It's got softer

as I've got older

when I was young


it was hard

like card

soft was avant garde


Now the thingy

is more springy

on the skin gentle

more ornamental


In fact


The old toilet paper

was like a scraper

tough on my bum

made me glum

this new stuff

is like fluff

feels like a caress

That's progress


From the bottom of my heart

and the heart of my bottom

I would like to thank Andrex

cos Izal I have not forgotten

◄ Rules

So sensual ►


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Jeff Dawson

Sat 23rd Jan 2010 22:39

Hi Dave, just catching up, really enjoyed this very tongue in cheek look at bog roll! cheers jeff

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Fri 18th Dec 2009 15:13

I wonder if somewhere in the outbacks of Kent, someone wiped their arse on your articles...

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Steve Regan

Wed 16th Dec 2009 00:19

521 Warrington Road, Spring View, Wigan, in the early 1960s. Toliet paper was for toffs and jessies.

In our outside lav at the end of our yard, a short stretch of washing line, held in place by rusty nails, held our arsewipes - squares of the Wigan Observer folded over.

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Tue 15th Dec 2009 21:56

Starlight - it sounds like we came from similar backgrounds. Did you ever have to improvise with an empty cardboard toilet roll? Not so sure about moist wipes, but I always have rolls and rolls and rolls of loo paper all over my house now - much like shoes...You know you've arrived when you can choose the shoes and you are never stuck for paper...

<Deleted User> (7164)

Tue 15th Dec 2009 21:34

Newspaper squares stuck on a nail were the in-thing when i was a child.
I prefer to use the moist tissue too now.


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Graham Sherwood

Tue 15th Dec 2009 19:13

Forget X factor, who is going to be the Christmas WOLOP. I think you're nailed on Dave. Flushed with success??

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sian howell

Tue 15th Dec 2009 18:26

what a great subject to skillfully write about...well done you. thanks by the way for your comments . Did you notice what i did with each line? I wanted to set myself a small challenge you see. Merry Christmas Sian X

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Tue 15th Dec 2009 15:53

Forced rhyme? a poem about arses, shit and toilet paper? - now that won't do...I suppose you could always swap it for the word numb...

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Steve Regan

Tue 15th Dec 2009 15:48

Dave, Ienjoyed this greatly when you read it the other night at the Bards - even though I'm scatalogically sensitive. Great rhythm to it and great use of rhyme. If I have one wee criticism it is for this line ..."made me glum", which is a bit pooterish and comes across (to me, anyway), as a bit forced... fnarrrr!

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Tue 15th Dec 2009 15:39

A poem that brings out everyone's arse wiping anecdotes can't be a bad one! Let me see, what can I dredge up? Used to use many a dot leaf in my childhood, if I was in the woods and couldn't be bothered coming home. Often had to resort to newspaper. Times were hard so we used the fact, forget palm reading, you could have learnt a lot from my backside....A wonderful poem Dave - I thoroughly approve of toilet humour, as you well know. Cleverly crafted humour.

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Anthony Emmerson

Tue 15th Dec 2009 15:25

What do Andrex toilet tissue and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus - and get rid of Klingons . . .

Nice one Dave. (Prefer those "moist wipes" personally; very comfortable and civilised.)


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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 15th Dec 2009 12:25

Super scooper, Dave. The thought has been with us all, often. In the old outhouses I knew, you prayed for newspaper; otherwise - catalogue pages that folded like razor blades. The 'funnies' were a bonanza. Oh, Boy!

Enjoyed the other comments.

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Tue 15th Dec 2009 11:13

Indeed it is!
This made me think... I have stories - LOL : )

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Cate Greenlees

Tue 15th Dec 2009 10:59

Te he he..... good one! I like the foreign thingies where you just squirt a bit of water onto your little bunty and hey presto you`re as clean as a whistle!!!! Might treat myself to one someday!
Youve beat me to the sprung rhythm, Ive rooted mine out, but its rather dark and not at all festive so I will wait till after Christmas to put it up.
Cate xx

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Greg Freeman

Tue 15th Dec 2009 10:28

Dave, you've touched upon a universal topic here that is usually hardly discussed. Yet just look at the interest it's attracted already! Things must have got better after all, just like Tony Blair said. But do you find that recycled paper is a tad rougher than Andrex? Greg

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Ann Foxglove

Tue 15th Dec 2009 09:09

I know the Romans used toilet spoons - dread to think what for! (ex-archaeology student A.F.)

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Dave Bradley

Tue 15th Dec 2009 08:28

Retirement is wonderful Steve, but I seem to be rushing round busier than ever. I can't answer Gus' question, but did visit the Bet Shean archaeological site in Israel in October. The display by the (mixed sex) 2000 year old public latrines there says that people used a leaf and twig. Hmmm.

steve mellor

Tue 15th Dec 2009 08:20

Is this what retirement has done for you?
Given you the time to contemplate that is.


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Gus Jonsson

Tue 15th Dec 2009 08:07

A quite interesting history Dave for instance what did queen Victoria use? ... or Queen Elizabeth 1St... or for that matter the ordinary work a day man and woman through the ages......

I was used to Newspaper on a string when I was a lad..TitBits was my favorite publication...

kept me in the lav for hours...

Good Read

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