Your Scar

(for the little girl who haunts my dreams still) 

 

Dear Daddy,

 

Not that you'd care, but

All that I wanted was to make you proud

But, I was too stupid

Too fat

Too loud

 

All you ever did was bring me down

I was your scar

Your permanent frown

 

I was your verbal punchbag

In your whiskey fuelled state

Never felt I was your child 

Just a vessel for your hate

 

Yet, while you were sleeping

I would kiss your face

And imagine you loved me

Not be your disgrace

 

I think I reminded you too much of her 

The void that she left, you filled with despair

 

I was so desperate to feel that I was a part

Of you and your life

And had a place in your heart

 

But, you never let me in

Only pushed me away

Your vile rhetoric 

Would always hold sway

 

And I know

 

You never raised a fist to me

But you beat me psychologically

You sucked the joy from out my mind

Replaced it with a world unkind

 

I beat my face

I cut my skin

In the hope your arms 

Would draw me in

 

But, they never did

And never will

My lonely world

Such a bitter pill

 

And on my darkest, bleakest night

My mind collapsed, gave up the fight

Consumed by guilt for being born

When in my grave, would Daddy mourn?

 

In the bathtub I lay, pressing razor to vein 

A beckoning exit to this sad life of shame

 

But, upon the water, still clear and warm

Rippled an image of a brand-new dawn 

 

Reaching in through the window, spread red/golden hue

Like ethereal threads of shimmering renew

A cocoon of pure light emblazoned my skin

A butterfly emerging from deep within

 

I rose

 

Like melting diamonds water flowed 

In shimmering light, a gift bestowed

My mind uprooted for new abode

 

   Stepping out of the bathtub, I shed my old skin

A cleansing of soul and self-proclaimed sin

Somehow I found clarity entwined with such hope

My slumbering state, at long last awoke

 

Standing there, naked, autonomous, unafraid

A fire now burning where only ashes had lay

 

I felt

 

Anticipation

    Determination

      No longer Daddy's malignant creation 

 

Time for regeneration…

 

Over my shoulder, I caught the shadow of me

Of that, which I would no-longer be

It billowed and flailed like fog from the sea

Then dissolved into nothing

And then I knew I was free!

 

Daddy,

 

I know not where you are, or even, if you still breathe

But my children and I, is the legacy you leave

And when they ask of you, 

I flatter to deceive 

Not a shred of darkness from my mind I retrieve

 

And, if one night 

you happen to gaze up high

Take in the glittering moonlit sky

Let your eyes travel deep and far 

And there you'll see the brightest of stars

This is where you'll find us

This is where we are

Then, at last, you'll know

 

I'm no-longer your scar.

 

End.

 

( If you're interested, you'll find a bit of an explanation as to where this poem came from on my profile.)

abuselifemental health

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Comments

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Stephen Atkinson

Thu 22nd Oct 2020 16:38

Thank you for taking time to read it & the lovely comment Bon.

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Bon Darcy

Thu 22nd Oct 2020 02:32

Stephen, I felt every word. A wonderful piece

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Stephen Atkinson

Fri 2nd Oct 2020 20:26

Thank you for your kind comment Shifa. Appreciated as always.

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Shifa Maqba

Fri 2nd Oct 2020 18:54

Simply majestic! So poignant but hopeful at the same time. A gem, really.

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Stephen Atkinson

Fri 2nd Oct 2020 18:29

Thank you Neressa! We make memories every day, let's hope they're all good ones!

<Deleted User> (19980)

Fri 2nd Oct 2020 16:05

This really tugged at my heart strings. I felt every word. Brought back many memories. Amazing write!

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Stephen Atkinson

Wed 30th Sep 2020 19:43

Thanks Dan for your kind comment & Like. Much appreciated.

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Dan Holtan

Wed 30th Sep 2020 17:26

The unselfishness and promise in your poem wins the heart. Beautiful.

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Stephen Atkinson

Wed 30th Sep 2020 17:08

Thank you Emer!

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Emer Ni Chorra

Wed 30th Sep 2020 16:14

Beautifully expressed.

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Stephen Atkinson

Tue 29th Sep 2020 17:14

Thank you Julie. And glad you enjoyed my pit yakker bio 😉

julie callaghan

Tue 29th Sep 2020 11:54

Wow, I nearly missed this one! so emotional and even more so when you read the story behind it. Glad I found it as it lead me to your amazing bio. Congratulations on the entry in Beyond The Storm, well deserved.

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Stephen Atkinson

Mon 28th Sep 2020 16:53

Flavia, I'm glad they were good tears! And thanks again

Vautaw, thanks, as always, for the comment & encouragement

Nicola, you're absolutely right. There's too much pressure to fit in etc nowadays, especially if you're young I think. & All I can say is that there are people out there, who, without even knowing you, care & root for your eventual happiness. I wish you both a happy future.

John, any suggestions are most welcome! I must admit I'm a bit of a fraud. I've never studied poetic verse & tbh, don't understand the structure of some poetry! I must read more! Thanks for the comment. Much appreciated.

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Flavia Gordon

Mon 28th Sep 2020 07:07

Oh Stephen, no need to apologize!
It was a cleansing cry...very much needed and appreciated.
A lot of what you expressed hit home, that is all.
It is not every day you come across someone who hasn't gone through it themselves that gets it.❤❤

Nicola Beckett

Mon 28th Sep 2020 04:48

I have an adopted daughter whose 23 and self harms due to the way her father treated her growing up. I needed to read this right now as she's going through a rough ride again at the minute with the self hatred, in a world of scams, greed, money and porn is it any wonder young women's and sometimes young men's self esteem is harmed x

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Vautaw

Mon 28th Sep 2020 04:31

Wow Stephen, this spoke to my inner child. Powerful poetry. 🖤

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John Marks

Sun 27th Sep 2020 23:01

"Like melting diamonds water flowed

In shimmering light, a gift bestowed

My mind uprooted for new abode."


You have the gift Stephen. Write on. Maybe substitute 'a' for 'for', with a comma before 'for', as a caesura? Makes the lines scan better as I read. Only an idea. Hope you don't mind. John



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Stephen Atkinson

Sun 27th Sep 2020 22:27

Flavia, sorry for making you cry! But I'm glad you found it uplifting, that was the ultimate aim. As always, thank you for taking the time to comment

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Flavia Gordon

Sun 27th Sep 2020 22:21

Stephen....I haven't been able to cry for a while now...you broke the dam. It's one of those that leaves you refreshed when done.
Heartwrenching and uplifting all at once.
Thank you for sharing

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Stephen Atkinson

Sun 27th Sep 2020 22:21

As ever, thank you for your comment Paul.

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Paul Sayer

Sun 27th Sep 2020 21:57

This is truly a spellbinding read, Stephen.

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