Growing Pies

Growing pies, is it on trees

Or on stakes like beans and peas

Or hedgerows, just like blackberries

For us to pick whene’er we please


Or do the pies only thrive

In the shade of money trees

I wonder, will the pies survive

The discontent of winter freeze


Maybe we just dig them up

When they have grown sufficient size

And roughly slice and serve them up

With m...

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Derek Joins the Queue

Derek’s in the queue

With a bag of whisky miniatures

He’ll need something warm

To get him through the night

He didn’t think his hip flask

Would make it through security

So long as he’s not too pissed

He should be alright


Derek’s in the queue

With a plastic union jack

But flags are not allowed

So he’ll drop it in the street

A patriotic queue

Should have f...

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They Sang God Save the Queen

She used her wealth and privilege to bring an end to poverty

When George Floyd died she led the nation when they took the knee

She made the toffs stop hunting

The foxes hung out bunting

She even stopped the Tories from shitting in the sea


She used her wealth and privilege to pay the nation’s power bill

And made an NHS fit for a queen if she fell ill

She closed food banks ...

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Spaffer Bids Farewell to Downing Street

He’s thanking the dog and the cat

It’s leaving speech part two or three

The cat ain’t even his

The cat’s still got a key


He’s thanking the dog and the cat

Like the cat could give a fuck

He’s making a list of achievements

He’s making most of it up


He’s thanking the dog and the cat

The cat’s just shrugged it off

It’s his last day in Downing Street

Bye bye, ...

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I Demand to See the Manager

Someone please bring me the manager of the working class

Some of them have stopped doing exactly what I asked

And they’re forming picket lines that other people won’t pass

So, someone please bring me the manager of the working class


Someone please bring me the manager of the working class

Richard Madeley on the telly said it was someone called Marx

But when I ask who’s in ch...

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rail strikesRMTpolitics

The King of Lockdown

The King of Lockdown raised a glass

A toast to ghosts of empires past

His gaze steadfast upon the cast

Of gathered acolytes, his class

And scenes they would deny


The grape and grain of government

Authors of instruction meant

For others, never their intent

Without consent of votes once lent

Ever to comply


The King of Lockdown, slovenly

Dismissive of discov...

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Gender Neutral Toilets

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
Like the one on a plane
And the one on a train
Like getting caught short in the woods in the rain.

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
So politically correct
What did you expect
One or more types from which to select?

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
How very outré
To piss that way
What would the second world war gene...

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Armchair Generals

Armchair generals
Firing other people’s bullets
With other people’s sons
Express sympathy
With the refugee
Who would be welcome here
If they weren’t such a risk to national insecurity
And Lincolnshire is full, says Leigh
Even if they’re willing to pick fruit

What has Liz’s dressing-up box
Got for us today?
Fighter pilot? Tank commander?
Recruiter for La Légion étrangère?
She’s unlik...

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Not If

When the cut and thrust of politics is real

When the cut and paste apologies are fake

When facts matter less than what you feel

And truth and lies are given equal weight


When “I get it” and “I’ll fix it” are a sham

When extremists are emboldened by your act

When you genuinely couldn’t give a damn

And your policy does nothing but distract


When you use your privileg...

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politicsboris johnson

COP26: 5-1 Down at Half-Time and One Minute to Midnight

If it’s 5-1 down at half-time
And one minute to midnight,
Then this metaphorical football match
Is not in Glasgow tonight.
It’s in Russia or Malaysia
Or elsewhere in Asia
Or Western Australia.
And now he’s introduced a Bond-style doomsday device
Are you guessing his advice
Is doomed to failure?
Because COP Number One didn’t get it done,
Nor did COP Number Two (’96 in Geneva).
The Kyoto...

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