No-one looked less scarier

than Gerhardt from Bavaria

sitting quietly pondering his feet.

As he thought about his life

with Hildegard his wife

it was hard to think of anyone more meek.

Dressed in his lederhosen

he denied that he had chosen

to administer the use of Zyklon B

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The sophomore sky was almond red

as he lay unblinking in an unmade bed

proving the doctor wrong who said

he's recovering well when he was in fact dead

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He has the title of Team Leader             

but he's that only in name

his team have no respect for him

and he's paid exactly the same

The hoped for promotion didn't come

he was turned down yet again

he thought he had a good chance

but he wasn't in the frame

His hopes have been dashed

his career's going down the drain

he's low in the pecking order

botto...

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The vicar did all the talking

the rest of us just listened

and watched the pictures sliding by

I didn't know all the mourners' names

only Paula's who played her part superbly

sliding silently into the flames

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A friend of mine on holiday in Florida took part in the hotel's ping pong competition :

By now he'll have won some cup or other

lost count of opponents he's beaten

and the corn dogs he's eaten

He'll be posing poolside

lording it over the locals

acting like the Great Almighty

and not giving a thought for his mates

freezing our bollocks off

back here in Blighty

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Sometimes on a Wednesday 

if I'm not doing very much

I go out on my bicycle

and pretend that I am Dutch

I say that I'm Pieter van Basten

and I know this has to be true

because only just last Wednesday

I was Pieter van Basten too

It's nice to pretend to be someone else

for just the occasional day

It helps relieve the boredom

and keeps the stress at bay

...

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There are hardly any hills in Holland

in fact it's as flat as a pancake

so it's no feat to ride a fiets

(a sit-up-and-beg with back-pedal brake)

That's why everybody there rides a bike

except for the boy with his finger in the dike

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He was fifteen

she thirty four

but that did not matter

as they went up together

onto Heptonstall Moor

He the pupil

he that she taught

each day in school

and that Sunday morning

on Heptonstall Moor

He a child

in the eyes of the law

she made him a man

in those erotic few hours

on Heptonstall Moor

She was voracious

demanding much more

...

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Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill

took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.

But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking

didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in,

four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.

Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.

Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...

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My wife has taken up knitting

so far she's done thirteen scarves

each of them fifteen feet long

she doesn't do things by halves

Perhaps she could try something different

now that the weather is chilly

and what I would find really useful

is a warmer to pop on my willy

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A lone jogger ran through our silence today

presumably to cause some sort of outrage

but for obvious reasons no-one said a word

and the intended outrage went unheard

But we were acutely aware that he was free to do what he did

at the eleventh hour on the eleventh of November

because of the service given and sacrifices made

by the silent dead we were there to remember

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He had no face, he had no name

He used his silver bullets

to shoot you down in flames

I was Tonto to his Kemo Sabe

We were friends; I was a fan

When he rode off into the sunset

I was left to ask...who was he?

Who was that masked man?

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Fake-tanned and pre-loaded

Dad dropped us off in town

saying 'have a great night girls,

don't let yourselves down'

But we ended up proper squidgy

after too many drinkipoos

and staggered to the taxi rank

carrying our shoes

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The enormous boil on the end of Jim’s nose

turned out not be be a boil at all

but an embedded Martian battle cruiser

which out of control and in free-fall

crash landed by chance on Jim's schnoozer

Most people expected that Martians

would be the same size as humans but with antennae

The Martians assumed as a rough guide

that humans would be the same size as them

abo...

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Rottweilers cowered in corners

Grown men quivered in fright

Mothers protected their children

When Ronnie went out on his bike

Motorists swerved to avoid him

Or drove on the opposite side

Buses remained in their depot

When Ronnie was out his bike

People out feeding the pigeons

Ended up covered in shite

As they took to the air in a panic

When Ronnie flew pa...

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My girlfriend and my girlfriend's mate

live in a flat on a council estate

They couldn't get one in the usual way

so they lied to the council and said they were gay

I threatened to report them as it goes against the grain

but since the threesomes started my attitude's changed

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Whilst acting the fool

I accidently pushed my wife in the hotel pool

I immediately apologised and tried to explain

but she wouldn't listen and said I was effing cruel

an effing dickhead and an effing pain

which annoyed me a bit so when she climbed out

I pushed her in again

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She gets on her lounger at 9

and doesn't get off till 5

Sometimes I have to prod her

to check that she's still alive!

But suppose she did stop breathing...

what would I do if she's dead?

Would I rush out to re-marry

or just get a parrot instead?

Let's face it, they don't eat as much

they're less of a pain

and they go half price when you travel by train

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No-one looked less scarier

than Gerhardt from Bavaria

sitting quietly pondering his feet.

As he thought about his life

with Hildegard his wife

it was hard to think of anyone more meek.

Dressed in his lederhosen

he denied that he had chosen

to administer the use of Zyklon B

Read and leave comments (0)

Into the Nevada desert they drove

Those ladies of a certain age

With perfect teeth and perfect hair

When perfect teeth and hair were all the rage

Agog to see the legend live again

Devoted fans, the story seemed endless

But every story has an ending

and this one ended in Memphis

Comatose in Graceland

Bloated and friendless

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Yesterday's quiz was odd

The Quizmaster was odder

He used us as cannon fodder

Each question had multiple answers

We didn’t stand a chance

We didn’t give a monkey's

We were just like junkies

As our eyes glazed over

And every intelligent guess

Was promptly ignored by our Skip

Who was gradually losing his grip

We searched for inspiration

And when we had no more to ...

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Goldfish steal the show

bagged up and ready to go

Ducks all in a row

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Train leaves Brighton at 7.03 

Diddley dum diddley dee 

Diddley dum diddley dee

Fifty get on at Burgess Hill

Diddley dee diddley dum

Have to stand, not enough seats

Diddley dum diddley dee   

Diddley dum diddley dee

More pack on at Haywards Heath

Diddley dum diddley dum 

Diddley dum diddley dee

Train chock-a-block, no buffet car

Diddley dum d...

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My sister detests getting wet

so she doesn't go out in the rain

She's afraid there's a chance she'll dissolve

and trickle away down the drain

So she hunkers down in her house

guaranteed to stay warm and dry

and won't put a foot outside

if she spots just one cloud in the sky

But unable to use her car

whilst awaiting a fanbelt today

she ventured out in the rai...

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He lives a solitary existence

with his music and books

avoiding contact with others

He has no friends or lovers

His family try to involve him

thinking they're doing him a favour

but his first reaction is to say no

He's not a team player

He takes no responsibility

for anyone or anything

Not getting involved

means not getting hurt

Ensconced in his man cave

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We were up on the hills

She had gone very quiet

I instinctively knew that the time was right

I kissed her with passion as a lover might

I took off my shirt

Her nostrils flared

I ran my fingers through her golden hair

We gently made love in the open air

The encounter was brief

with minimal foreplay

I spoke to her softly; she had little to say

She bleated o...

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My son and his partner are magnets

My daughter and husband are dinks

My wife and I enjoy skiing

and don't care what anyone thinks

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It's ten years since God's non-existence was proved beyond all doubt... 

A million people killed themselves in the first week

when they realised there was no inheritance for the meek

Every place of worship has turned out the lights

Members of the clergy have grandfather rights

There are no more good fights to be fought

The Pope's a concierge at Vatican City Resort

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They hit the hospitals, they shell the shops

and blast the residential blocks.

They raze the cities to the ground

and then they bomb the ruins,

and when there's nothing left to bomb

they carpet bomb the truth

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