The Art of Looking Away
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Our ten best hacks
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Suspicious activity
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Are they really unhappy
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How to get an upgrade
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Review and get paid
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The great game
Dead children
It’s always been the same
Dead children
Buy or sell
The burning man crie...
Wednesday 28th February 2024 6:26 pm
Just Another Day at Elbit
There’s a man in a factory in Leicester
Fixing wings onto military drones
He breaks at eleven for coffee
While they bomb Palestinian homes
She smiles as he hands her a cuppa
Looking up from her targeting grids
She likes it when he brings her coffee
While they shoot Palestinian kids
He waits as she blows it cool gently
And wonders if he should just ask her
What is she doing this Frida...
Wednesday 21st February 2024 1:45 pm
Valentine's Day
A Moonpig card
A forecourt bouquet
An inexpensive bottle
From a bin end display
Supermarket chocolates
Hopefully okay
Thorntons, maybe
Or Ferrero Rocher
A desperate poet
With not much to say
The pressure’s on
It’s Valentine’s Day
Wednesday 14th February 2024 5:27 am
Unlucky Street
Phone shop
Vape shop
Chicken shop
Bookies
It used to be so sweet
Now it’s Unlucky Street
High crime
Traffic fine
Sex attacks
And decline
Phone shop
Vape shop
Chicken shop
Bookies
It used to be so sweet
Now it’s Unlucky Street
Fly tipped
Dog shit
County lines
Conflict
High crime
Traffic fine
Sex attacks
And decline
Phone shop
Vape shop
Chicken shop
Bookie...
Saturday 10th February 2024 6:13 pm
Noah
Righteous in his generation
He prays not for the washed away
His brilliant ship built just for him
He curses their decay
This antediluvian patriarch
Looks out just for his own
The animals came in two by two
And Noah drinks alone
https://youtu.be/kcSNnUV-nTA
Monday 5th February 2024 6:05 am
Oi, Ref!
he played the man
not the ball
studs up, hard
worth at least
a yellow card
but he’s wearing
the armband
the grimace of authority
and nothing’s
going to happen at all
raw meat for the masses
and the physio’s on
run it off, son
run it off
he’s just letting you know
the big dog’s on the pitch
and if you get a bite
then you’re doing
...
Tuesday 30th January 2024 6:55 am
Greene King vs St Kitts and Nevis
Much to Catherine and Thomas’ disgust
Ben liked keeping a slave
They thought that abolition was a must
He thought they should just behave
Benjamin liked keeping slaves so much
He purchased his local paper
And ran articles, polemics and such
About how he’d done slaves a favour
They’re much better clothed
And much better housed
And much better fed
The Herald espoused
Than your averag...
Sunday 28th January 2024 3:39 pm
Refugees' Luggage
They came with orders
And transporters
Souls with borders
Who are you we’re moving you
Off you go
Tentative roots in a new community
Ripped out fast with the impunity
Of cruelty to the refugee
Being Party policy
Who are you we’re moving you
Off you go
From one uncaring mean hotel
To the next uncaring mean hotel
No pleased as man with man to dwell
No fond farewell
Who are...
Friday 26th January 2024 7:40 pm
Unambiguous Shoes
He wears flat-fronted trousers
And unambiguous shoes
He wears a watery stare
His sour breath hints of booze
He doesn’t like your poetry
And he wants you to know
He doesn't like your words
Your meter or your flow
With prodding finger, spit-fringed lips
His ire is plain to see
It’s not your prodding rhymes
It’s your ideology
He despairs of modern life
But is disincline...
Sunday 21st January 2024 6:39 pm
The King's Piss
Charlie’s struggling to piss
How did it come to this?
I should be pissing like a king
A king’s piss should be an impressive thing
A porcelain smashing
Splattering, crashing stream
In a magnificent cloud of steam
On these cold mornings
In draughty palaces
Charlie’s struggling to piss
It’s royally hit and miss
I’ve got medals, sashes and brocade
But I’ve got a trickle
When a k...
