(We shortly embark on a cruise for the second time)

 

She sailed the sea so serenely,

Resembling an elegant swan;

A cruise run by Saga to Greenland

With thousands of pensioners on.

There’s lotto for the old biddies

And tea dances while they’re at sea;

With nurses attending the toilets

And smells of stewed cabbage and pee.

The night’s entertainment is early -

They’ll be in their cabins by nine,

Sated with singing to Old Vera Lynn

And supping Sanatogen wine.

But panic erupts in the galley below -

The Steward says things that aren’t nice;

The Sanatogen’s going to be warm from now on -

The bar staff have run out of ice.

The pensioners start all their muttering,

A miserable “English” refrain;

The waiters ask “Is there a problem?”

But they all say “Mustn’t complain”.

But the Steward realises better,

It plays on his annual fear;

They’re captive customers this trip but

He needs them to rebook for next year.

He relays his fears to the Captain

Who says to him “Come up on deck”;

He don’t give a toss for the Steward

But prizes his own scrawny neck.

The Steward suggests to the Captain

A plan – he’d rehearsed it off pat;

“Could you just glance a chip off that iceberg?”

And that, as they say…

                              … was that.