They said when I was younger

Automation would be the thing

The robots would do the heavy lifting

While we could play and sing

But now I’m older and the world is greyer

I dunno who’s at the controls

‘Cause the robots are writing poetry

And I’m still digging holes

Read and leave comments (6)

Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep food on our plate
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans*
And golden carriages of state

Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep us warm and fed
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans
And Tory Warburtons sliced bread**

So, boo to cost of living crisis
Boo to rising staple prices
Hurrah for Charlie and Camilla
Beans on toas...

Read and leave comments (4)

Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
If you support the celebration
Then you can make a small donation

Crowdfund the coronation
But make it so that each donation
Ticks a box to just make sure
You’d rather not give to the poor

Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
Of which we’re told there’s such a dearth
We can’t pay nurses what they’re w...

Read and leave comments (10)

Willy’s at the foodbank
Polishing the brand
Stepping from the Range Rover
With nothing in his hand
Kate is in a pink coat
Willy’s jumper’s green
They’ve brought a photographer
They’re here to be seen

Willy’s at the foodbank
Chatting to the staff
Kate is sorting out the tins
They’re both having a laugh
Like this is all so normal
This whip round for the poor
With his green-jumpered p...

Read and leave comments (6)

Growing pies, is it on trees

Or on stakes like beans and peas

Or hedgerows, just like blackberries

For us to pick whene’er we please

Or do the pies only thrive

In the shade of money trees

I wonder, will the pies survive

The discontent of winter freeze

Maybe we just dig them up

When they have grown sufficient size

And roughly slice and serve them up

With m...

Read and leave comments (5)

Derek’s in the queue

With a bag of whisky miniatures

He’ll need something warm

To get him through the night

He didn’t think his hip flask

Would make it through security

So long as he’s not too pissed

He should be alright

Derek’s in the queue

With a plastic union jack

But flags are not allowed

So he’ll drop it in the street

A patriotic queue

Should have f...

Read and leave comments (8)

She used her wealth and privilege to bring an end to poverty

When George Floyd died she led the nation when they took the knee

She made the toffs stop hunting

The foxes hung out bunting

She even stopped the Tories from shitting in the sea

She used her wealth and privilege to pay the nation’s power bill

And made an NHS fit for a queen if she fell ill

She closed food banks ...

Read and leave comments (7)

He’s thanking the dog and the cat

It’s leaving speech part two or three

The cat ain’t even his

The cat’s still got a key

He’s thanking the dog and the cat

Like the cat could give a fuck

He’s making a list of achievements

He’s making most of it up

He’s thanking the dog and the cat

The cat’s just shrugged it off

It’s his last day in Downing Street

Bye bye, ...

Read and leave comments (0)

Someone please bring me the manager of the working class

Some of them have stopped doing exactly what I asked

And they’re forming picket lines that other people won’t pass

So, someone please bring me the manager of the working class

Someone please bring me the manager of the working class

Richard Madeley on the telly said it was someone called Marx

But when I ask who’s in ch...

Read and leave comments (5)

The King of Lockdown raised a glass

A toast to ghosts of empires past

His gaze steadfast upon the cast

Of gathered acolytes, his class

And scenes they would deny

The grape and grain of government

Authors of instruction meant

For others, never their intent

Without consent of votes once lent

Ever to comply

The King of Lockdown, slovenly

Dismissive of discov...

Read and leave comments (4)

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
Like the one on a plane
And the one on a train
Like getting caught short in the woods in the rain.

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
So politically correct
What did you expect
One or more types from which to select?

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
How very outré
To piss that way
What would the second world war gene...

Read and leave comments (4)

Armchair generals
Firing other people’s bullets
With other people’s sons
Express sympathy
With the refugee
Who would be welcome here
If they weren’t such a risk to national insecurity
And Lincolnshire is full, says Leigh
Even if they’re willing to pick fruit

What has Liz’s dressing-up box
Got for us today?
Fighter pilot? Tank commander?
Recruiter for La Légion étrangère?
She’s unlik...

Read and leave comments (4)

When the cut and thrust of politics is real

When the cut and paste apologies are fake

When facts matter less than what you feel

And truth and lies are given equal weight

When “I get it” and “I’ll fix it” are a sham

When extremists are emboldened by your act

When you genuinely couldn’t give a damn

And your policy does nothing but distract

When you use your privileg...

Read and leave comments (4)

If it’s 5-1 down at half-time
And one minute to midnight,
Then this metaphorical football match
Is not in Glasgow tonight.
It’s in Russia or Malaysia
Or elsewhere in Asia
Or Western Australia.
And now he’s introduced a Bond-style doomsday device
Are you guessing his advice
Is doomed to failure?
Because COP Number One didn’t get it done,
Nor did COP Number Two (’96 in Geneva).
The Kyoto...

Read and leave comments (0)