GREEN

First date.

Instant spark.

Called you

obscenity as

term endearment.

‘Don’t shag,

first date’,

you said.

You let

that kiss

turn snog

linger linger

longer than

any shag

I’d had.

Invite you

to my

shows. You

come. I

act dumb

around you.

Like you

just some

bloke I

know. All

I wanted

was you.

Everybody el...

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‘A right piece of work’, so the story goes

that’s what Mum said or the truth she chose

about Mrs Jeffreys of Tunbridge Wells 

Mum’s great aunty, her Aunty Rose

Despite her rather dowdy clothes

and crooked teeth and her wonky nose

My great great aunty, Aunty Rose

looked rather sweet in old photos

Like parents, both tight so and so’s

My great great aunty, A...

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You text me

and I’m back

in my twenties.

Seems like now,

you and me,

far from done.

It’s as if

last twenty years

did not happen.

I want to

send you back

‘I miss you’.

I then remember

and I'm back

in the fire.

I would text,

you would only

reply when drunk.

I should reply:

‘NUMBER NOT AVAILABLE.

Fuck right off'...

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Don’t lock yourself!

Don’t lock yourself!

Don’t lock yourself!

Don’t lock yourself!

The lock is broken!

Don’t mock yourself!

Don’t knock yourself!

Shake up yourself!

Wake up yourself!

Wake the unwoken!

Don’t lock yourself!

Unblock yourself!

Unlock yourself

and shock yourself!

Speak,be outspoken!

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JEREMY HUNT

MY DATE IS OUT THE FRONT

MY DATE IS OUT THE FRONT

I’M GONNA TAKE A PUNT

I’M GONNA TAKE A PUNT

I’M GONNA TAKE A PUNT

I’M GONNA TAKE A PUNT

CALL HIM RIGHT JEREMY HUNT

CALL HIM RIGHT JEREMY HUNT

CALLED HIM A JEREMY HUNT

CALLED HIM A JEREMY HUNT

WAS OUR DATE UP THE SHUNT?

WAS OUR DATE UP THE SHUNT?

WAS OUR DATE UP THE SHUNT?

WAS...

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BEAST

There’s a beast in me, it’s lurking

It don’t make any sense

He comes out when I least expect it

He’s watching through the fence

The beast brings out this side of me

that likes to cause offence

I tried to beat him out of me

but the beast is too intense

There’s a beast in me, he’s lurking

His beat is so immense

Tried hard to make amens with him

but can...

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For the unreciprocated,

the obsessive,

the infatuated,

and the envious,

a late night lament for the reckless homosexual.

Only in the calm of the night

and the quiet of an alone bed

at midnight, can I write this

only now, twenty years on.

Only under flickering screen

in the cold light of night, with memories for company,

now I see it, plain as day.

...

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Sign spotted on Pizza Express men's toilet cubicle outside door, then wrote poem. 'Wock' comes from Lean, a polysubstance drink used as recreational drug. Other names include "sizzurp", "wock", "Texas tea", "mud", "dirty Sprite".

Don’t lock yourself!

Don’t lock yourself!

Don’t lock yourself!

Don’t lock yourself!

The lock is broken!

Don’t lock yourself!

Don’t lock yourself...

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Dear Lee Campbell, you care to write

‘Your poem sent is sheer delight’

You list the things you say you like

then reject it, you say polite

as my poem is not quite ‘right’

for your journal, which if i might

reply to you and say despite

me wanting take you out for fight

I say ‘Thank you’, like I’m Snow White

Dear editor, you’re talking shite

F*ck off you tw*t, get ...

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Sunflowers perfume, eau de toilette

Mum’s favourite by Elizabeth Arden

When I catch its scent, the memory I get

is embarrassment in my mate’s garden

In the Eighties, we both lived in rural Kent,

just outside the village of Marden

I once caught him gardening in the nude,

my good mate Gary Barden

Little seeds in me had been sewn by he

I said ‘Ooh, I beg your pardon’

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https://youtu.be/g145nQ41VOs

Sun in my eyes

Warmth on my face

It’s a surprisingly warm day for March

I’m on the beach at Clacton

Mum is on a cruise around the Med with Aunty Jan

They are on the top deck

sipping Malibu and coke

Topping up their tan

Sun in their eyes

That’s what I tell myself

Every time I get the sun in my eyes

I think of Mum

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C.U.T.E is YOU!

SEXY GESICHT HAST DU! 

