Fake-tanned and pre-loaded

Dad dropped us off in town

saying 'have a great night girls,

don't let yourselves down'

But we ended up proper squidgy

after too many drinkipoos

and staggered to the taxi rank

carrying our shoes

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The enormous boil on the end of Jim’s nose

turned out not be be a boil at all

but an embedded Martian battle cruiser

which out of control and in free-fall

crash landed by chance on Jim's schnoozer

Most people expected that Martians

would be the same size as humans but with antennae

The Martians assumed as a rough guide

that humans would be the same size as them

abo...

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Rottweilers cowered in corners

Grown men quivered in fright

Mothers protected their children

When Ronnie went out on his bike

Motorists swerved to avoid him

Or drove on the opposite side

Buses remained in their depot

When Ronnie was out his bike

People out feeding the pigeons

Ended up covered in shite

As they took to the air in a panic

When Ronnie flew pa...

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My girlfriend and my girlfriend's mate

live in a flat on a council estate

They couldn't get one in the usual way

so they lied to the council and said they were gay

I threatened to report them as it goes against the grain

but since the threesomes started my attitude's changed

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Whilst acting the fool

I accidently pushed my wife in the hotel pool

I immediately apologised and tried to explain

but she wouldn't listen and said I was effing cruel

an effing dickhead and an effing pain

which annoyed me a bit so when she climbed out

I pushed her in again

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She gets on her lounger at 9

and doesn't get off till 5

Sometimes I have to prod her

to check that she's still alive!

But suppose she did stop breathing...

what would I do if she's dead?

Would I rush out to re-marry

or just get a parrot instead?

Let's face it, they don't eat as much

they're less of a pain

and they go half price when you travel by train

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No-one looked less scarier

than Gerhardt from Bavaria

sitting quietly pondering his feet.

As he thought about his life

with Hildegard his wife

it was hard to think of anyone more meek.

Dressed in his lederhosen

he denied that he had chosen

to administer the use of Zyklon B

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Into the Nevada desert they drove

Those ladies of a certain age

With perfect teeth and perfect hair

When perfect teeth and hair were all the rage

Agog to see the legend live again

Devoted fans, the story seemed endless

But every story has an ending

and this one ended in Memphis

Comatose in Graceland

Bloated and friendless

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Yesterday's quiz was odd

The Quizmaster was odder

He used us as cannon fodder

Each question had multiple answers

We didn’t stand a chance

We didn’t give a monkey's

We were just like junkies

As our eyes glazed over

And every intelligent guess

Was promptly ignored by our Skip

Who was gradually losing his grip

We searched for inspiration

And when we had no more to ...

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Goldfish steal the show

bagged up and ready to go

Ducks all in a row

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Train leaves Brighton at 7.03 

Diddley dum diddley dee 

Diddley dum diddley dee

Fifty get on at Burgess Hill

Diddley dee diddley dum

Have to stand, not enough seats

Diddley dum diddley dee   

Diddley dum diddley dee

More pack on at Haywards Heath

Diddley dum diddley dum 

Diddley dum diddley dee

Train chock-a-block, no buffet car

Diddley dum d...

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My sister detests getting wet

so she doesn't go out in the rain

She's afraid there's a chance she'll dissolve

and trickle away down the drain

So she hunkers down in her house

guaranteed to stay warm and dry

and won't put a foot outside

if she spots just one cloud in the sky

But unable to use her car

whilst awaiting a fanbelt today

she ventured out in the rai...

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He lives a solitary existence

with his music and books

avoiding contact with others

He has no friends or lovers

His family try to involve him

thinking they're doing him a favour

but his first reaction is to say no

He's not a team player

He takes no responsibility

for anyone or anything

Not getting involved

means not getting hurt

Ensconced in his man cave

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We were up on the hills

She had gone very quiet

I instinctively knew that the time was right

I kissed her with passion as a lover might

I took off my shirt

Her nostrils flared

I ran my fingers through her golden hair

We gently made love in the open air

The encounter was brief

with minimal foreplay

I spoke to her softly; she had little to say

She bleated o...

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My son and his partner are magnets

My daughter and husband are dinks

My wife and I enjoy skiing

and don't care what anyone thinks

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It's ten years since God's non-existence was proved beyond all doubt... 

A million people killed themselves in the first week

when they realised there was no inheritance for the meek

Every place of worship has turned out the lights

Members of the clergy have grandfather rights

There are no more good fights to be fought

The Pope's a concierge at Vatican City Resort

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They hit the hospitals, they shell the shops

and blast the residential blocks.

They raze the cities to the ground

and then they bomb the ruins,

and when there's nothing left to bomb

they carpet bomb the truth

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