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Llanbwychllyn Lake

The glossy surface is framed by yellow

and white water-lilies; above in the heather

wild horses gather to flash tails at flies

in the withering heat. A bird of prey circles,

and swooping, awakens maternal concern

for the children below. Sun-splashed

nakedness shakes the composure

of cormorants and mute swans. Deep

in the night the call of the screech owl,

stars as large as her eyes.

"This is what life could be like" she whispered.....

".....without you." I manfully ended her sentence.

◄ Motion Doesn't Matter!

Melancholy Baby ►

Comments

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sun 25th Jul 2010 19:46

I agree with everyone about your descriptive skill. I like your works. In this poem, I do think you could lose unnecessary words that stall the immediacy of your images. A passive verb is not usually a very strong beginning; 'in the' need not be repeated; 'above' is understood, unless you mean 'mountain sides' which I don't think comes through. Sometimes special words that you really like just need to be repositioned, not jettisoned. I guess, Ray, I think it needs skillful tightening. How did we get from 'sun-splashed nakedness' to 'deep in the night' so fast? Just a question; I may have missed a clear point.

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Ray Miller

Mon 19th Jul 2010 22:31

John and Lynn, thanks very much, glad you liked it.

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Lynn Dye

Mon 19th Jul 2010 19:31

I agree with other comments made, just love your descriptions, Ray.

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John Darwin

Mon 19th Jul 2010 15:21

Ray, beautifully descriptive and a stunning finish.


Thanks
John

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Ray Miller

Mon 19th Jul 2010 15:19

Lads, I thank you so much. I've little faith in my descriptive abilities, and needed a lift! Thanks again!

darren thomas

Mon 19th Jul 2010 14:19

I have to agree - you always seem to use the appropriate words - steering a reader in one direction - before we deviate over a poetic turn's cliff.

Good stuff Ray.

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Dave Bradley

Mon 19th Jul 2010 09:22

Lovely description, intriguing conclusion teasing the reader. Nice one

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