I saw it on the telly and I thought it looked like fun

Our Gert, though, wasn’t sure – she’s got the sex drive of a nun;

“Oh no! this really isn’t me” she said with coy reserve

But “Bugger that!” I thought “This is a treat that I deserve”.

I took her swinging

Our first time swinging

Which started with us innocently mingling;

But it wasn’t long before

She had got beyond the door

That Our Gert was wanting more – her spine was tingling.

 

She’d set her beady eyes upon a youthful handsome hunk

He’d got big ears to hold on and she hoped as big a trunk

The thought had got her steaming; she was ready, she was hot

But me? I felt quite poorly when I saw what he had got.

We were swopping

There was no stopping

When she saw what he was hiding – it was whopping.

So after a quick snog

She was howling like a dog

Once his prodigious chopper started chopping.

 

I sat there at the bar downing pints of Watneys ale

My spirits getting lower and my pallour getting pale

As I watched my wife and lover boy have lots and lots of fun

No longer did she seem to have the sex drive of a nun.

He’s was a swinger

Now she’s a swinger

He had got her all worked up with his best finger

And his certainty of touch

Had her whimpering so much

As she offered him her crotch like a true swinger.

 

This wasn’t what I’d come for, not at all, I have to say

I rather thought it would be me to get my end away

But then I saw two beauties and I thought my luck was in

And a twitch became a semi that became a rolling pin.

I was swinging

Now this was swinging!

Two naughty girls and me; my heart was singing;

But when they got undressed

I became much less impressed

Discovering that the two of them were minging.

 

It turns out that these ladies had played me a dirty trick

It seems they were these “modern” girls that sport an 8” prick

This revelation came to me less as a nice surprise

Than horror as they saw the fear and terror in my eyes.

I was swinging

Alarm bells ringing

As on to my arse-hole I was clinging

I defended it in vain

And endured the after-pain

As days later my raw blurter was still stinging.

 

The weeks have passed and I cannot forgive these lousy swine

I dared not even tell Our Gert about this shame of mine

I fear I’ll never shape up to those hunky swinging men

She pesters me and keeps on asking "Can we go again?"

But no more swopping

This game I’m dropping

The thought of it just gets my hampton flopping;

I’d rather that you’d stick

Red hot pins into my prick

You can shove it up your arse – this wife swopping.