HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL DAY : On Trial, In Denial
No-one looked less scarier
than Gerhardt from Bavaria
sitting quietly pondering his feet.
As he thought about his life
with Hildegard his wife
it was hard to think of anyone more meek.
Dressed in his lederhosen
he denied that he had chosen
to administer the use of Zyklon B
Thursday 26th January 2023 10:30 pm
Mis-diagnosis
The sophomore sky was almond red
as he lay unblinking in an unmade bed
proving the doctor wrong who said
he's recovering well when he was in fact dead
Wednesday 18th January 2023 6:59 pm
Lacking Motivation
He has the title of Team Leader
but he's that only in name
his team have no respect for him
and he's paid exactly the same
The hoped for promotion didn't come
he was turned down yet again
he thought he had a good chance
but he wasn't in the frame
His hopes have been dashed
his career's going down the drain
he's low in the pecking order
botto...
Monday 16th January 2023 8:40 am
Paula's Cremation
The vicar did all the talking
the rest of us just listened
and watched the pictures sliding by
I didn't know all the mourners' names
only Paula's who played her part superbly
sliding silently into the flames
Tuesday 3rd January 2023 3:00 pm
PING PONG STATESIDE
A friend of mine on holiday in Florida took part in the hotel's ping pong competition :
By now he'll have won some cup or other
lost count of opponents he's beaten
and the corn dogs he's eaten
He'll be posing poolside
lording it over the locals
acting like the Great Almighty
and not giving a thought for his mates
freezing our bollocks off
back here in Blighty
...Wednesday 21st December 2022 7:38 am
Changing Our Colours
Sometimes on a Wednesday
if I'm not doing very much
I go out on my bicycle
and pretend that I am Dutch
I say that I'm Pieter van Basten
and I know this has to be true
because only just last Wednesday
I was Pieter van Basten too
It's nice to pretend to be someone else
for just the occasional day
It helps relieve the boredom
and keeps the stress at bay
...
Tuesday 13th December 2022 7:58 am
Fietsers
There are hardly any hills in Holland
in fact it's as flat as a pancake
so it's no feat to ride a fiets
(a sit-up-and-beg with back-pedal brake)
That's why everybody there rides a bike
except for the boy with his finger in the dike
Tuesday 6th December 2022 8:44 pm
ON HEPTONSTALL MOOR
He was fifteen
she thirty four
but that did not matter
as they went up together
onto Heptonstall Moor
He the pupil
he that she taught
each day in school
and that Sunday morning
on Heptonstall Moor
He a child
in the eyes of the law
she made him a man
in those erotic few hours
on Heptonstall Moor
She was voracious
demanding much more
...
Thursday 1st December 2022 10:48 pm
Jack & Jill
Jack, being a responsible lad, before going up the hill
took Jill to the clinic and put her on the pill.
But Jill, being a devious girl with her body clock ticking
didn't take the pill before she let him put his dick in,
four months down the line she felt the baby kicking.
Jack went mad and said you've ruined my bloody life.
Jill said you can fuck right off I'm not your...
Tuesday 22nd November 2022 11:17 pm
Keeping It Warm
My wife has taken up knitting
so far she's done thirteen scarves
each of them fifteen feet long
she doesn't do things by halves
Perhaps she could try something different
now that the weather is chilly
and what I would find really useful
is a warmer to pop on my willy
Friday 18th November 2022 7:45 am
Running Through the Silence
A lone jogger ran through our silence today
presumably to cause some sort of outrage
but for obvious reasons no-one said a word
and the intended outrage went unheard
But we were acutely aware that he was free to do what he did
at the eleventh hour on the eleventh of November
because of the service given and sacrifices made
by the silent dead we were there to remember
...Sunday 13th November 2022 11:02 pm
Kemo Sabe
He had no face, he had no name
He used his silver bullets
to shoot you down in flames
I was Tonto to his Kemo Sabe
We were friends; I was a fan
When he rode off into the sunset
I was left to ask...who was he?
Who was that masked man?
Sunday 23rd October 2022 10:21 pm
Girls Night Out
Fake-tanned and pre-loaded
Dad dropped us off in town
saying 'have a great night girls,
don't let yourselves down'
But we ended up proper squidgy
after too many drinkipoos
and staggered to the taxi rank
carrying our shoes
Wednesday 14th September 2022 7:46 am
Martian Landing
The enormous boil on the end of Jim’s nose
turned out not be be a boil at all
but an embedded Martian battle cruiser
which out of control and in free-fall
crash landed by chance on Jim's schnoozer
Most people expected that Martians
would be the same size as humans but with antennae
The Martians assumed as a rough guide
that humans would be the same size as them
abo...
Thursday 1st September 2022 7:44 am
Ronnie's Bike Ride
Rottweilers cowered in corners
Grown men quivered in fright
Mothers protected their children
When Ronnie went out on his bike
Motorists swerved to avoid him
Or drove on the opposite side
Buses remained in their depot
When Ronnie was out his bike
People out feeding the pigeons
Ended up covered in shite
As they took to the air in a panic
When Ronnie flew pa...
