I want a softened image.
Breathe on the lens for me
smear butter on the glass
let things slide gently
in and out of focus.
Don’t want a high definition kind of love
let it fade
let a misty haze
play on our bodies
as the shadows deepen
and we move softly into
our inner space.
I know we’re not perfect now
but then we never really were.
And I love you just the way you are.
You're beautiful to me -
you always will be.
Frances Macaulay Forde
Tue 5th Jan 2010 00:41
Further to my previous comment Ann, if you read my profile, I posted one on Valentines Day in 08 in the same sort of vein...
Frances Macaulay Forde
Tue 5th Jan 2010 00:32
Loved the first two stanzas of this poem Ann, but as someone said in an earlier comment and because I care about this piece, I need to offer a constructive opinion, from one writer to another with the best of intentions.
Firstly, I do feel the word should be 'breathe' to convey a continuous sofly blowing breath and not 'breath' as in a single act of expelled air.
I'm afraid the last stanza lets the poem down for me and cheapens the first two stanza which I feel, work very well. They are fresh with strong, soft imagery and a highly romantic but sexy mood. The last section turns the poem around in a negative way and although I know what you're trying to do, I feel it needs another edit.
I feel the construction of the third section needs attention: perhaps adding a repeat of the 1st line would work well, followed by a clear statement of choice then perhaps twist it with a sentiment about not needing to be perfect.
I've deconstructed your verse and added the first line... to illustrate what I mean but only as a suggestion:
Don’t want a high definition kind of love
I love you
the way you are
Beautiful to me -
you always will be.
Although we’re not perfect.
The second ending is definitely better than the first Ann. There is possibly an even better ending if you are prepared to rack your brains for ever and a day. Like Cynthia said,sometimes the ending is better when it is a completely new thought. How long you spend on it depends on what other poetry is calling. If you are anything like me, you sometimes let them go with the odd blemish, just to be done with them! x
<Deleted User> (7212)
Sun 3rd Jan 2010 20:39
Hi Ann, lots of conflicting advice here, so I might as well add my 3 penn'orth. I try not to meddle around with mine too much or else you risk losing the original flow, ie you're too close to it to see it afresh. Sometimes you can get the perfect grammar/meaning/syntax - but at the expense of the original idea/sentiment. For what it's worth the second ending for me was perfect ie
I know we’re not perfect now
But then we never really were.
And I love you just the way you are.
You’re beautiful to me -
you always will be!
... but ONLY my humble opinion - the decision must always be yours alone.
<Deleted User> (7164)
Sun 3rd Jan 2010 20:25
Hi Ann,i've read this before and after the changes.I'm not going to confuse you even more by adding to them.Maybe if you leave it alone for a little while, something will pop into your head and you'll just know it's right for the poem and more importantly... yourself.It's great to get feedback, especially when you find it helpful but always make the changes your own. I'm no expert but been there and done that and over done it too several times.Sorry for the blurb, it's obvious you love the comments and rightly so.
Janet.x
Changed the ending folks - but I don't suppose you chaps will come back and see it now, but if you do, let me know what you think. You've all been v helpful, love you lots!
<Deleted User> (6895)
Sun 3rd Jan 2010 14:26
Good afternoon Ann-beautiful poem indeed,99.9%-but with all respect the last two lines died for me.prior to that,very very deep and steamingly sensuous-Stefan
Lovely sentiments expressed : )
Take all on board and agree with all too. Two focus's (foci?) worried me too - will have a think!"I want soft images" maybe? Or "in and out of definition"? Oh no - I used definition before. Help! Not enough words in the english language! ;-)
Loved this Ann . Steves suggestions all work for me too. what about the repeat of the word 'focus' in the first part ? can there be an alternative?
We comment because we like! Win x
Yes I like the new structure Steve suggests also - it adds. I hope you won't feel got at though Ann. Just so long as people don't do it to every poem you write, it can be a really worthwhile experience. I can remember having a lot of outside input into one of mine once and it was helpful - though I ended up just adding the different versions underneath - the important thing for me in every poem being the message in it rather than the dotting of Is and crossing of Ts. The message in this one is quite beautiful.
Hi Ann
I like the idea of this poem of yours
i would consider loosing capital lettters unless used directly after a punctuation mark, and would consider three separate stanzas as opposed to one.
Don’t want a high definition kind of love
I want soft focus.
Breath on the lens for me
Smear butter on the glass
Let things slide gently
In and out of focus.
Don’t want a high definition kind of love
Let it fade.
Let a misty haze
Play on our bodies.
As the shadows deepen
And we move softly into
Our inner space.
I know we’re not perfect now
But then we never really were.
And I love you just the way you are.
You’re beautiful to me -
you always will be!
is it breath or breathe on the lens? breathe gives it much more 'feel' - as it is occurring in the mind of the reader as it is read - for me this allows a feel of connection with the world of the writer and such the potential for empathy and other such - makes it more real...
i agree with Isobel re the rhyming thing - it feels rushed - i get that the end bit is where you want to take off and thus the poem completes - however, while we all as readers sense the runway, it is the vehicle of words which predicts the quality of the 'lift-off' so to speak :-)
steve x
i like the idea you have here
<Deleted User> (7212)
Sat 2nd Jan 2010 20:35
this is a very good poem IMHO & in style & sentiment very reminiscent of "divorce" by kate bingham - worth a look on google.
Thanks for agreeing Cynthia and for not being offended Ann. I very rarely suggest changes and only when I really like a poem enough to bother. The punch line is so important cos it's the last impression the reader takes away with them - worth taking time over. I think the change you made works. Thanks for your WOLOP vote also - I totally agree with your choice and it might well have been mine, had I been able to vote. x
I totally agree with Isobel; it is now better. Punch lines are hard to formulate; they usually work best as irony, or a complete new thought. I think that recapitulation is rarely effective except in comedy. And what is 'weak' about hope expressed as conviction? Except the very essence of the idea, of course.
I changed it! It's a bit weak maybe, but more in keeping. (For anyone who cares, it DID end "but not in HD")
I agree Isobel, but couldn't resist the rhyme! It does cheapen it a bit, may change it. xx
Really like this Ann - particularly the first part. Breath on the lens - is a lovely image and all the other fuzzy images that go with it. I think the last line lets it down though - turns a very special poem into something ordinary. Just my opinion anyway.
Oh, this is so sexy! I love the butter reference then 'slide gently' on the next line.Oh and 'moving softly into our inner space' this is delicious and yummy. fabulous.
Rachel
x
If you wish to post a comment you must login.
This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.
<Deleted User> (7134)
Tue 5th Jan 2010 15:34
This is beautiful! Really bloody love it, you could really play about with this if you decide to perform it :)