Just Relax


Down at Tit-Squash Central,

we're waiting for our scans.

Our tops are on and off and on

and off and on, again.

Our boobs are lubed and drawn on,               

we're told to 'just relax',

then tits are clamped securely

within the x-ray's grasp.


My boobs are horizontal now

and flatter than before.

It feels as though they might explode,

I think they've gone too far.

They shouldn't be this shape at all,

a sort of compact disc.

Never mind the atom,

I think me tits are gonna split!


Good god, release the teatery!

Unlock this vile machinery!

Surely this cannot be right?!

I want to scream, I want to fight.

Release the left! Release the right!

Unleash my tender breasticles!


Eventually the beast unclamps.

My bosom is disgruntled.

I comfort them and weigh them up,

just to check they haven't shrunk,

imploded, done a bunk on me,

then shuffle to the waiting room,

sit down with poorly battered baps

and do my best to 'just relax'

but next time


I might just punch some fucker's lights out.


🌷 (3)

◄ Hashtag Arrogance

Clocks ►


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Hannah Collins

Wed 22nd Nov 2017 21:36

''Just relax'' !
That is amazingly good.


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Laura Taylor

Tue 14th Nov 2017 13:22

Thank you Tommy.

And thank you too Harry - and for your retelling of your own experience. I was more than a bit gobsmacked to find out the stat for breast cancer - 1 in 8 women. Jesus.

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Harry O'Neill

Mon 13th Nov 2017 20:07

You think this is bad? ...I recently had a C,T scan,
Before which` I was reassuringly informed, that I would be getting about four hundred times the normal dose of X ray.
and then further reassured that the scan itself can ( rarely) cause cancer But ( and this is the best bit) that two out of three people get cancer. (I suppose eventually)...At least it
sent me into it laughing.

( just thought I`d cheer everyone up 😃)

Keep your poems coming!

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Tommy Carroll

Fri 10th Nov 2017 21:19

I've heard something first hand. A partner was told to relax as he sees (naked) patients all the time; HE sees and is not bothered, contemptible middle-class shit, it's not about HIS comfort but the womans. I had to intervene on one occasion.
But where was I? Oh yes, gallows humour Laura, you make light of what you endured but the piece contains a sting in the tail. Tommy xx

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Laura Taylor

Fri 10th Nov 2017 16:23

Glad it made you laugh Keith - we have to really eh?!

Ray - ah well, I had reason to be there, but thankfully, due to the tests, I now do not, so I can laugh now but I may have blasphemed a fair bit at the time 😉 I think we should make use of what is still freely available to us tbh.

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Fri 10th Nov 2017 16:05

Just to say that my wife refuses to have her front checked for the very reasons you so skilfully describe. She is more Katie price than twiggy in that area, but i'm sure there would be no greater suffering than in your case.

"Just relax" is surely NHS speak.

Ray ! ! !

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keith jeffries

Fri 10th Nov 2017 11:05

Laura, although I sympathise with having to endure such brutal treatment I laughed out loud at your ability to bring humour in such a vivid expression of discomfort. Thank you. Keith

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