel

Tue 4th Jan 2011 12:05

I like the way you have made so much of one of those curious moments that happen ever so often. Also like the contrast of the beautiful deer and the old woman - both seeking freedom in their very disparate ways.

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Greg Freeman

Tue 4th Jan 2011 10:38

Enjoyed the sentiments and pace of this, Dave. Thought maybe the trees could be something other than "lovely"?

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