Anniversary Haiku
This is my first experiment with haiku - it was a bit clumsy so thanks to Winston for his comment :)
Her scars are itching
The anniversary looms
No celebration
Comments
I prefer itching cos it sounds more poetic - more classy.This is a good one Laura - it leaves it to the reader to interpret. I would see it as the anniversary of a break up - but I suppose it could be a death, a murder or anything.
If you messed around with it a bit you could turn it into a comic poem.
No celebration
of their anniversary
his scars are itching...
I prefer your version though - I just like clowning around! x
There you go, we can never agree. Ain't it a great life! I liked ITCHY because it was so 'immediate', so likely to be 'said', and therefore, for me, so 'real' because it sounded 'honest'. Maybe it's a 'man thing' to want 'harshness' modified.
<Deleted User> (7212)
Thu 28th Oct 2010 10:47
for once, I agree - it's even better as "itching" - seems complete now
Thanks all - and especially to Winston. The main reason why I thought it was clumsy was the word 'itchy' and for exactly the same reasons! :)
I'm not sure about the semi pause thing after the first line - I'm still totally new to the concept of haiku so I think I'll leave it for now, cos I'm not exactly sure what I could do to change that.
Ah yes, nothing wrong here. Hey... enter the Haiku comp in the news section Laura. By the way, 2 things. 1) I would have Itching not Itchy but not sure why, just the feel of the word (Itchy ends harshly maybe) 2) many say that Haiku should have a natural pause, a detachment somewhere (between 1st and 2nd or 2nd and 3rd lines) This one has a great pause after 2nd line but also a 'semi' pause after 1st as I read it? Hmm. something to think about maybe. Win x
I like enigmatic haikus that raise big questions with just a few words. This is perfect - what sort of scars? What sort of anniversary?
Certainly provokes many possibilities. Very clever to do that in so few words. The feeling that there are so many possible causes for the scar makes me feel a bit itchy too! I wonder if you might get hooked on haikus? ;-)
<Deleted User> (7212)
Wed 27th Oct 2010 13:20
I think it's great - but then I'm no expert, as generally I don't "get it"
(the Haiku concept/rhythm thing)
Thank you both - wasn't very confident about this, having never done a formally structured bit of writing before, so your comments are a lovely surprise :)
Super. Great choice of words full of meanings. It's universal to the nth; could be any celebration of any kind of anniversary, allowing the readership tremendous scope to plug in personally.
<Deleted User> (7164)
Wed 27th Oct 2010 11:26
I like it! Simple and effective. :-)
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Elaine Booth
Mon 8th Nov 2010 20:44
Brill. Loved it. Packs a real punch.