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SQUITTERS

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It's never the wrong time for a delicately constructed villanelle.

 

I’m pretty sure it was them old Spam Fritters

From out the freezer – 6 months out of date

Which caused my present painful bout of squitters.

 

I hear your childish sniggers and your titters

While you make fun of something that I ate

I tell you though it must have been Spam Fritters

 

I’ve often eaten partly uncooked critters

Which caused me then to hurriedly vacate

My bowels, to pebble-dash the bowl in squitters

 

Or when I’ve drunk them cloudy milds and bitters

Next morning’s motions might accelerate

But nothing like the speed of them Spam fritters.

 

It’s lucky that I found these nearby shitters

Cos when the pressure built I couldn’t wait

For once the plug was pulled there shot out squitters

 

This was the daddy of all arse-hole splitters

Which might, I feared, my bowels eviscerate

I’m pretty sure it was them old Spam Fritters

Which caused my present, painful bout of squitters.

◄ ONLY ME!

WE-WON-THE-WAR-IN-1954 ►

Comments

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John Coopey

Mon 7th Mar 2022 08:33

I am working on a quick release arse-flap, Kevin.
And thanks for the Like, Rob.

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kJ Walker

Sun 6th Mar 2022 09:00

Hope you weren't wearing your carabineer bracers. You'd never have got your kecks down in time.

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John Coopey

Thu 3rd Mar 2022 15:59

I’m pretty sure it’s still alive and kicking, John. And not cheap either! I get much cheaper luncheon meat for fishing.

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John Botterill

Thu 3rd Mar 2022 13:34

I empathise, John. It's the curse of processed food. I actually thought Spam had been banned by the Food Standards Agency!

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John Coopey

Wed 2nd Mar 2022 18:49

Thanks for your thoughts Greg and Stephen. I do enjoy stretching the envelope of this delicate pastoral form.

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Stephen Gospage

Wed 2nd Mar 2022 18:04

I was thinking of mentioning Andrew Motion, but you sort of beat me to it, John. Nice lavatory humour.

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Greg Freeman

Wed 2nd Mar 2022 17:47

Do not go gently into that brick shithouse, John.

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John Coopey

Wed 2nd Mar 2022 15:57

I believe even the queen had an annus horribilis once, MC.

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M.C. Newberry

Wed 2nd Mar 2022 15:09

Hard to stomach!! 😃 😃
And it reminds me all too clearly of the time a "bad" buy from a
certain fast food chain saw me head home rather urgently
from my "local" after barely a pint, only to have to turn around rapidly and return to a thankfully vacant pub loo - just in time!!
I break into a cold sweat even now just thinking of how close I
came to literally s......g myself in public. Liquidity took on a
very non-banking meaning THAT evening!

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