Eins, zwei, Polizei!

Sechs!, funf!, vier!, drei!

I spy my eye

Cute German guy 

Eins, zwei, Konditorei!

Cute Cologne guy

I can’t deny 

look in my eye 

Eins, zwei, Spiegelei!

Spy Spandau guy

Makes me feel high 

as kite in sky

C.U.T.E is YOU!

SEXY KÖRPER HAST DU! 

Eins, zwei, Abgabenfrei!

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https://youtu.be/hTY2RCGZp40

Dear Rufus (the dog), 

Da Vinci drew the body to help him understand

I too have learnt about you using pencils in my hand

Four years since I first drew you

Many lessons been learned

Drawing helps overcome my dog fear

The tables have turned

It’s okay Rufus you can have them, you can take all my chips

And my pizza, take it all, c...

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Carol

‘Smeddle, Smith and Smyth. Carol speaking, how can I help you today?’

Dad

‘Yes,  Mr Campbell speaking.  Is that the solicitors?’, said Dad,

‘I’m enquiring about the power of ….

er… that thing you know when we all go a bit doolally up above

I’d like my son to make decisions on my behalf for him to have, he wrote it down for me

Ah, yes, I’d like to enquire about my son ...

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WINSTON CHURCHILL’S  PROSTATE

Mum worked as a legal secretary and known throughout the land

for her impressive skills  in the art of SHWPM

That’s the rate of words per minute you can write shorthand 

As a child I’d find Mum’s notes around the home wrote in way I could not understand 

All squiggles and doodles and funny letters weirdly written full stops and ampersand 

S...

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https://youtu.be/-aFDhomDI40

You tried to get me cancelled

‘cause I associate

You tried to get me cancelled

with folk you claim to hate

You tried to get me cancelled

You tried to seal my fate

You tried to get me cancelled

I remember the date

You tried to get me cancelled

October twenty eight

You tried to get me cancelled

Whilst mum was in a state

You tried to...

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https://youtu.be/wHKWfFYxAoE

Sun in my eyes

Warmth on my face

It’s a surprisingly warm day for March

I’m on the beach at Clacton

Mum is on a cruise around the Med with Aunty Jan

They are on the top deck

sipping Malibu and coke

Topping up their tan

Sun in their eyes

That’s what I tell myself

Every time I get the sun in my eyes

I think of Mum

Fro...

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Sun in my eyes 

Warmth on my face 

It’s a surprisingly warm day for March

I’m on the beach at Clacton 

Mum is on a cruise around the Med with Aunty Jan

They are on the top deck 

sipping Malibu and coke 

Topping up their tan 

Sun in their eyes 

That’s what I tell myself

Everytime I get the sun in my eyes

I think of Mum

From that photo of her

before s...

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https://youtu.be/lWz2ru4AGII

It’s early Summer

Dad is out the back again

Gardening in between cricket from the Ashes

If it’s not football, it’s the cricket

He’s digging a hole to plant a bush

Not digging where squirrels stash their Winter food

It’s now mid-Winter

Dad is out the back again

Squirrels feast on nuts and berries 

He’s digging a hole to bury ashes

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https://youtu.be/moEx8wdf80Q

It’s early Summer 

Dad is out the back again

Gardening in between cricket from the Ashes

If it’s not football, it’s the cricket

He’s digging a hole to plant a bush

Not digging where squirrels stash their Winter food

It’s now mid Winter 

Dad is out the back again 

Squirrels feast on nuts and berries  

He’s digging a hole to bury ashes 

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https://youtu.be/AegG6yElMko

World turned dark, stopped her heart

Parent pending, sudden ending

Stopped her heart, fell apart

Sudden ending, life upending

Fell apart, blown apart

Life upending, time suspending

Blown apart, ripped apart

Time suspending, no pretending

Ripped apart, so damn hard

No pretending, uncomprehending

So damn hard, this end can mark

Un...

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https://youtu.be/t92lrUC5lUk

USED TO BE  

Used to be slim

Used to be trim

Used to get ‘Wouldn’t mind getting with him!’

Used to be star

in the gay bar

Used to get ‘Ooh, how handsome you are’

Used to take mates

Out on some dates

Bar taken now over by straights

Used to be fit

Work out a bit

Used to get ‘Look at the bottom on it!’

Used to be young...