Thursday 18th January 2024 3:28 pm
Wealthy People
Wealthy people: those with homes
Hairy people: those with combs
Royal people: those with thrones
Nosey people: those with drones
Music people: those with tones
Skinny people: those with bones
Traffic people: those with cones
Talking people: those with phones
Double people: those with clones
Gloomy people: those with moans (and groans)
Electric people: those with ohms
Library people: tho...
Friday 5th January 2024 8:15 pm
The Stalybridge Tornado
It snapped my flagpole like a twig
Our John told the news
And a tree fell on the conservatory
Spoiling all our views
A whirlwind, literally, Kerry said
We couldn’t open our front door
The lampposts were all swaying
I’d never seen that before
A tree came right through Maisie’s roof
Pulled down the bathroom ceiling
The Liberal Democrats demand
The PM calls a COBRA meeting
Chief Sup...
Thursday 28th December 2023 5:37 pm
The Holly King
The leaves fall in his presence
The ground hardens to ice
Shortened are the days
As long become the nights
Until the Oak King rises
When the wheel turns again
And the song of the robin
Is heard over the wren
A time to feast, to come together
To let the flames burn bright
A time to understand
Without the darkness, there’s no light
Since it turns, so he returns
When the oak leaves...
Thursday 21st December 2023 12:29 pm
A Poet's Advice to Themself
Write poetry
The right poetry
You might argue
That you
Wright poetry
Or rite poetry
For the church or the crown
Or right poetry
That you found upside down
But don’t write
Alright poetry
Write poetry
That’s right
Tuesday 19th December 2023 6:18 pm
Meanwhile in Bethlehem
In the Evangelical Christmas Church
Baby Jesus lies in the rubble
In the square, fareless taxi drivers
Form a miserable huddle
In the Church of the Nativity
The grotto is eerily quiet
In Giacaman’s Christmas shop
There’s stock but no one to buy it
In Manger Square, no Christmas tree
As Gaza is brutally trampled
In Bethlehem, in the West Bank
Christmas has been cancelled
Saturday 16th December 2023 5:55 pm
The Chingford Christmas Crusade
There’s a girl on a tinsel-clad donkey
Leading the Christmas Crusade
She sits on a Santa Claus blanket
The donkey looks mighty dismayed
Behind, a man rides a camel
Which really ain’t pleased to be here
Three more dressed like comedy Arabs
They seem full of seasonal cheer
A woman in a tinsel halo
Is she Gabriel in her white sheet?
One of the comedy Arabs
Has posh running shoes on his...
Saturday 16th December 2023 5:03 pm
The First Day of Boris Johnson's Evidence to the Covid-19 Inquiry
The dead can’t hear your apologies
The dead can’t see your sly smile
The dead can’t hear you blaming them
Like some oversized child on trail
The dead can’t see the messages
You accidentally lost
The dead can’t ask you questions
But the dead know just the cost
Of your lackadaisical attitude
Your laissez-faire approach
The meetings you weren’t bothered by
The rules with which you did not ...
Wednesday 6th December 2023 2:18 pm
Marbles
Napoleon wanted to buy them
And if it wasn’t for Elgin’s divorce
The Government might not have acquired them
At half the price, of course.
He told them that he had a firman
Although its veracity’s in doubt,
He said I’m telling you that the Sultan
Said I could take all the marbles out.
He was going to keep them in private
If it wasn’t for his divorce
Byron thought he was a pirate
And the...
Wednesday 29th November 2023 7:45 am
Josef
When the shelling stopped
They came for us
Come out with your hands up
A thousand thoughts a second
Tell them you're a farmer
The prisoners on farms
Seemed to be looked after
If they worked
They took us from Camp Beverlo
To Edingen, Zedelgem
Ostend to Tilbury
Waterloo
The transit camp at Kempton Park
Searches and interrogations
Digging ditches for new homes
Then we built the roa...
