Not sure about WP's re-worked first line in his
specimen. Using the rhythm adopted it would
seem that "kids" should replace "children" which, to me, sounds slightly awkward in the context.
The author's choice of "It was chips and some
scraps for her children" uses the cadence of "some scraps" to lead comfortably to "children"...while keeping the balance of
the line itself.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

Surely what is happening her is that people are just as entitled to constructively criticise as much as others are entitled to ignore them :-). For me, I liked the images and words when they were stronger than the rhyme. i.e.

Chips and scraps fed both her children,
Though she could have nothing at all,
No coins in her purse or her pocket,
And none there to answer her call.

Notice that I have changed the first line here to try and remove the 'it was'. In other cases it can be an 'and' or a 'so' which pull up the reader and seem like fillers slotted in to maintain rhyme. I think its well worth puzzling over, to see if any of these small changes can be made as they really improve things in terms of flow and quality in what is a good poem.

Thx for posting Ian

Win

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

Lots of differing opinions Ian - it's great that your poem should have stimulated that. So much on here goes uncommented on.

I hope Ray and I didn't seem overly negative. We both don't mind others suggesting improvements on ours so tend to think others won't also. It takes a little time to work out who welcomes crit and who doesn't.

Isobel x

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

Do what you do, Ian. You do it very well.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

All of my work is categorised by rhythm and rhyme never succumbing to what I see as the mental ease of ‘free verse’

I place commas where I do to emphasise the intended insistent beating rhythm that pervades all my imaginative writing.

No apologies there then,

Regards,


Ian G.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

As a writer of verse, I give due credit for the
care and patience required to find the right
word that also fits the rhythm of the lines as
well as the sentiment (not to be confused with "sentimental") being expressed.
This is one of the reasons why rhyme can be
so challenging. And this poem has its share.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

Except for observing that a full stop or two -and maybe the occasional semi-colon might replace the comma, I sense that the traditional nod is being paid to grammar here.
Personally, I find the imaginative "picture" drawn by the use of words in this respect overrides any technical quibbles.
A touching and well judged vignette of the human condition.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

I'm not sure about the technical stuff, Ian, but I loved the care and thoughtfulness in this poem.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

Forgot to say owt about the poem. It's really hard to do rhyme and rythm so I take my hat off to all who achieve it. I find the pace in this a bit too rythmic for the subject matter though. I want to feel pathos and sorrow but I'm going at a canter and it doesn't sit together - not sure if I'm expressing myself well. For some reason, some subject matters just work better in free verse. It's not easy to do if you like rhyming though - I struggle with that problem, myself.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

But then I don't think you really need the 'and' either Ray.

I understand what you are saying about commas. Sometimes a poem with too much punctuation can seem buttoned up and there is a natural pause introduced by the line breaks anyway.

I'd go with getting rid of the commas and the capital letters at the start of all the 2nd, 3rd 4th lines.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant

I wouldn't fault the rhythm and the rhyme, but all those commas! I noticed it before in a poem of yours - almost a fetish!Many just aren't neccessary, others can be supplanted like so

I worked in the poorer quarter

and saw much but knew little more,

to produce something more flowing. Not meaning to be presumptuous, only helpful.

Comment is about Ragged Beauty (blog)

Original item by Ian Gant