To all you brave young shavers contemplating marriage vows

I offer this advice to ward off arguments and rows.

The Vicar he will tell you, ‘‘Marriage is a partnership’’

But very soon you’ll find out when the pretence starts to slip

That your experience mirrors mine which (only half in jest)

Is on every single matter –

I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

 

You may think the time is right for children or indeed may not

You may think it’s time that you moved house (or stick with what you’ve got)

You’re offered a promotion to those bigger, better jobs

But that means relocation; so then you hear the sobs;

On all these issues I’d defer because I’m Heaven blessed

With a wife who’s full of wisdom –

          I’ve found Our Gert knows best.

 

The pundits on the telly and the politicians too

Are wanting in solutions when compared with Our Gert’s view

She’s solved the housing shortage and the plastic in the seas,

The Middle East, world hunger and decline of honey bees;

Those prats on talent shows like Simon Cowell and the rest

Know bugger all about what’s what –

          Instead Our Gert knows best.

 

And so to recapitulate for all young Turks out there

About to buy a ring that makes the two of you a pair

Take heed from one of billions who has trod the self-same path

And do it in full knowledge of its certain aftermath;

The pledge to honour and obey your every behest

Will last no longer than the cake  –

          You’ll find Your Gert knows best.