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proper

proper job

proper nob

proper mint

proper skint

proper bent

proper meant

proper rude

proper chewed

proper slim

proper Jim

proper mate

proper gate

proper bloke

proper woke

proper full

proper cool

proper less

proper guess

proper half

proper laugh

proper script

proper flipped

proper porn

proper gone

proper ...

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https://youtu.be/CRRkI2QZaPQ

If you can’t find what you’re looking for

If you can’t find what you’re looking for

If you can’t find what you’re looking for

Why don’t you look in the fridge?  

If you can’t find the cheese that you’re looking for

If you can’t find the keys that you’re looking for

Or the birds and the bees that you’re looking for

Listen please, look ...

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https://youtu.be/RBtG8fBmjrI

If you can’t find what you’re looking for

If you can’t find what you’re looking for

If you can’t find what you’re looking for

Why don’t you look in the fridge?

If you can’t find the cheese that you’re looking for

If you can’t find the keys that you’re looking for

Or the birds and the bees that you’re looking for

Listen please, look in ...

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https://youtu.be/t6ugaGR59zs

An opportunity, school bullies never missed

An ingenuity, of rhyme they couldn’t resist

See Martin hadn’t he, slept with a girl or kissed

by time he in Year 3, were boys on Martin’s list

‘Oi! Martin Grist with your limp wrist!’

‘Oi! Martin Grist with your limp wrist!’

Like Martin Grist with his limp wrist, me too I liked a man

Out of u...

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https://youtu.be/vfzTa5iLSso

To finger is a verb, but I’ve never liked the noun

They pushed me to the curb on primary school playground

They never made a noise, they never made a sound

Those 1980s boys would tease me with  their finger

TRIGGER, TRIGGER FINGER 

PULL THE TRIGGER FINGER

It wasn’t what they say, that used to make me frown

I used to hate the way,  ...

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Oh God, I hate these station stairs

Anticipate my mind despairs

Commuters looking everywheres

Like I’m the weight of fifty bears

Go down with mates in twos and pairs

Push past the mums with their pushchairs

Or overtake me if you dares

Exaggerate but so unfairs

They escalate all kind of glares

Downstairs I go and want to swears

Tip toe and slow but still what flare...

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Himbo himbo, do you know the lingo?

Gay man slang for gay male bimbo

Himbo himbo, have you got the lingo"

His name’s James but he’s ‘Himbo Jimbo’

Himbo Jimbo whilst he’s reading Rimbaud

trying to look smart with his legs apart akimbo

Himbo Jimbo, so you’re not in limbo

Shiny decorations looking shit just after Chrimbo

Himbo Jimbo, name’s got quite a ringo

Say...

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You gave me an STD

So said the nurse in the pharmacy

You gave me an STD

Her proctoscope up inside of me

You gave me an STD

Sitting on the throne like His Majesty

You gave me an STD

So said the bloke on the BBC

You gave me an STD

Sitting on your throne on your lavatory

You gave me an STD

Sitting out the back on your balcony

You gave me an STD

So s...

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In me and Alex’s bedroom, an emergency summit

for a group of bears to discuss an eventual whodunnit

In attendance are teddies, the soft-type cuddly toy

Many like Angus and Sooty, I’ve had since I was a boy

Chief Bear Ted begins, ‘We are here to discuss today

what must be done to keep Rufus away

He comes into our bedroom

We’re shoved in cupboard or drawer

to keep us out of...

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see me

learn me

write me

join my letters up.

headline

sideline ­

suffix

crucify the fix.

adverb

advent

address

advert of a dress.

letter

second

stamp

authoritative clunk!

article

artichoke

artist

antichrist in the antichoke.

icky-sticky

print me

in icky-sicky absolute.

catchphrase

paraphras...

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https://youtu.be/oyEOIXnPfYk

Why did you cut my toenails jagged

on the day I came out, Mum?

That night I lay awake thinking

‘Does Mum not love me anymore?’

Did you have a conversation with the scissors 

on that day I came out, Mum?

Blade stabbed my toe

Gushed with blood

You didn’t put on a bandage

Didn’t kiss it better

You can’t hoover up memo...

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https://youtu.be/lK6x_RTy5lQ

I, indignantes pollice

I am a most indignant thumb

Digitus pollex (thumb)

Me, pollex, the most powerful digit

Infestus pollex (hostile thumb)

Pollice verso (turned thumb)

Not just the separated finger from a family of four on your hand

Don’t underestimate my pollex (power)

for magic and healing

in controlling access to the gods

Lik...

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