It’s a weird feeling.
I try so hard to put on a show
To all of my friends
And my family
I need to be strong.
I don't want pity
I don't want to be a charity case
I’ve always been the person people come to for advice
And I’ve always been there for all my friends
And goddammit, I wish they were there for me
I mean they are, in a sense
But no one ever seems to truly care
I have tons of good memories with them
I love them all
And yet, no one checks in on me at night
Why should they?
I’ve always put on a show
Always put on a face
And I know I would brush it off anyway
Because I have to put on a show
I can’t let anyone know I’m a mess
It shows weakness
Weakness doesn’t get you anywhere
Being strong does.
Being reliable does.
Being intelligent does.
But it’s hard to be those when you hate yourself.
When you despise your reflection
Every single mistake, and there’s a lot
And how you’re never good enough for anyone
And how you were always being told that
And came to believe it
Because it’s true.
To be strong and ignore it.
But it’s been nineteen years.
I don’t know how much longer I can fake it.
And to the few that only know parts
Of my life
Always tell me
“Just be you”
“You’re so strong”
I’m not being me.
I’m not strong.
I’m weak for letting it get to me.
I’ve been clean for over four years
Well, physical at least
But tonight was the first night I’ve been tempted again
I looked in the bathroom mirror
For what seemed like hours
Trying to tell myself that I’m better than that
And it won’t help anything
But I’m not too sure anymore.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry I’m not strong enough.
I’m sorry I’m not fast enough.
I’m sorry I’m not skilled enough.
I’m sorry I’m not smart enough.
I should’ve died.
In the crash.
I deserve it.
How is it that I have survivor’s guilt when no one died?
Because, deep down inside, I know I don’t deserve to be alive.
And so many people are telling me it’s a sign
That I still belong here
But I can’t.
I can’t take it.
I spend hours awake at night.
Until nothing is left.
Because I’m nothing.
I feel like nothing.
Maybe I should just-
No. That’s not being strong.
I just wish I could genuinely be strong.
Or have someone genuinely care about me.
I’m in love with someone who doesn’t even know.
Or maybe they do.
I don’t hide it.
I don’t even care anymore.
Don’t care about much at all actually
And yet, I do.
I could never kill myself, as much as I wish I could
I’m not strong enough
And I do enjoy things
The problem is that I always find something that I’m bad at
There’s been a lot recently
I push myself, and no results
And isn’t that just the most frustrating?
Emotionally. Long time ago for that one, actually.
It’s been nineteen years wearing a mask.
We’ll see how much longer I’ll last.