Friday 10th November 2023 10:15 am
Put Up Shut Up Britain Part Three
Banning tents
Grabbing arses
The fancies
Of the ruling classes
Who laugh
At Gaza’s epitaph
While the NF march
Past the Cenotaph
Show some respect
Dissent’s forbidden
Welcome
To Put Up Shut Up Britain
Sunday 5th November 2023 9:30 am
David and Goliath
The years in prison were not kind to Goliath
He grew smaller and weaker while David grew strong
His castles kicked over; his crop destroyed before him
It weighed heavy on Goliath how it had all gone so wrong
So, he stood and he shouted at the ranks of Israel
Spoke of the river and the sea, words laden with dread
David called for his sling and selected five stones
He’d set...
Sunday 15th October 2023 9:27 am
A Life of Rhyme
They rhymed them right
They rhymed them wrong
They rhymed in poetry and song
And when they saw things were not fair
They’d rhyme and oft times even swear
They rhymed them left
They rhymed them right
They rhymed them up
They rhymed them down
They rhymed by day
They rhymed by night
They rhymed the flat cap and the crown
Yes, rhymed of princes
Rhymed of kings
And rhymed of more impo...
Tuesday 3rd October 2023 3:21 pm
Nelson
In the kingdom of the blind
A one-eyed man is king
He wears a tricorn hat
And his right arm’s just a sling
They’ll pickle him in brandy
When his last race is run
And he’s shagging Lady Hamilton
In a pub they call The Gun
His pals in the West Indies
Are keen on keeping slaves
That damnable Wilberforce
Our one-eyed hero raves
I’ll fight him with both arm and tongue
The lifestyle he be...
Thursday 31st August 2023 1:39 pm
Politics For People Who Don't Do Politics
There’s politics for people who do politics
And politics for people who don’t do politics,
And the politics for people who don’t do politics
Hides behind the politics for people who do politics
Who say “You all need to understand the politics”
To people who say “It’s all the same, the politics”
While the politics is laughing in their face,
And ripping off their money to give it to their mat...
Tuesday 15th August 2023 12:26 pm
The Bibby Stockholm
Refugees on barges
Jeering little Farages
When Britannia ruled the waves
James Bibby was transporting slaves
Meanwhile humanitarians
Are Nick Ferrari’s enemy
Refugees on prison ships
Suella’s bag of cruel tricks
Singing Rule Britannia
Let’s make you all unhappier
Somewhere there’s a statue
That needs chucking in the sea
Tuesday 8th August 2023 4:48 pm
They All Sent Flowers
They all sent flowers
And the flowers all died
And I understood flowers
For the very first time
A gift of something dying
Gently saying this is normal
We’re all beautiful but fleeting
And this is how it goes
They all sent roses
And the roses all died
Their petals dropping quietly
One at a time
We watched the petals falling
Gently saying this is normal
...Thursday 15th June 2023 9:01 pm
Digging Holes
They said when I was younger
Automation would be the thing
The robots would do the heavy lifting
While we could play and sing
But now I’m older and the world is greyer
I dunno who’s at the controls
‘Cause the robots are writing poetry
And I’m still digging holes
Thursday 18th May 2023 8:21 pm
Kings and Queens
Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep food on our plate
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans*
And golden carriages of state
Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep us warm and fed
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans
And Tory Warburtons sliced bread**
So, boo to cost of living crisis
Boo to rising staple prices
Hurrah for Charlie and Camilla
Beans on toas...
Wednesday 26th April 2023 7:13 am
Crowdfund the Coronation
Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
If you support the celebration
Then you can make a small donation
Crowdfund the coronation
But make it so that each donation
Ticks a box to just make sure
You’d rather not give to the poor
Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
Of which we’re told there’s such a dearth
We can’t pay nurses what they’re w...
Wednesday 19th April 2023 8:47 am
Willy's at the Foodbank
Willy’s at the foodbank
Polishing the brand
Stepping from the Range Rover
With nothing in his hand
Kate is in a pink coat
Willy’s jumper’s green
They’ve brought a photographer
They’re here to be seen
Willy’s at the foodbank
Chatting to the staff
Kate is sorting out the tins
They’re both having a laugh
Like this is all so normal
This whip round for the poor
With his green-jumpered p...
