Well guys and gals it’s that time again! Actually, I must apologise for the attack of phony-itus! But my lumbago’s playing up something rotten today - all this mist and mellow fruitfulness! It just doesn’t agree with me at all. Trying to keep my cleft chin up

with a little jovial bonhomie!

 

Anyway, I expect you’ll be stocking up with Easter Eggs and those little fluffy pipecleaner chickens by now! But before you go gallivanting off to Aldi I think you’ll find that my verbiages of wisdom are worth a moment or two of your valuable (sic) time! Or you can just bugger off! (Christmas I hear you say? ALREADY!)

 

 

Aries

When it comes to giving gifts

Aunt Vi is the problem relation.

Remember the two hundred and ninety five editions

That you’ve got left of your Vanity Publication!

(Now where on earth did you put them?

I keep mine in a crate under the stairs.)

 

 

Taurus

Being merry’s what you like best

(You always were a drunken pest)

Put on your glad rags and let’s party

With sequined pants you’ll be a smarty

Underneath the mistletoe.

(Those sequins scratch! Ohohohoh!)

 

 

 

Gemini

Communication is the key

So better tell your friends

What you want for a present

(Oh dear! Here’s where friendship ends!)

(Well, you would keep dropping hints about that diamond encrusted Damian Hurst style mobile phone!)

 

 

Cancer

Ok little crabby friend

Hiding in the corner

Every party you attend

You couldn’t look more forlorner!

(Time to take the floor and read a crustacean poem!

That’ll get them queuing for the black cab ho-em!)

 

 

Leo

Leo likes to be the king

And throw his weight about

But after all the good cheer

This time of the year

I really think gym membership might be the kindest gift of all!

 

 

 

 

Virgo

Oh fancy being the only virgin

At the office “do”!

When the boss gets you

By the filing cabinets

You won’t know what to do!

(If I were you I’d scream!)

 

 

Libra

I do hope Santa comes to you

You’ve been so good this year!

(In fact you’re such a smarmy goody two shoes

You’ve got right up my nose throughout the whole of 2010

and you ain’t getting nothing from me!

                                   Your Uncle Ted)

 

Scorpio

Beware of Christmas gossip

Cause you’ve got a spiteful tongue

Bad stuff will come back at you

And bite you on the bum!

 

 

Sagittarius

If singing carols ain’t your thing

And you find this season a bugger

Then pack your slippers and duffle coat

And go and stay with my mother.

(I never go and see her anymore at Christmas - give me a bottle of gin and sit me in front of ET and I’m quite happy!)

 

 

 

Capricorn

You’ve always been a grumpy goat

When they have fun you get your coat

And rush out from the joyful din

As they all cry “That’s got rid of him!”

 

 

 

 

Aquarius

Now crimble time is on the way

I expect you’re going to spend your pay

But being a poet you’ve got no dough

So to the Oxfam shop you’ll go

And get them all some quant nicnacs

(On Jan 1^st they’ll take ‘em back!)

 

 

Pisces

If you’ve been a lonely fishy

And your tail is all dejected

And your fins are trembling

And your gills feel disconnected

Then Christmas time will thrill you

With the chance of a romance

Your silver scales will glitter

As with the octopus you dance!

(But watch out - he’s a bit of a groper!)