Exquisite Vision

When we meet

               time slides

       from now

                              to then

to when  in some past life maybe

we were lovers?

                          friends?

                                        brothers?

And now 

               and now, exquisite vision

so fragile I fear to crush it with over-thinking

As I feel your fingertips 

                                    brush my heartbeat

Your breath 

                     on the naked nape of my neck

◄ Seamstress

Blood and Bone ►

Comments

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Tia Lattanzio

Wed 8th Nov 2017 16:30

Hello Lan!
I love the way you structure this poem, it physically reaches out as if in longing, and makes the reader lean in closer to the poem.
I, too, enjoy the illiteration in the last line, I love to play with repeating beginning sounds myself. Overall, great poem! Thank you for sharing!

Tia

Lan

Wed 11th Oct 2017 13:10

Hi Cynthia and Col, thanks to both of you for reading and commenting ?

Cynthia, I don't mind suggestions at all - encourages me to really think about why I wrote what I did. I'm still thinking about the 'naked' and know I feel attached to it, but not sure why - so I'll keep thinking.

Col, I'll definitely have a look at Roger McGough.

Thanks again

<Deleted User> (13762)

Wed 11th Oct 2017 10:05

excellent poem Lan which for me has echoes of Roger McGough which is all good and ticks my boxes.

I'm sure Cynthia won't mind me disagreeing with her but I rather like the 'naked' in the last line - when read slowly, the repeated n's and a's have a somewhat melodic and soporific feel as if the reader is being drawn down into that very same 'nape'. If that makes sense?

thanks for posting and with respect to both you and Cynthia.
Col.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 10th Oct 2017 11:44

Much enjoyed - concept and execution.

I'm going to risk a small suggestion. Would you even consider omitting 'naked' in the last line? I've reread it several times, and I think it might be one word too many, maybe one 'n' too much. I feel 'nape' implies 'naked' quite strongly, all by itself, and the repeated 'long a sound' gives it a braying quality, while 'nape of my neck' almost feels like a 'nuzzle', which I think you intend.

This opinion is offered with respect and sincerity, because I really like it. If you hate such comments, just say so.

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