VAMPIRES

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I’ve seen many movies that starred Vincent Price

Or Karloff or Christopher Lee

I’ve watched at the cinema or on the box

Where I’ve peeped from behind the settee.

I saw Captain Quint get clean bit in half

By a fish we just knew as Jaws

The Exorcist too made me sweat at what next

They’d find behind those bedroom doors.

The genre I fear most of all of these, though,

That haunts me at night-time in bed

Is the glazed expressions and rotting flesh

Of the faces of the Undead.

I get so uptight that I dare not go out

At night in my own neighbourhood

For fear I’ll set off with my quota – eight pints –

Returning with just six of blood.

My stomach turns sick at the thought of the bite

And suck as the artery bleeds

But nothing compare with those uniformed dears,

Those Blood Service vampires from Leeds.

It’s every three months that I keep going back

A mystery to me why I go

They’ve got me addicted, those vampires in blue

They all love just watching it flow.

“Which arm should I spike?” the sister will ask

And grins a lascivious grin

But while I am trying to make up my mind

I scream as she plunges it in.

She misses the artery (“Praise be the Lord”)

But broddles again and agin

I think this one came from the butcher’s next door

(And other jokes in the same vein).

Such vampiric torture continued that day

As donors watched on in the queue

Their faces were ashen as they saw my arm

Whose puncture holes turned black and blue.

More vampires had gathered to marvel her work

And cheer when the blood started flowing

Pint after pint was syphoned away

Until the rate started slowing.

And when at last they’d sated their lust

They settled their payment with me

A booked reappointment for later that year

A Penguin and cup of hot tea.

So keep Boris Karloff and Christopher Lee

And Dracula’s Brides’ gory deeds

For nothing compares nor less supersedes

Those Blood Service vampires from Leeds.

🌷 (2)

◄ SITTING NEXT DOOR TO BORIS

"ME TOO" ►

Comments

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John Coopey

Thu 12th Oct 2017 16:30

Penguin, I hope, Steve?

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steve pottinger

Thu 12th Oct 2017 14:19

I chuckled, winced, and ate a chocolate. 😃

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John Coopey

Wed 11th Oct 2017 16:07

Ah, THAT Airedale, Colin. Airedale near Cas is an altogether different kettle o' fish. They eat their young there.

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Colin Hill

Wed 11th Oct 2017 12:57

I believe it was at the GP surgery in Steeton John. My wife was doing her junior doctor year at Airedale Hospital whilst I was baking cakes and making sandwiches for afternoon teas in an old peoples home in Silsden. Lol imagine that! It was about the time that Tony Bland was in residence and the pro-lifers were up on the road with their placards. Different sort of vampires maybe. Been a while since I was back that way. Good for hiking.

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John Coopey

Wed 11th Oct 2017 12:41

Would that be Airedale, Cas, Colin? They have their own horrors there.

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Colin Hill

Wed 11th Oct 2017 10:13

excellent John. When I lived up in Airedale I had blood taken for a cholesterol check which left my arm black and blue. I wonder if it was the same vampire from Leeds.

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John Coopey

Tue 10th Oct 2017 20:32

Thanks, MC. I do indeed remember "P-pick up a Penguin".
The truth of the matter, however, is that this time they rejected me. I'd had a cold so they wouldn't take a donation. This meant Our Gert is only one donation behind me now.

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M.C. Newberry

Tue 10th Oct 2017 19:49

If you're a donor, you deserve the best aftercare - nothing
less than Earl Grey and TWO penguins as a "pick...pick...
pick up (a Penguin)". Remember?
The sustained imagery here is of the writer's usual high
standard.

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