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Updated: Thu, 9 Apr 2020 08:26 am

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just trying to get through life

i'm sorry.

Broken It’s a weird feeling. Hating yourself. Always. I try so hard to put on a show Always To all of my friends And my family I need to be strong. I don't want pity I don't want to be a charity case I’ve always been the person people come to for advice And I’ve always been there for all my friends And goddammit, I wish they were there for me I mean they are, in a sense But no one ever seems to truly care I have tons of good memories with them I love them all And yet, no one checks in on me at night Why should they? I’ve always put on a show Always put on a face And I know I would brush it off anyway Because I have to put on a show I can’t let anyone know I’m a mess Broken It shows weakness Weakness doesn’t get you anywhere Being strong does. Being reliable does. Being intelligent does. But it’s hard to be those when you hate yourself. When you despise your reflection Every action Every single mistake, and there’s a lot And how you’re never good enough for anyone And how you were always being told that And came to believe it Because it’s true. I’M TRYING. SO HARD. To be strong and ignore it. But it’s been nineteen years. I don’t know how much longer I can fake it. And to the few that only know parts Of my life Always tell me “Just be you” “You’re so strong” But I’m not. I’m not being me. I’m not strong. I’m weak for letting it get to me. I’ve been clean for over four years Cutting, self-harm Well, physical at least But tonight was the first night I’ve been tempted again I looked in the bathroom mirror For what seemed like hours Trying to tell myself that I’m better than that And it won’t help anything But I’m not too sure anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough. I’m sorry I’m not fast enough. I’m sorry I’m not skilled enough. I’m sorry I’m not smart enough. I should’ve died. In the crash. I deserve it. How is it that I have survivor’s guilt when no one died? Because, deep down inside, I know I don’t deserve to be alive. And so many people are telling me it’s a sign That I still belong here But I can’t. I can’t take it. I spend hours awake at night. Sobbing. Crying. Until nothing is left. Because I’m nothing. I feel like nothing. Empty. Worthless. Maybe I should just- No. That’s not being strong. I just wish I could genuinely be strong. Or have someone genuinely care about me. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t even know. Or maybe they do. I don’t hide it. I don’t even care anymore. Don’t care about much at all actually And yet, I do. I could never kill myself, as much as I wish I could I’m not strong enough And I do enjoy things Like sports And school The problem is that I always find something that I’m bad at There’s been a lot recently I push myself, and no results And isn’t that just the most frustrating? I can’t. I’m done. I’m tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Long time ago for that one, actually. It’s been nineteen years wearing a mask. We’ll see how much longer I’ll last.

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Thu 9th Apr 2020 23:59

Writing will get you through the storms of life, help you see rays of light. ? Write on Mil. Welcome to WOL. ❤️

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