Tuesday 30th August 2022 10:28 pm
Council Flat in Haringey
My girlfriend and my girlfriend's mate
live in a flat on a council estate
They couldn't get one in the usual way
so they lied to the council and said they were gay
I threatened to report them as it goes against the grain
but since the threesomes started my attitude's changed
Thursday 11th August 2022 11:27 pm
Mrs RG's Holiday continued
Whilst acting the fool
I accidently pushed my wife in the hotel pool
I immediately apologised and tried to explain
but she wouldn't listen and said I was effing cruel
an effing dickhead and an effing pain
which annoyed me a bit so when she climbed out
I pushed her in again
Sunday 31st July 2022 7:28 am
Mrs RG's Holiday
She gets on her lounger at 9
and doesn't get off till 5
Sometimes I have to prod her
to check that she's still alive!
But suppose she did stop breathing...
what would I do if she's dead?
Would I rush out to re-marry
or just get a parrot instead?
Let's face it, they don't eat as much
they're less of a pain
and they go half price when you travel by train
Wednesday 27th July 2022 6:20 am
ON TRIAL, IN DENIAL
No-one looked less scarier
than Gerhardt from Bavaria
sitting quietly pondering his feet.
As he thought about his life
with Hildegard his wife
it was hard to think of anyone more meek.
Dressed in his lederhosen
he denied that he had chosen
to administer the use of Zyklon B
Thursday 21st July 2022 8:25 pm
On Seeing ELVIS
Into the Nevada desert they drove
Those ladies of a certain age
With perfect teeth and perfect hair
When perfect teeth and hair were all the rage
Agog to see the legend live again
Devoted fans, the story seemed endless
But every story has an ending
and this one ended in Memphis
Comatose in Graceland
Bloated and friendless
Thursday 14th July 2022 10:52 pm
Last Night's Quiz
Yesterday's quiz was odd
The Quizmaster was odder
He used us as cannon fodder
Each question had multiple answers
We didn’t stand a chance
We didn’t give a monkey's
We were just like junkies
As our eyes glazed over
And every intelligent guess
Was promptly ignored by our Skip
Who was gradually losing his grip
We searched for inspiration
And when we had no more to ...
Friday 8th July 2022 6:48 pm
Trains : Business As Usual
Train leaves Brighton at 7.03
Diddley dum diddley dee
Diddley dum diddley dee
Fifty get on at Burgess Hill
Diddley dee diddley dum
Have to stand, not enough seats
Diddley dum diddley dee
Diddley dum diddley dee
More pack on at Haywards Heath
Diddley dum diddley dum
Diddley dum diddley dee
Train chock-a-block, no buffet car
Diddley dum d...
Sunday 26th June 2022 11:20 pm
Afraid of the Rain
My sister detests getting wet
so she doesn't go out in the rain
She's afraid there's a chance she'll dissolve
and trickle away down the drain
So she hunkers down in her house
guaranteed to stay warm and dry
and won't put a foot outside
if she spots just one cloud in the sky
But unable to use her car
whilst awaiting a fanbelt today
she ventured out in the rai...
Saturday 18th June 2022 1:16 pm
Touching No-one and No-one Touches Him
He lives a solitary existence
with his music and books
avoiding contact with others
He has no friends or lovers
His family try to involve him
thinking they're doing him a favour
but his first reaction is to say no
He's not a team player
He takes no responsibility
for anyone or anything
Not getting involved
means not getting hurt
Ensconced in his man cave
...Wednesday 8th June 2022 2:48 pm
Our First Time
We were up on the hills
She had gone very quiet
I instinctively knew that the time was right
I kissed her with passion as a lover might
I took off my shirt
Her nostrils flared
I ran my fingers through her golden hair
We gently made love in the open air
The encounter was brief
with minimal foreplay
I spoke to her softly; she had little to say
She bleated o...
Thursday 2nd June 2022 11:05 pm
FAMILY ACRONYMS
My son and his partner are magnets
My daughter and husband are dinks
My wife and I enjoy skiing
and don't care what anyone thinks
Thursday 26th May 2022 8:33 am
GODLESS DAY 2129
It's ten years since God's non-existence was proved beyond all doubt...
A million people killed themselves in the first week
when they realised there was no inheritance for the meek
Every place of worship has turned out the lights
Members of the clergy have grandfather rights
There are no more good fights to be fought
The Pope's a concierge at Vatican City Resort
...Thursday 19th May 2022 11:03 pm
Special Military Operation : Strategy
They hit the hospitals, they shell the shops
and blast the residential blocks.
They raze the cities to the ground
and then they bomb the ruins,
and when there's nothing left to bomb
they carpet bomb the truth
Monday 21st March 2022 4:09 pm
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