Monday 30th January 2023 4:59 pm
Growing Pies
Growing pies, is it on trees
Or on stakes like beans and peas
Or hedgerows, just like blackberries
For us to pick whene’er we please
Or do the pies only thrive
In the shade of money trees
I wonder, will the pies survive
The discontent of winter freeze
Maybe we just dig them up
When they have grown sufficient size
And roughly slice and serve them up
With m...
Wednesday 5th October 2022 12:15 pm
Derek Joins the Queue
Derek’s in the queue
With a bag of whisky miniatures
He’ll need something warm
To get him through the night
He didn’t think his hip flask
Would make it through security
So long as he’s not too pissed
He should be alright
Derek’s in the queue
With a plastic union jack
But flags are not allowed
So he’ll drop it in the street
A patriotic queue
Should have f...
Monday 19th September 2022 8:28 am
They Sang God Save the Queen
She used her wealth and privilege to bring an end to poverty
When George Floyd died she led the nation when they took the knee
She made the toffs stop hunting
The foxes hung out bunting
She even stopped the Tories from shitting in the sea
She used her wealth and privilege to pay the nation’s power bill
And made an NHS fit for a queen if she fell ill
She closed food banks ...
Saturday 10th September 2022 8:59 am
Spaffer Bids Farewell to Downing Street
He’s thanking the dog and the cat
It’s leaving speech part two or three
The cat ain’t even his
The cat’s still got a key
He’s thanking the dog and the cat
Like the cat could give a fuck
He’s making a list of achievements
He’s making most of it up
He’s thanking the dog and the cat
The cat’s just shrugged it off
It’s his last day in Downing Street
Bye bye, ...
Tuesday 6th September 2022 5:44 pm
I Demand to See the Manager
Someone please bring me the manager of the working class
Some of them have stopped doing exactly what I asked
And they’re forming picket lines that other people won’t pass
So, someone please bring me the manager of the working class
Someone please bring me the manager of the working class
Richard Madeley on the telly said it was someone called Marx
But when I ask who’s in ch...
Thursday 23rd June 2022 7:28 am
The King of Lockdown
The King of Lockdown raised a glass
A toast to ghosts of empires past
His gaze steadfast upon the cast
Of gathered acolytes, his class
And scenes they would deny
The grape and grain of government
Authors of instruction meant
For others, never their intent
Without consent of votes once lent
Ever to comply
The King of Lockdown, slovenly
Dismissive of discov...
Friday 27th May 2022 3:46 pm
Gender Neutral Toilets
There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
Like the one on a plane
And the one on a train
Like getting caught short in the woods in the rain.
There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
So politically correct
What did you expect
One or more types from which to select?
There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
How very outré
To piss that way
What would the second world war gene...
Saturday 21st May 2022 7:29 am
Armchair Generals
Armchair generals
Firing other people’s bullets
With other people’s sons
Express sympathy
With the refugee
Who would be welcome here
If they weren’t such a risk to national insecurity
And Lincolnshire is full, says Leigh
Even if they’re willing to pick fruit
What has Liz’s dressing-up box
Got for us today?
Fighter pilot? Tank commander?
Recruiter for La Légion étrangère?
She’s unlik...
Friday 4th March 2022 10:00 am
Not If
When the cut and thrust of politics is real
When the cut and paste apologies are fake
When facts matter less than what you feel
And truth and lies are given equal weight
When “I get it” and “I’ll fix it” are a sham
When extremists are emboldened by your act
When you genuinely couldn’t give a damn
And your policy does nothing but distract
When you use your privileg...
Thursday 10th February 2022 6:40 pm
COP26: 5-1 Down at Half-Time and One Minute to Midnight
If it’s 5-1 down at half-time
And one minute to midnight,
Then this metaphorical football match
Is not in Glasgow tonight.
It’s in Russia or Malaysia
Or elsewhere in Asia
Or Western Australia.
And now he’s introduced a Bond-style doomsday device
Are you guessing his advice
Is doomed to failure?
Because COP Number One didn’t get it done,
Nor did COP Number Two (’96 in Geneva).
The Kyoto...
Monday 15th November 2021 9:20 am
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