I think I've heard Billy Connolly say that you have to respect Mother Nature knowing what she's doing.  But it's beyond the wit of even David Attenborough to comprehend what threats to your ageing body she is anticipating which makes her cause an explosion of body hair in unlikely places.

 

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

With thick foliage on each eye brow

A growth that sprouts so lush and so arboreally

The ladies just can’t help but cry out “Wow!”

Growing faster than a Chinese bamboo bush

Luxuriant enough to make Lord Healey blush

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

I need them trimming and I need it now.

 

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

You’ll shove hot wax up my hirsute nose

Then let it cool, yank it out so sadistically

That it feels like it was glued to my toes

And when I’ve dried my tears and seen your cruel deeds

I’ll see they look like dandelion seeds

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

You’ll be the waxer of my hirsute nose.

 

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

You’ll be the fireman of my hairy ears

Flicking flames at my lug ‘oles and then slapping them

To burn off all the furry hairs

First the left then the right and then taking turns

Avoiding in the nick of time third degree burns

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

You’ll extinguish the fires on my ears.

 

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

You’ll be my barber cutting tufts what grows

We’ll live our lives in perfect harmony

And maybe then I will propose

But I want to make quite sure that you have mastered the knack

Before I let you loose on my back, sack and crack

I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Haddlesey

You’ll be hairdresser to my ears and nose

(And my eyebrows)

Barber to my ears and nose.