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Dawn by the river

Sitting on a sticky carpet of damp grass by the River Itchen

while the thin sun coyly brings itself out

from hiding behind the still bare trees

and the dark wandering clouds.

 

Four clear empty beer bottles rattle beside me

as I reach for my lighter

and see shadows slowly shift in the gathering daylight.

Heartbreak is a hard one at daybreak

when you’ve decided that a night in the park

is the best night that’s left.

 

But as the dawn’s storm comes crawling

so does the knowledge

that today is still here.

And so am I,

alone in a new cold twilight

with no summer birdsong.

 

Then there's a sparkle in the day's shining grass,

where some spider’s night web

has connected two blades

and two more then two more

spinning outward eternally,

a million shining tiny filaments

are connecting them all.

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Comments

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David Taylor-Jones

Sat 25th Nov 2017 07:30

Thank you Cynthia, wise words and it's good to hear them. I'm always open to learn more about this art.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Fri 24th Nov 2017 21:48

Colin has made excellent points, and they were well received by David. I commend you both.

You have a deft touch, David, and imagination of association. IMO, I think that's the epitome of writing poetry. Also, that the last thing a serious poet does is look for the words to cast out, utterly. Or to find a better single word for two words. It's a hard lesson to learn, and even harder to exercise. But it works wonders.

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David Taylor-Jones

Fri 24th Nov 2017 13:57

Thanks Colin, that's really valuable feedback, I'm going to try those edits to see how they fit. Most of the words you picked up on were there for rhythm or alliteration rather than to add meaning, maybe I'm trying too hard to be poetic? Great stuff to ponder, thanks again for being so considered thoughtful with your comments. David

<Deleted User> (13762)

Fri 24th Nov 2017 09:50

David, this is a lovely poem with a delicate touch and sensitivity which I very much like. I've read it through several times now and wondered if removing a few words would actually increase the impact without losing any of the dreamy quality: 'the bare', 'the' (before dark), 'clear' or 'empty', 'as' (before 'I reach'), 'and' (before 'see shadows'), 'slowly', 'day' (from 'daylight'), 'cold'.

'still' and 'bare' / 'clear' and 'empty' kinda say the same thing? 'cold' has already been implied?

see shadows shift in the gathering light - shadows tend to shift slowly so why insert 'slowly'? 'gathering light' in this context implies daylight so why insert 'day' when 'day' is also used in the following line which is imo the defining line in the poem and deserves full impact: 'Heartbreak is a hard one at daybreak'

just thoughts out loud David and suggestions to ponder. We all read poetry with different voices so my voice and reading is likely to be different to others. Anyways, thought I'd put my thoughts out there with all good will and best regards. All the best,

Col.

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David Taylor-Jones

Fri 24th Nov 2017 07:48

Thanks for your generous comments Beno, I really appreciate them. I always pick themes that are full of feelings for me and then I visualise the scene almost like a panel in a comic book. David

<Deleted User> (18474)

Fri 24th Nov 2017 06:40

I totally connect with your poetry, its really what a I love to read. Its got everything for me. I enjoyed this very much. You describe things so well you can actually be there, as the author, in the poem, feeling and seeing it all. Thank you David. I'm already looking forward to the next one.

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David Taylor-Jones

Thu 23rd Nov 2017 18:21

Thank you Keith, I was trying to catch some of the profoundly otherwordly experiences that pain and loneliness can bring.

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keith jeffries

Thu 23rd Nov 2017 18:14

David, This poem is remarkable in its varied content as one witnesses the break of day which should spur hope yet brings only reality which lies within a soul of disquiet. Strangely I have spent such a night many years ago in a relationship of some difficulty. The poem although sad has a profound quality to it. Thank you. Keith

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